My Dark Solitude

A Rose for a Thought

2012-02-15T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today I asked my workmate LJ if I could have the rose that someone she probably didn't like gave her on Valentines. I feel a strong attachment to that blooming huge rose and those white rosebuds. Even if they aren't mine, I'll make sure they live until they outgrow their beauty. I love flowers. If I had a garden, I would spend whole day planting.

Wardrobe Malfunction

2012-02-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

My portable closet has been falling on me for a week. I told it to wait until I get my next paycheck, but it really collapsed for real this morning. I sneaked in looking for used closets yesterday while working but found they were way beyond my wage capacity.

I fought myself against asking Mom for money, but I don't really have much choice. Moreover, it's Valentines and I need to do something (like shopping for another portable closet) to distract myself from feeling a little lonely seeing all those happy couples.

Someone always manages to give me flowers on Valentines, but I won't raise my hopes today. I'll probably buy junkfood later and enjoy the Leverkusen-Barcelona game on YouTube.

I meant what I said that I'm not bitter today, that I am happy despite the things that are missing in my life. But when everything reminds you of that deficiency, I guess it's normal to feel a tad bit sad. All singletons earned that right, just like couples can bury themselves into each other's neck today without fear of being judged.

Oh well, I guess happy Valentines then.

Drop a Heart

2012-02-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm wont to admit that I expected this year's Valentines to see some kind of improvement. If going on five unplanned awkward dates that end up in me trying desperately to convince myself not to read too much into it counts as an improvement, then I guess I must have done something right. Or maybe not.

My girl friends and I watched Something Borrowed yesterday, and I hated myself for clinging to that hope that I might be reading him right after all, that somehow at some point, he might have felt the same way for me. I am just so tired of waiting and hoping and pathetically expecting more from this complicated thing between us and being disappointed every time.

I hate that I feel happy when people mistake us for a couple. I hate it even more when he becomes all defensive and immediately corrects them with "We're just friends." It sucks to be "just his friend." It's fucking heartbreaking.

But I have learned to be absolutely casual around him, to act unbelievably platonic and loud when we talk because I know somehow that the silence will sound haunting, and it will create some sort of awkward distance between us.

In short, I will spend this Valentines as I always do—alone with some plausible excuse to ward off people, especially myself, from feeling sorry for me. But underneath those layers of being too fucking smart, being happy, being okay with being single, being afraid of relationships, being "just" a friend—I am vulnerable like all other girls really are. I want to be able to blush and be disgustingly sweet in public places. Because the truth is I don't really hate seeing couples being couples on Valentines. I don't hate seeing girls bringing bouquets and chocolate boxes. In fact, I revel in those sights. I love the gooey looks and the soft kisses and the gentle touching of hands.

Though it makes me want to have someone to call special even more, it also reminds me that someday, somehow, it will be my turn to have something as special as the reason why Valentines, and all other things in a philosophical perspective, exists.

Coffee Stains

2012-01-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

Thank God it’s Friday. Really, really thank God.

I need to catch up on some sleep. My body is not yet used to waking up deliciously early in the morning, and it still wants to sleep late at night. It might be a contributing factor why I’m still not yet completely well. I just consumed three rolls of tissue (none of them Kleenex, I might add), and I wake up in the middle of the night thankful that it’s still in the middle of the night and I don’t have to really wake up yet—and disappointed that I even woke up in the first place. It’s been like this since Monday. No straight sleep.

My fruit diet never includes coffee, but I’m almost always sleepy at nine in the morning—at work no less. And I can’t afford to recklessly doze off because 1) my boss has made it a habit to pass by my station every 30 minutes, 2) I have to maintain the good and “timely” work that my client says I’ve been doing, and 3) we’re just five in the office and I’m sure my workmates will notice if I unconsciously bang my head against the computer monitor.

They also gave me a mug, which I’m sure was a freebie from the tissue company. (Because it has “smooth bathroom tissue” magnanimously splattered on its front.) It looks outrageously boring, but it does a good job of keeping me alive and warm. And I like how the coffee stains look splashed against its dirty-white roundness.

I’m glad I don’t have to say “it’s just another day at work.” They give me different things to do every day, so I am kept at suspense until I open my mail. It has been a good—more than good—first week.

Now back to work, woman!

Marked Fragile

2012-01-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

There are times when I like being sick—usually when I’m at home and can sleep whenever I want as long as I want. I find however that I never get sick during these times. I get sick on my first day on the job, on the Christmas party, on Sinulog. I get sick when no one’s there to take care of me and make sure I’m drinking my medicine and getting enough sleep.

I hate nursing myself basically because I don’t want to nurse myself. I feel so weak and ugly and disgusting when I’m sick, and I don’t like being all those things.

This weekend, Aya and I had to go to the emergency room from food poisoning. We were throwing up every five minutes. I had probably vomited all the food I’d eaten during that day that when I threw up the last few times, nothing came out but violent spurts of air that seemed to drain my stomach of its contents. I tried swallowing pills, but I vomited them too. Mom called and told us we should just go to the hospital. When the lab results came out, we discovered that nothing was wrong with us. Doctor said we just probably ate something bad and asked us not to eat cold and spoiled food. Noted!

Then Sunday came and I woke up with a sore throat. I knew what that meant. I probably gargled at least a glass of salt solution; it still persisted. Come Monday and my nose is starting to congest. Tuesday and I'm weak. Now I'm with a fever, a flu, and a cough. Hopefully this doesn't progress to asthma because then I'll be coughing like it's the end of the world. I wouldn't want that. My cousins who will be studying wouldn't want that. My workmates who will be working wouldn't want that.

Curse this weak, weak body! I hate feeling so fragile!

Whistle While You Work

2012-01-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's only been two days, but I feel so comfortable at my new workplace already. I don't feel intimidated or pressured or threatened. I feel relaxed, appreciated, and secure. I guess this is the reason why I didn't last very long with Xlibris. When I was still there, I felt like I had to overcome mountains every day without really knowing why, without ever pausing to check if I'm still all right, if I can still go on. But here, I feel taken care of. My boss checks on my progress every once in a while, and not the kind that has you stiffened scared like an idiot. He monitors me like a child, looking into my work and asking if I have problems. He guides me step-by-step into the process, as if teaching me how to walk. And I'm slowly standing up. My work environment feels so wide, feels like it has so much room for me to learn and grow. This is the kind of environment where I thrive—where I know I will rise and be great.

And that was exactly what this job has given me: an opportunity. I'm the first and only person working on this projet for now, and I feel so privileged that they chose me to define the standards. I haven't been assigned to the real deal yet but so far the feedback has been good on my performance. My bosses say they expect a lot from me, and I'm in a place where I know and am willing to meet and exceed their expectations.

On my first talk with the COO, he asked for my commitment. I hesitated because I didn't know if I could live up to my word if I gave it. But I chose to believe in myself and said yes. And I'm glad I did. I feel so positive about my work that I don't mind waking up very early in the morning. I could definitely last here for two years—maybe even more. Let's cross our fingers and see!

Those Days

2012-01-19T07:05:00.001-08:00

I'm in one of those moods where I just need to rap on the keyboard and rant. I really wanted to write a post about Sinulog and truly how moving an experience it is. But my Sinulog spirit has worn out and replaced by a hollow anticipation of work. The company hasn't "exactly" hired me yet, but I did such a good job during that work simulation test that—modesty aside—it would be foolish to let me go. I'm very confident about my skill set, and if they don't want me, I'm sure I could find another job in a heartbeat. The thing though is, I'm not really sure where I'm headed right now. Everything in my life—work, boys, friends—they're all a little surreal. I used to think that I know the different versions of myself when I'm with my different set of friends. Now I find myself confused, asking myself if this who I really am, if this is what I want people to see me as. And am I really afraid of stereotypes or am I actually obsessed with them that I try to fit in every category?

I just feel so cowardly right now. The first moment of inconvenience, the first sight of a glitch, and I'm running scared. I'm running away. Always have been. And what sucks is I'm not really going anywhere. I just don't want to stay in one place that I allow myself to be sucked into the illusion that I have somewhere good to go. To feed my ego, I have lie to myself that I can survive without my friends, but they can't do much without me. But I'm wrong. Everyone in my life would be happy without me. I'm just a passing, a memory that will stay alive but will also wither away. I have to admit that I'm not that important, not that smart, not that special.

To be honest, I really don't know why I can't let myself believe that people can genuinely care about me. When they try to get close, I always think of the day when they'll go cold and leave me wondering if we ever even had something to begin with. Friendship is something that is still unbelievably strange to me. I have so many people who smile with me in pictures and laugh with me over beer, but I always find myself drying my own tears and facing my own problems. No one ever asks if I'm okay and actually want to know the answer.

Or.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just paranoid because I'm so extremely jealous of people who have best friends and boyfriends. Maybe I'm just sad because I still can't fucking convince myself to feel beautiful. And I'm trying. I have to try. Maybe my friends are all there if I just call them. And maybe it's just me, too damned proud to admit that I'm vulnerable and too cynical to believe that someone cares. And maybe it's the shallowness of it all—of love and life and everything that hangs in between. No one ever ones to dive deeper because we're afraid of drowning, of not knowing what those waters hold. Because reality isn't like the movies after all; things never turn out the way you expect them to. And you're almost always disappointed.

This post is pointless, and maybe that's why it's necessary for me to write this. I have to give myself the chance to enjoy the pointlessness of my life. I have to open myself to the people who make an effort to break my walls and see the wretchedness behind it. I am a mess; most people don't know that because all they see is a shrew who knows how to down a bottle and talk. But I am mostly an idiot. An idiot who is too proud.

The Beginning of the End

2012-01-02T04:47:00.001-08:00

I don't want to think that the world will end this year. But if it's God's will, then so be it. I'm not very confident that I'll be one of the lucky people on judgment day, but 2011 was such a special year that I don't have that kind of fear that makes you want to be violently religious all of a sudden. I doubt religion can save me later, but my faith has always done miracles for me. And I believe in goodness and love and family. I've had these things and more. I have the best family in the world. I've done things that have made myself and the people who matter to me proud. I've been on a date. I can die happily anytime.

I can't begin to describe how special and wonderful this year's Christmas and New Year have been. I've never felt closer to my family in these past few weeks than ever before. I'm so in love with every one of them—my cousins and uncles and aunts and nieces and nephews. I'm more open to my mom and my stepdad. I've had pretty funny conversations over beer with my friends. Mishy even visited. 2011 was one of the best years in my life. And for this I'll be forever grateful.

But this post is my perfunctory New Year's resolution post. So I shan't dally no longer.

1. Never lie (if you can help it).
2. Often laugh.
3. Always love.

I doubt I'll get to keep number 1. I've already broken it in fact, thus the parenthetical element. I've always been a good liar, and I've gotten even better at it. It's just always been a part of me that it's practically impossible to get away. Because lying is what makes people listen to me. I tell them what they want to hear, and they almost all the time love me for it. I'm not really proud of it, but sometimes it helps. It helps me cope. So I will try NOT to lie if I can help it. If there's really no reason to say something that isn't true, then I'll shut up.

I love laughing. It's one of the things that remind you why life is beautiful.

I'm sure I'll keep number 3 until the world ends. Oh yes, pun intended. I guess the real point to number three is not just say I love people but more importantly show them. I'm also extending this resolution to myself. I need to get over my insecurities about being pretty. I need to give myself a chance to think and feel beautiful. I want to respect myself more because in the end, that's all I'm going to have.

People change, and the things that people want change. I change ever so easily that sometimes I'm confused about who I really am and what I really want. I guess I'll try and get along with the idea of constancy and that need to have and feel something familiar every day. I don't always have to change; sometimes I just have to make do with what I am for the moment. I realize this now.

Twenty-twelve, I pray you be good to me and everybody else. Whether or not you're the beginning of the end, we will welcome you with courage and prayer as you come and pass. Here's to another fruitful year! :-)

Finally

2011-12-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Today I give up. Really give up.

It's been almost two years since I acknowledged the fact that I could love you. It has been a Christmas ago when I realized that I already did. And it's been two months when I decided to give up on you. But it has only been now that I finally accepted that you're not for me, and I'm not for you.

I've finally realized that maybe I wasn't in love with you after all. I was in love with the idea of loving you and the possibility of you loving me back. Now that idea's crumbling before my eyes, and I see you for what you truly are—a boy who is frustratingly clueless of how special he is. And I am just sick of dropping clues that you'll never pick up and reading signs that you didn't even put up. We are just friends. And it's time that I accept that, that's all we'll ever be.

Why does it always have to be me to make the first move? To send the first text? To buzz the first message? Clearly, you're not interested. And it's common sense for me to walk away. I should have walked away sooner.

Maybe in the distant future when I've realized my daydreams, you'd want me. You'd want me when I'm prettier, skinnier, more refined. Maybe you would all finally treat me like a girl, not the friend you can bully anytime you're bored. Because I wasn't born smart without a reason. I've been sharpening that hatchet, and I swear that when before I turn thirty, it will all have hit you in the crotch.

But I will tell you this truth: you made me happy. The times I spent with you are memories I would never regret having. I don't regret loving you, even if it might have been all an illusion. I don't regret meeting you, and I doubt that I ever will. You have made me special in your strange, awkward way, and thank you for that. Thank you for making me feel like you could love me, even though now I know you probably never would. Thank you for your messages that made me smile and kept me all night thinking. Thank you for the words you have laid out for my fingers to find. Thank you for inspiring me to write again. Thank you for your smile and your dimples. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for being my friend.

But these are the last words I will write for you. And these are the last words I will write about you. This I promise.

Licensed Teacher!

2011-11-17T03:14:00.000-08:00

I am now a licensed teacher! *pops confetti*

I didn't get into the top ten as I'd hoped, but I guess I just have to be satisfied that I even passed, considering how many sessions of those review classes I missed, okay, cut. My girls seem to be intensely happy about it; I don't know why I just don't feel anything. I am happy of course, but not the kind that has you jumping off your feet. I feel a normal kind of happiness, like when I score high in an exam or when I'm about to watch a good movie. I guess I really wanted to prove myself again by topping that test, but it's okay. I'm happy that my friends are happy. I'm happy because I know my parents and friends are proud. I'm happy because even though it's not that big of an accomplishment compared to other twenty-one-year-olds who are on prestigious scholarships and inventing robots, I still get to tell myself that I did something right. And at the end of the day, I guess that's what really matters. :-)

It's Mr. Darcy's Fault!

2011-11-16T03:54:00.000-08:00

A lot of people look surprised when I tell them that I have been single all my life. I don’t take this as a compliment because I don’t look like the kind of girl who would have boys eating at the palm of her hands. Some attribute it to stereotype, and recently, I have discovered that people have tagged me as the party girl. Party girls apparently juggle boys one after the other. I don’t take offense in that label, but I don’t religiously subscribe to it either. Although I may have passed out drunk one time or another or occasionally indulged in the opportunity of feeling like a rockstar offered by a cigarette stick, I have always drawn a line when it came to boys and the unhappy circumstances when they think you’re an easy A.

In retrospect, I never ran out of crushes. When it came to crushes, I really didn’t put up much of a wall and liked everyone who picked at my hormones. There was the bus conductor, my second cousin, my gay best friend, the class bully, the class weirdo, cute teachers, smart teachers, boys who can read, boys who know how to crack a joke, boys who can sing, boys who can dance, boys my friends teased me with. And yes, I’ve even had a phase when that list included girls. I eventually got past the am-I-gay crisis and can now go back to liking boys 90 percent of the time. (Who says you can’t be 10 percent lesbian?)

But to be truly in love with someone, now that’s a different story. I’ve only been in love twice, and both times had me emptying Kleenex boxes, popping zits, and repeatedly watching Pride and Prejudice. Was it me? Was it them? I honestly can’t answer that. But if I had to psychoanalyze my side of the story, I’d have to inconvenience Mr. Darcy by dropping some of the blame on his lot.

Being an idealist is bad enough, but being both an idealist and a romantic is a curse. I blame it on my surreptitious love affair with young-adult and adult fiction romances. I have outgrown them since high school, but they have left me so scarred with those “heaving bosoms” and “dazzling, out-of-this-world eyes” and “I love yous” and just the whole compendium of those disgustingly clichéd characters and dialogue. They have turned me into a romantic Frankenstein, and it’s too late to turn me back into a realistically sane human being.

Now I look at boys and can’t help but measure them against the debonair gentlemen and Byronic heroes of classic love stories. I can’t help but juxtapose them with Mr. Darcy, the single most perfect man that ever existed on paper. Why can’t they say something that Mr. Darcy would say? Why can’t they be lovingly mysterious like he was? Where is that air of masculine elegance? Where is that sarcastic wit? Where are those courtly mannerisms; those fleeting, meaningful glances? Where is that raw sexual tension cleverly hidden in a disdainful twitch of the lips? The ugly truth is that they have been long gone with the advent of technological progress. They now only exist in fragile pages, in film adaptations, and in the recesses of my brain where they have claimed residence. And when I need to cry, they always come together and materialize into that familiar overcoat and breaches. Mr. Darcy doesn’t come to me; I go to him. Though I can only imagine it, he has always been there for me. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what every girl wants ultimately—a man who will be there for her?

When you’ve fallen desperately and irrevocably in love with a fictional character, it’s hard to put yourself out there in the real world. There are no Mr. Darcys in the real world. Not one even close. There will be no poetic misunderstandings. There will seldom be, if at all, stark but intelligently rewarding verbal duels. There will be no confessions of equal heart and alacrity, no words of such soul and passion. Even in a time and place where Mr. Darcy was real, no one held a candle to him, how much more in a world where he is not? Thus, all romantics are hopeless.

Boys will hate him and say it is unfair to make them measure up to a man of such caliber and who doesn’t even exist. They would be right. The whole point to this Darcy affair, however, is not his breaches, chest hair, or ten thousand pounds. It isn’t even that courtly swagger, that sexy enigma, or those Shakespearean declarations of love. It’s the man that Darcy is—honest, passionate, and kind. It’s his sense of responsibility, his willingness to own up to his misjudgments, and his graciousness in accepting his flaws. These are what make him perfect. These are what make girls like me fall in love with him over and over again.

So why have I remained single? It’s not because I set my standards too high. It’s not because there hasn’t been anyone who showed interest. It’s not because I’m insecure—well, maybe I am, but this is not entirely the reason. It’s simply because I have outgrown the boy that I loved in Peter Pan. It’s not enough to just have fun anymore; it’s time to think about the consequences too. It’s time to grow up. And in this world of computer games, social networking sites, and mass media, you’ll find that there are not a lot of boys whom you can truly call a man. There are not very many who can hold more than just our gazes. So when the unhappy time comes when somebody slaps me with this question again, I’ll probably just shrug and say, “It’s Mr. Darcy’s fault!”

The Thing about Acne

2011-11-13T04:57:00.001-08:00

The thing about acne is that it makes you want to die.

I remember going to the dermatologist when I was in high school because my acne flared up all of a sudden. There were pictures of the stages of acne severity on a poster beside her table. I remember being consoled because mine could be categorized as mild acne. Every time I’d break out after that, I’d think of those people in the picture and thank God that my face problem isn’t as big as theirs.
Now that I practically don’t have a face anymore, I remember those pictures and I see myself in them. I am categorized as severe. Worst. It has me feeling suicidal—yes, suicidal—for the past couple of weeks. When I had myself checked up by a different doctor here in Cebu, I was positive it’d be gone in a month. Woe is me. It got even worse. And my fear has finally punched me literally in the face—I am now unarguably ugly.

My friends will tell me I don’t look that bad. I’ll probably tell them the same thing if they were in my situation. But the only thing that can’t lie tells me I’m probably in the list of the top ten ugly people you’ll ever see. The mirror tells me to kill myself. Sometimes, it sounds a much better option than to wake up every day feeling dead anyway. This vicious condition has sucked me into a black hole of misery and self-loathing. To try to pull myself out, I’ve quit my job—the job I’ve secretly learned to love.

The thing about acne is that no matter how much makeup you put on to try to cover it up, you still feel like shit. You know people are looking at you and calling you ugly in their minds. You feel more depressed when people tell you they’re sorry your face looks like the surface of Mars. You cringe inwardly when they give you the half-disgusted-half-sorry grimace. And you try to smile and explain and say, “I know” even if it kills you inside. And you wait to be alone so you can cry.

The thing about acne is you know you can’t fall in love. And I like falling in love. And who would fall in love with me looking like this anyway? They say you can’t love if you don’t love yourself first. And I’ve lost that kind of love. I’ve become empty, hollow, and useless. I look in the mirror and feel disgusted at the person looking back. Yes, I think I hate myself. A shame.

Puss in Boots

2011-11-09T02:53:00.000-08:00

I can't help but smile when I look at this snapshots.

My first cat, whom we named Kit, had the same color. I found her when I was three or four nesting below our stairs. My sister and I are asthmatic, so Mom didn't let us keep her. On on our way to Ormoc, we dropped her somewhere far. I was really sad, but then she found her way back to us. I couldn't believe it! But when my mom found out, we had to leave her again. This time, she didn't find her way back. :-(

2011-11-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

I love sunflowers. But it's just now that I realized it's my favorite flower.

I tried planting a bunch of them when I was in sixth grade. This environmental endeavor didn't prove successful though. Partly because of the soil. Partly because of the sun. Partly because of me. I was sad for a long time because I really wanted to see bright colors in that too-green piece of lot. I don't know what I did wrong. My surmise now is the climate here in the Philippines isn't conducive to a sunflower's growth.

This flower always reminds of a pair of eyes. I don't know whose yet, or I don't know whose anymore. At one time, they reminded me of a first love. But when I look into those eyes now, I don't see that brightness anymore, that glint of youth and hope. All that I see now are a desperation and a fear of being lonely. He has lost that tantalizing spark. And I feel sorry for him.

But enough of that love thing, which seems to ruin every attempt I make at writing a fairly happy post. Other than eyes, which I have loved a long time ago, sunflowers always remind of warm, happy days. You can't help but picture a clear blue sky and a sun when you look at an image of a sunflower. The image it brings to my head is so vivid that I can almost feel sunrays on my skin.

One of the items on my nonexistent bucket list is to visit a sunflower field. They say there is one in California. I particularly want to visit that one because I've heard the California sun is amazing. But since I'm stuck in a country where the only way you can get your hands on a sunflower is in a flower shop, which will then charge you ten dollars or five hundred pesos for a single flower, pictures will suffice for now.

Something funny (for a change)

2011-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happen ed to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they ac tually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith Fainted!!

Happy Birthday

2011-10-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

I turned twenty-one today.

I wanted to sleep early last night, but I ended up worrying about my manuscript till it was ten o'clock. I slept immediately though and was awoken by my first birthday greetings. Well, what do you know? Paul took the first, and Jodie was the second. I tried not be really happy about it, but I am. I am such a loser. I really don't want to focus on anyone right now. I don't even feel that it's my birthday today, for crying out loud!

But i did go to church this morning and was ogled by several men (one was in a car). Last night too when I got my brows done, the guy there (who was doing my brows) flirted with me---too obviously for my taste. I guess I should be happy about it now that people are starting to tell me I'm pretty again. My pimples have miraculously (thank God) relented and are now on the way to getting healed.

Kuya is here so I'll be having my birthday dinner on his expense hahaha. I'm looking forward to Friday too, but I can't say that it's an absolutely positive feeling. Part of me still hurts, and it's probably still too soon to see him again. But oh well. I should be over it sooon.

Now I'm at work, fact-checking and trying not to suck too much with this manuscript. It's not greatly written, but it's not bad either.

Gosh, I'd hoped to write a more happy birthday post, but I'm sounding really bored, aren't I? Oh, well. Happy Birthday to me.

Mac

2011-09-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

I’ve been dreaming of home for three straight nights now. And not just home, it’s always in the town plaza right across our grandma’s house. The first one, I was dancing in the rain with my cousin Erika. We were in our underwear. The second, we were listening to this creepy guy doing lame-ass street magic. The third, there was some kind of street party. All the townspeople—everyone we knew—gathered at the town plaza dancing, doing what seemed like exercise stretches, sitting at the fountain, just walking about. Even Brent and Bianca (our old childhood friends and neighbors who are now in the States) were there.

But the weird thing about this last dream is the presence of a boy. I don’t recognize his face, but he was handsome. His name was Mac. He was sitting by the fountain with a bunch of kids, and we were passing by talking about something (I’ve forgotten what). Whatever it was, this seemed to have touched a nerve because he suddenly butted in with a really irritated voice. I don’t know if I’d do it in real life, but I answered back as curtly, and we were soon having a verbal faceoff. This ended with me walking away (with my escapist tendency with arguments) and him following behind. Apparently, he wasn’t finished arguing. I’m desperately trying to remember what the topic was, but all I can recall is that he said, “You don’t know because you’re not a teacher.”

I remember feeling appalled at the statement, and I looked at the kids he was with (one looked like my second cousin Ken). I told him, “We’re teachers too you know!” And now I forget who I was with during that time. Probably college friends. So we ended up laughing and walking toward the street where I grow up. We stopped at the store that one of my godmothers own. He suddenly put his arm around me, and I held his hand and felt warm and alive. We then went inside my godmother’s backyard to have a drink. Then his father arrived and joined us. He later told me that he was one of my dad’s closest friends. I don’t really remember what happened next, just that Mac and I stared at each other until I woke up.

And this morning, I really feel a little more alive. Probably because of that dream, because I got a good night’s rest (fever’s gone, thank God), because my mom texted me last night. Oh well, at least there is a reason for me to smile today.

It gets worse before it gets better

2011-09-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

It gets worse before it gets better. This is what I tell myself every morning when I wake up finding two or three papules sprouting from a last one that just healed. It gets worse before it gets better. This is what I tell myself when I look into the mirror and feel absolutely repulsed by the person looking back. It gets worse before it gets better. This is what I tell myself every time I’m tempted to slip away into a daydream that I know will always be just a daydream.

It gets worse before it gets better.

Sometimes I wonder if my face is a reflection of my life. And maybe, in some weird, scientific fact connecting hormones to oil production to psychological stress, it probably is. All I know right now is that when I’m happy or disgustingly in love, my face is a ray of sunshine—all clear and pretty. Even though my skin is far from perfect, I don’t give it much thought because I’m somehow convinced by the proverbial “when you think you’re pretty, other people will too.” Usually, my life’s a breeze too when I feel beautiful. Though there are the occasional glitches and power outbreaks, I usually just sit and smile through the temporary stop and pray to God that everything will run smooth again. And when I’m lucky—which I usually am—they do.

But now. My life feels so broken, I’ve almost given up hope that anything could be done to repair it again. And maybe even then, it won’t run the same way. The question that’s been eating at me right now is—how did I get here? Why did I become so sad and so lonely?

Looking back, I guess part of it is because of the psychological damage that comes with the breakouts. I’m pretty big about looking pretty because I know I will never ever live through my life without proving to myself and others that what that stupid boy said in the movie theater wasn’t true. Yes, I may be shallow, but if you were told that you were extremely ugly and fat, wouldn’t you be? Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life wondering if that is true? Wouldn’t you try everything to make yourself feel otherwise? And yes, that is exactly why I’m losing weight. That is exactly why my life has gone to a halt now that I’m breaking out like hell.
But I guess the bigger part of why I’m suddenly empty is because of love. And isn’t that always the reason? Always?

I should probably stop ranting since I’ve experienced “unreturned feelings” one too many times. But this . . . it’s the worst heartbreak yet. And I’m just so lucky that it had to happen at the same time as my downward spiral. Talk about pretty timing.

There are so many things I’m unsure about my life right now: Should I quit my job? Should I go home and rest for a year? Why am I not studying for that board exam? Am I going to top it? Am I going to even pass? Does anyone love me? Why doesn’t he love me? Do I look disgusting to other people? Am I sick? When will these zits go away? How may pounds have I lost? How many more pounds do I have to lose? Should I go back to school? And if I do, would I still be smart?

So many fucking questions. I wish I knew the answer to just one of them. Yet there is one thing I don’t doubt, this one thing I’m absolutely sure of: I love him. I fucking love him.

I want to hold on to those feelings, those warm tingles that remind me life is still beautiful. But even they have left me cold. And those same feelings that once made me so alive and gave me beautiful dreams that got me through awful days—they’ve turned into ugly, calloused hands violently wrapped around my neck, choking me to death under the illusion of gentleness. Yes, even the love I feel for him has turned ugly. Along with everything else in my life.

In retrospect, I rise above these emotional stupors eventually. After a good book or a warm hug from someone I miss or the smell of sunshine at home, these ugly feelings eventually just come off and I just find myself happy again. So far, this is all that gets me through these days—the thought that I’ll come around someday. My birthday is coming, and I want to be back when I turn twenty-one. I want to face another year in my life with a smile, with gratitude and appreciation and happiness. I want to feel alive again.

But until that day comes, I’ll just hold on to these words and to the people that still give meaning to my life. I’ll be waiting.

Rain

2011-09-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

In my dream, I was dancing in the rain. Naked and shameless. I don’t know what that means, but something tells me it’s finally time to let go. I know I promised to wait until my birthday, but it’s getting harder every day. And there really is no point in hanging around anymore when I’m practically, absolutely sure that whatever it was that I felt existed between us was merely an illusion—one of the stories my mind desperately weaves when I’m feeling beautiful but lonely.

Now that I feel horrible—with my recent breakouts and this feelings of emptiness following me like a shadow—the story’s finally beginning to crumble, and I can see us for what we truly are: nothing. All those messages, those dates that aren’t even dates, those accidental touches, they’re now just part of the huge dagger that life thrusts into me further every waking day. They’re all just figments of happiness that are now long past. They are no longer real.

I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Sure, there are people who make me smile every day, but there is a special kind of happiness that only I myself can conjure. And I’m discovering that I can’t do that anymore. I’ve lost that magic, that innocence, that sight of something wonderful at the end of the day. I feel so lost, so empty, so away from myself. Is this what they call depression?

God knows how much I’ve been praying for something to make me alive again—music, poetry, a boy, anything. But I’m still slumped and useless, all my insecurities and self-reservations eating away with what’s left of my pride.

And maybe what I do need is the rain. A cleansing, some sort of renewal. Maybe I just need to get home desperately, to be in a place where there is sunshine and familiar faces and family. Maybe I just need to get away, for a while. To forget. To heal.

That Moment

2011-09-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

We are swimming in this crowd of strangers, of faces I’m suddenly finding myself looking at as an excuse not to look at you. You walk quietly beside me, your arms swinging dangerously close to mine; and when the occasional person who wants to get past us unintentionally shoves you toward me, some of your fingers meet the skin of my hand, leaving a trail of a slight tingle, resembling a kiss.

I get a good enough reason to look at you. You give me one of your awkward smiles—eyes twinkling, teeth bare, cheeks sinking into that dimple where I’m sure you hide some of your secrets. I give out a small laugh, a constricted sound somewhere along annoyance, embarrassment, and frustration. It’s not one of my genuine laughs; it’s a laugh that I unconsciously make when I want to say something and decide against it.

We walk, but now I can’t take my eyes off your hands. Your hands are the most beautiful hands I’ve ever seen, and I keep coming up with excuses to touch them without you suspecting that I want to. I love your long fingers, and I often dream of them entangled in mine. They must be soft and strong and safe. That’s how you make me feel. Safe. I love your clean-cut fingernails too. They tell me so much about you as a boy—how different and how strange and how appealing you are to me. I’m probably drawn to your silence, to your almost hateful indifference, to the peace that emanates from your presence. But what I love, most of all, is the protrusion of veins that snake from the middle of your arm to the point where your fingers start. I’ve always had a thing for them—not exactly a fetish, but a longing or a wish or an out-of-this word fixation. They are what caught my attention. They are what makes me see you differently from anyone else. They are what makes you a man in my heart. They are one of the many reasons why I love you.

Silence. People say it’s sometimes comforting, but it never is between you and me. Everything else—the voices of people, the whoosh of paper bags, the electric creaking of escalators, the impatient brush of shoes against marble, the indistinct buzz of the outside traffic—is drowned out, sucked by the thin thread of space between the right sleeve of your black shirt and a disobedient strand of my hair. And now all I can really hear is the sound of your jeans when they collide when you walk, the gentle, seemingly calculated steps your slipper makes on the floor, the beep that the keypad of your cell phone produces when your fingers fastidiously press on them, the occasional huff of your breath. And suddenly, it looms visibly, so unmistakable, so clear. It’s the cruel distance between us.

“They’re not coming.”

You manage to say it matter-of-factly, but there is a tinge of disappointment in your voice. Maybe not a tinge. You’re probably very disappointed that you’re stuck with me, that our other friends couldn’t be with us. You probably don’t want some friend or acquaintance to see us together because you know they’ll assume we’re on a date. A date. Will you ever take me out on a real date?

But I guess I’m not really your type. Compared to other girls, I don’t really think I hold a candle in the physical department. That’s what kind of sucks though. You’re not exactly my type either, and here I am, devouring every nicety of every moment, desperately rummaging my brain for something cool to say, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear like a crazy, unbelievably obvious, lovesick teenager. But I guess that’s why I know my feelings for you are real. I don’t care anymore if I slip into one of those helpless romantic archetypes. I don’t care anymore if I’m sounding like those girls I hate. I don’t care anymore if you’re nothing like those boys in sappy young adult fiction novels that I secretly love. If it’s you—to hell with all those. I don’t care anymore.

“Okay, so do you want to go home?”

“Do you?”

Here you go again. Letting me decide. Always letting everyone else decide. Sometimes, I hate you for that. Why can’t you just tell me you want to go if you do? Why won’t you tell me you want to stay with me a little longer if you that’s what you want? Why aren’t you trying? At all?

“Not yet. Let’s walk for a little longer.”

I know that when “a little longer” has passed, it will have passed. So I swallow whatever holds me back and boldly take your arm in mine, pretending to drag you away from the crowd. I let the touch linger for a moment and then I pull away, knowing it makes you uncomfortable. You don’t seem to mind the contact, but I know you’ve probably analyzed it. I want you to analyze it. I want you desperately to know that every second of my existence right now—with you, with the consciousness that I could just lean a little close and feel you, with the possibility of so many wonderful things hanging between us, with the world rendered unfamiliar, with this feeling threatening to free the words my pride has worked so hard to contain—is that one prayer God has finally answered. This is the dream that I know will fleet away before I get the chance to wake up. This is the moment that will too soon pass. This is where time finally stops, long enough for the words to form themselves from the silence. This is where I will love you always. And this is where I know you will break my heart.

“Let’s go home.”

2011-08-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Would you believe that I am typing this here at work? I've been tired these past few days. My manuscript's a bitch, and the deadlines are getting really tight. Wish I could go home for a few days. I miss him too. :-(

Janty—a revolution.

2011-07-14T00:52:00.000-07:00

We knew it was only a matter of time before somebody thought of having cigarettes join the electronic bandwagon with mails, cards, books, and well—pretty much everything else. Yes, the cigarette has now earned the iconic e- nomenclature! Though not a lot of people know, the electronic cigarette (or the e-cigarette or e-cig) has actually been around as early as 2004. It was invented by a Chinese pharmacist in 2003, introduced to the market the year after, and received its international patent in 2007. It is relatively still in its baby stage so you probably haven’t heard much about it or seen people ostentatiously wielding it around—but pretty soon you will!

E-cigarettes work by utilizing heat or ultrasonics to vaporize a liquid solution (known as e-liquid—yes, an e-liquid!) into an aerosol mist that can be inhaled. Think of nebulizers and humidifiers—it more or less works by the same principle. (And isn’t that ironic?) It is essentially designed to simulate that act of cigarette smoking so it looks, tastes, and even feels just like a real cigarette stick. In case you were wondering, the e-liquid isn’t a digital electronic liquid like those digital waterfalls in electronic landscape frames. It’s an actual liquid solution that contains the heart and soul of a cigarette stick—nicotine. E-cigarettes are therefore not technically smoking cessation devices. (Duh, it still contains nicotine!) It is, however, a healthy alternative to smoking. Think about it—the same physical sensation, the same flavor, the same feeling of confidence and freedom, all the fuzzy, relaxing, stimulating effects of smoking without threats of lung cancer or asthma or disturbing the old lady that sits beside you in the waiting area. Dads could smoke without worrying their kids might harness some of the harmful effects of their—let’s face it—bad habits. Already sick people who would rather stay sick that put the stick down can put the stick down and pick up the e-cigarette!

The leading brand and manufacturer of e-cigarettes today is Janty by Janty World. Janty has been in operation since 2006, first producing the Janty Yentl, followed by the Mini-fogger series. These pieces come in slick and elegant designs that fit perfectly with anyone’s daily swagger. They come in black too so you can’t help but look fly with them. They then introduced the Kissbox series, which was patterned from the KISS (keep it simple and slick) principle. The Kissbox features user-friendly ease-of-control buttons and can be powered via USB (so you can charge your Janty Kissbox with your iPod while you’re working). After the Kissbox came the Janty Stick, the first ever e-cigarette in a non-cigarette shape. It is also tagged as the most durable and best-selling e-smoking device in the market. Come 2009 and Janty launched the eGo Tank, a long-lasting battery-powered e-cigarette with a unique, ergonomic design. This was said to have wowed both consumers and critics alike. Janty’s innovations in the new but soon-to-thrive business of electronic smoking is constantly in the process of upgrade, development, and, ultimately, perfection. In 2011, they will again launch another series that will surely knock the socks off smokers—electronic or actual—and nonsmokers alike. Their electronic smoking devices are guaranteed safe; no need to worry about getting cancer, whether from electronic radiation or malevolent cellular growth, or asthma or any other diseases associated with tobacco smoking. Janty products are designed for the satisfaction, convenience, and safety of the consumers.

“Smoking is like jumping off from a high-rise building; you might enjoy the feeling of falling down, but you’re going to hit the ground sometime and die.” This was what my health teacher told the class way back in high school. Looking back now, I know she’d been right. No matter how glaringly bold the health warnings are on cigarettes, people still don’t care. One out of five people have jumped off the building. One out of five of those who jumped have hit the ground; the other four are on their way. Janty changes this picture. Janty takes care you don’t hit your head on the cold hard ground. Janty lets you fly. Some inventions make evolutions in the world of the digital and the electronic, but Janty takes the evolution and turns it into a revolution. That is what real innovation is about.

Long time no blog, blog!

2011-06-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

I guess I should begin with the proverbial "Long time no see (in this case, blog)" thing. Long time no blog!

I've learned a lot of things from work, and I now consider the Chicago Manual of Style my work bible. Apparently, some of the things they taught at school are wrong. No offense to my very amazing English teachers. For one thing, you can start a sentence with a conjunction and end it with a preposition. It sounds a little awkward, yes, but it is apparently grammatically acceptable. Chicago says so himself.

Punctuation marks are always the least concern of any writer but for us editors, it's one of the biggest deals. God, the rules about punctuation! I never knew there was such a thing as a comma splice and that periods have to be inside quotation marks. Headaches are inevitable when you read about all these rules, but it's actually fun learning them. I think that by editing, I'll become a better writer because you are paid to see the mistakes of others, obligated to correct them, and you have no choice but to learn from them. And learned a lot I did.

I don't want to mention it, but half of the manuscripts we edit suck. Not just the mediocre kind of suck, but the suck that means "you can't write for crying out loud!" or "you're wasting money trying to get this piece of shit published--why don't you just donate it to a hunger charity." That sounds cruel but it's the truth! I can't count how many manuscripts I've read that triggered me to curse out loud. But I like it when I stumble on the good ones. Needs a bit tweaking here and there but the writing is good and the plot is worth reading.

All in all, I like my job. I'm still on training so I haven't touched any official manuscripts for now. I've had pretty good scores, so I'm pretty excited about live work. On top of that, I got my first paycheck. Wasn't that much but enough to get me by and pay the rent. :-)

Coming around the things outside work, I'd rather keep my fingers silent. First because I don't like how it makes me really happy and self-conscious at the same time. I've never felt this close to a possibility that sometimes, I just let myself be taken away by the moment. And when the moment ends and I realize that it's a long-shot for him to ever see me that way, I write poems as usual and distract myself by sourgraping.

My life's a bit routine right now but I am losing weight so I'm happy about that. I'm also glad I got to write here again. So long, blog!

Hey, you!

2011-05-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey you, boy with the ungraceful angles!

I think I smell sunshine in your hair. It kind of reminds of being in a sunflower field. See, I'd like to bring a Polaroid and keep that picture with me always. I kinda love that trench in your mouth. It seems like a perfect place to put a kiss. I love the summer in your eyes, too. It's like waking up to a good morning when I look at them.

Hey you! Boy that strangely smells like long afternoons! I think that's my heart on your hands. I don't even know how it got there. That awkward smile of yours must have stolen it. Since you already have it now, I particularly don't want it back. I've been eating a lot of strawberries and apples to take care that not too much cholesterol crowds around it so I think you should take care of it, too. Take it out for a walk, sometimes. My heart likes fresh air and long walks. A little bit of conversation would also be nice.

Hey! Hey, boy! Yes, you! Uhm. You see. I was wondering. Do you...uhm. Nevermind! I got some pride left to eat apparently. Oh well, you can always give it back to me if you don't want it. Well, do you want it? Do you? Gosh, you are so annoying!!!

But I do love the sound of your laughter. It has a beautiful ring to it. I'd love to write it down one day, together with all the secrets behind that strange twinkle in your eyes. But for now, I'll just stay here behind you, calling you out.

Hey, boy! Yes. You.

2011-05-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Before I start to rant about these weird dreams I've been having lately, I want to write about the crazy unforgettable weekend last Friday and Saturday. That was May 6 and 7.

Friday.

Ezra was in town to enroll for classes in June and he was leaving the next day so he wanted to go out and indulge his hormones. I wanted to see him of course so I texted everyone who was potentially fun to be with and who would actually come. In the end it was just me, chipoy, Victor, Keith, and Ezra. But man, what I thought was going to be just a run-of-the-mill night of beer and head bobbing turned out to be one of the most remarkable night-outs EVER EVER!

I don't know if there was an event or something at Nuvo but there was a photographer and he took photos of everyone which were uploaded to the official account of the club. Here's one of our best takes:

I think we all look fly. Don't we? Don't we?

Anyway, we had sooo much fun dancing! I got my happy ballroom dance that I've always dreamed of having where you just turn and sway and laugh in between. I was thankful it was with Ezra because I did love him at one point and even though now I can't say I still do, I still consider him as one of my best friends. You know what, I thought that was one of the happiest moments of my life.

So we went home at around 4am. I was afraid of going home by myself especially that my new neighborhood is notorious for its not-so-law-abiding citizens (read: snatchers and potential rapists), so I ended up going home with the boys. And I ended up sleeping with Ezra on one bed, with Keith on the floor and one of my sister's classmates (yes, one of my sister's classmates, DEAR GOD!) on the opposite bed. The scene was rather funny but because I'm a person who dives into the thoughts behind every little thing, it was a moment of awakening for me, too. There I was sleeping beside the boy I've loved for eight, EIGHT!, straight years, and he once or twice (I don't know if he was awake) put his arms around me and turned to me for a while, and I feel nothing. NOTHING. No sparks. No fireworks. None of that explosive tingly knots at the pit of my stomach that make me want to throw up and smile at the same time. Then I realized. I don't love him anymore. I feel a little at loss but I also feel relieved. Like I was freed or something.

Anyway, so Saturday morning came. It was raining in the morning. My bladder was threatening to explode so I mustered some confidence to stand up, greet my sister's classmate who was already up, said my goodbyes to my three boys and went home. I slept for another two hours and suddenly my cellphone made noise.

It was from Paul. It was 2pm already so I figured he was bored and probably wanted to go out. I was right. He wanted to go buy some new pants but the only problem was there was no one else who was available to go with him. No one except me. He made it clear he was uncomfortable with the thought of us being alone together because I think he took pains in looking for someone else to be our third party. His search was in vain. I was totally okay with just the two of us. In fact, I was dancing inside. :-))

We rendezvoused at SM. I found him at the Men's Department looking for pants. I remembering swallowing hard, trying not to blush, trying desperately not to think that "this isn't a date, this isn't a date". Oh but it sure seemed like it! We were like a real couple! I can't help but smile at this thought.

He tried his choices and he asked for my opinion every time. I looked around and real couples are doing the exact same thing. I know I'm being a schoolgirl here but damn it all, I was genuinely happy. He finally found, with my help of course, the pants he wanted so he paid for it and we found ourselves wandering around the mall aimlessly for a while. I wanted him to take my hand so badly. I'm such a dork! When it comes to things like this, I just can't seem to wise up and grow up. I end up heart-eyed with high-school hopeless romantic fantasies.

I didn't know what he was thinking and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he nervous as I was? Was he comfortable in my company? Was he having fun?

We talked about random things, laughed sometimes, and after I convinced him to watch a movie, we ended up watching a movie. We watched Tumbok which was a horror film that started out pretty good but ended really bad. Lol. But I had fun watching the movie just because I was with him. After that, I wanted for him to offer dinner but he didn't. And I understood. He isn't the kind of guy who is fond of eating out and paying more when he could just eat somewhere else and pay less. My complete opposite: a certified spend-thrift. I was a little disappointed to be going home because I enjoyed myself so much! I still wonder if I'd still have fun if I were with someone else.

I went home that night thinking of nothing else but that afternoon. I replayed all of it in my mind every five minutes. I was tired though because I didn't get that much sleep so I dozed off at around 8 and woke up inconveniently at 11:40. I didn't want to get scared but I was alone and I can't push those horrifying scenes from the movie out my head. So I turned to the only person who could relate, him.

We ended up texting until both of us fell asleep. He told me to pray and that was the done deal for me. I like this boy. SOOO MUCH!!!

But it's hard to like someone like him though. You can't read his thoughts and you just don't know how he feels!!! It's soo frustrating! He gives me reasons to think he might like me and also reasons to think I'm just a friend. But isn't this always my dilemma? ALWAYS?

All of those aside, I was so happy that day. I didn't care anymore if he was indifferent and awkward, I like him. And I could only hope and pray and dream, like I always do, that he might like me back.

My New Years Resolution

2011-04-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

I know it's not New Year but I've never felt like wanting to change this much.

Perhaps it's from watching Kimi ni Todoke for one week straight and playing it over and over again in my mind and in my laptop just because I'm bored and because their love story is, I now realize, the love story I have been dreaming all my life.

And I kind of want to be more like Sawako even though I know there are not a lot of men like Kazehaya. Just seeing myself in Kurumi makes me want to change as much as she does, too. So I will change, for the better.

I will be honest. I've never really been completely honest with anyone. Whenever I deal with people, I always put up a face to make me more look more cool or feel more human or seem like a person with little psychological deficiencies.

But the truth is, I am a big GIANT nerd. I try to be cool but I guess being a nerd is cool, too. I make it seem that I'm very nice but I'm a bitch. First of all, one of the things I envy about Sawako is that she can spend 2 hours with a person without talking and not feel awkward at all. Shy and embarrassed, yes, considering the person she's with is the boy she likes but there's never or little awkward moment between them both. When I'm with a boy that I like, I feel like I have to keep talking, even to the point of bringing up ridiculous topics, just to feel comfortable. Sometimes, the periods of silence are okay but they leave me too much room to think. When I think, I tend to be conscious of myself. What I tend to think of myself when I'm self-aware isn't really great so I end up feeling bad and inferior. I make some excuse, stand up, and walk away. Yes, I'm awkward.

I also lie a lot to keep other people's expectations of me stable and because I can't seem to help it, especially when I know the lie is going to make a good conversation topic. I love the feeling of telling a story, even though sometimes they're not really mine to tell or sometimes they are partly or mostly fabricated. I tell lies to think people I'm strange. When you're strange, people pay attention to you. I love attention, I feed off from people's attention. And this is exactly what makes me like Kurumi. I know how to shed enough spotlight on my ego for it to keep its weight and how to turn it away from me and shut up long enough for people to like me. I don't know if it makes me dishonest. I don't know if being over-calculating and having an annoying tendency to analyze the tinniest bits of details of other people's actions and words make me dishonest but I think I've built my ability to mingle with others that way. Anyway, it's too late to change that side of me.

So, in light of all my dishonesty and social fronting, I will stop telling lies for a change. Like, NOT LIE AT ALL. There are a lot of things I could do to keep myself from lying and I've got a looot of time to try all of them. And maybe once I've learned to be more true to others and especially to myself, I can feel more human and less of a phony.

I'll also try to work on my mental deficiencies. I'm not totally nuts but I know I have a slight trace of insanity in me. I could be a bipolar for all I know! I do know I have inferiority-superiority complex. And I could be a sex addict once I've actually tried it. And I have serious anger management issues. The kind that leads to self-injury and God forbid, to a criminal train of thought. This is what scares me the most. I know I can hurt someone if I'm really angry. I'm pretty violent when I'm extremely pissed and I wouldn't want anybody to ever see that side of me. So, what I'm going to do is work on my self-confidence (to give me less reasons to be angry at the world) and stop swearing.

Profanity, though it somehow makes us feel better, kind of fuels our anger and frustration. That's not good so I will practice to cuss less. Won't be easy but I'll try.

I'm going back to Cebu this morning and I have three weeks ('till Boracay) to change and I'm sure I'm going to do my best to make Sawako and Kazehaya proud if they were real. So here it is. My very late New Year's Resolution post.

That honest kind of LOVE

2011-04-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

I just finished the first season and the Live-Action movie of Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching you).

The story is a little pedestrian but the plot is amazing. You have a girl who is introverted but wants to learn how to socialize and a boy who is the completely cheerful and friendly. We've heard it all before but the way things play out in the story is beautiful and moving.

This is clearly a case where "opposites attract" because Kazehaya is drawn to Sawako's quiet almost-eerie personality as much as Sawako is attracted to Kazehaya's cheerful disposition. They meet at the start of high school where Kazahaya gets lost and Sawako points him the way. Kazehaya sees her smile and immediately takes a liking to her. What keeps him interested though is that he never sees her smile at school and so he does little things to help her step out of her shell and smile more.

Add that everybody thinks she is Sadako (from the Ring) and you get comic relief and a unique twist that sets this love story apart from others. I have to say, though, that I don't see any resemblance between Sawako and Sadako except for their long black hair with bangs.

What I really loved about this series, though, is the the honest kind of love that it (and almost every other manga and anime) portrays. Both the characters are honest despite their individual deficiencies (Kazehaya is short-tempered and tight-lipped,; Sawako is shy and dense). This honesty is what nurtures their strong feelings into love.

And just because I miss being a Lit major and I can't help it, I've come up with an archetypal analysis of each of their characters.

Sawako

She falls into the Japanese manga archetype called the "Simple Character". A lot of Japanese anime and manga heroines also belong to this category. Like for example:

Miki Koishikawa of Marmalade Boy

Kyoko Mogami from Skip Beat!

Hibino Tsubaki from Kyou Koi wo Hajimemasu

A "Simple Character" is always honest, humble, unassuming, selfless, and sometimes a little dense. Most of them are quiet characters like Sawako and Kyoko. As the story progresses, they slowly ease out from that shyness (mostly by the help of their love interests) and emerge as strong, principled, and independent people. Their characters are sometimes unrealistically too honest which may be considered as some sort of weakness but it makes them more empowering and more, let's admit it, loveable. They also share a very distinct and sometimes annoying trait that drag the series into episodes of comic mishaps and romance: humility. Simple Characters are so humble in fact that they tend to be dense and oblivious to the sometimes flagrant and sometimes subtle displays of affection by their love interests.

Sawako for example attributes Kazehaya's attempts at showing his love for her to his kind personality which she thinks he also shows to everybody else. Miki from Maramalade Boy thinks Yuu is just teasing her. Hibino has the same train of thought and Kyoko thinks Ren is just being "her sempai". Ugh! It pains me to wonder why these girls don't get it! But I guess that's the beauty of being a simple character. You don't over analyze other people's actions so you don't get the wrong idea. Then when the unexpected thing happens (like the long-awaited confession), the happiness that comes with the surprise is more real and more absolute.

I wish I could me more like a simple character. I wish I could be as honest and pure and innocent. But I am not always honest and I am afflicted with the disease of analyzing every little thing people say and do to me. I am sometimes manipulative and can be a real bitch. In fact, if I were to compare myself with a character from Kimi ni Todoke, I'd say I am more like her:

Yes, I'm actually more like Kurumi than any other character in the series. Sometimes I identify with Yano but I see myself most in Kurumi. Though I am not the kind of girl who would go to the extent of spreading lies and defaming my rival (in fact I am very sport when it comes to love), I am capable of putting up a face in order to get the attention of someone I like. I will do my best to get that person to like me. I'll eat food I won't normally eat and I could watch football and even talk about thermodynamics. If I have to lie, then I will. After all, they say all is fair in love and war. I am also very selfish and tend to be jealous. And I fight my battles in subtlety. But what differs me from Kurumi is that at the instant where I am absolutely sure that I have no chance with person I like, I'll give him up immediately. Won't be easy but I'm capable of moving on and being okay.

Kazehaya, on the other hand, is "The Boy Next Door".

Boys-next-door are cheerful, popular, and yes, GORGEOUS! What I've noticed with heroes that fall into this archetype is that they always fall in love with the out-of-the-average girl. But usually, the girls they want to be with are the ones who are always honest, kind, and hardworking. How many handsome boys have we heard saying they love this girl because "she works hard" or "she never gives up"?

Ultimately, the boy next door is almost perfect but he has a depth that makes him special and different from "all the other guys". The boy-next-door also has hamartia like an unknown past or a short temper or a dysfunctional family. But whatever flaws he has, he always manages to put up a smile without being fake and has everybody, including and especially hopeless romantic writers like me, down at their feet.

Right now, I can't think of any other male anime character that have more-or-less the same character as Kazehaya. Anyhow, I'm just happy I met him and Sawako and all the other characters. I actually found the story quite boring at first but it got really juicy in the end!

By and large, Kimi ni Todoke is one of the most memorable animes I've seen! Kampai!!!

Holy Exercise

2011-04-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

I just got home from doing the 14 Stations of the Cross. According to the Priest, it was a Holy Exercise. I agree.

In my previous post, I wrote about losing faith in religion. I stand by my words. I will say, however, that there are still activities in being a Catholic that I will always be willing to go through. Although I can't say that I will be focused always. I will still hear masses and try to be present. I still believe in the power of the Rosary and how Mother Mary can bridge my prayers to God. I still believe in the whole gamut of Catholic doctrines.

What I have lost faith in is the way all of these are woven together in a ritual that I have now found humdrum and well, boring. Maybe it's just a phase like what they all say. Then again, maybe it isn't.

I am ashamed to write that I haven't been completely focused on Jesus' suffering this morning. I slept with Kazehaya and Sawako (from Kimi ni Todoke) in my head and I just can't seem to get them off my mind while going through the whole religious experience. There is also the matter of language. The whole exercise was in Cebuano and as much as I'd want to listen and understand, I find it kind of difficult. So I said the responses in English though it's hard to say it wholeheartedly when you're constantly trying not to be distracted by all the Cebuano incoherent mumbling of "The Lord's Prayer"

But I'm glad I went through it of course. Though I haven't been completely present and there is no excuse for my lack of motivation and commitment to the activity that was supposed to be my way of showing the Lord that I can sacrifice for him too, I just hope that the thought behind my being there, my intention of sacrfice (no matter how minute it seems compared to the one made by Jesus), well I hope it counts.

losing my religion

2011-04-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today is Maunday Thursday, the official start of the Holy Week, which doesn't feel so holy to me. My mom, stepdad, and I (my sister is sick) went to Church this afternoon to hear mass and I just realized for the last time (because I've been thinking about it) that I have lost faith in religion.

Religion is not something you equate with faith. Because I have faith. I have a lot of faith. I have never doubted, not once, that there is a Higher Power that holds everything together. I know for a fact that there is a God and that He or She is Good. Life is not random. Everything happens for a reason.

But religion. I think I am done with it.

First of all, religion is sort of a box that holds people together through fear. Fear is good. I mean we do everthing because either we fear the consequences or the absence thereof. But the kind of fear endorsed by religion is sometimes irrational. All this talk of going to Hell and facing the floodgates of God's fiery wrath. Sure, I am afraid of those things but I am also afraid of not living my life because I'm always in a bubble of fear. God made our bodies temporal and corporeal for a reason. If it is true that I can die anytime, why not make the most of my time? Why can't I enjoy myself, have a drink, party?

If my Uncle the Pastor could read this, he'd probably never talk to me again and I understand where the violently religious are coming from. There are verses in the Bible that clearly instruct us to always live our lives in utmost simplicity and to give and share and always be honest. I believe I can do and be all these things without religion.

Religion merely provides an avenue for the expression of faith but it shouldn't get the best of us. It shouldn't hold us back from the experience of wanting with the threat of Hell against our throats. After all, what matters at the end is simply our faith. Having that confidence in a Power that you know judges you and rewards you at the end of the day has to make you aware of your capacity to be good. And we all strive to be good people whether or not we go the Churches or Mosques or Temples.

What I'm saying ultimately is that I don't consider myelf just as a Catholic anymore. I feel like a hypocrite everytime I hear Mass and I hear it but I don't really listen to it and all I think about are stupid things like nose jobs, pretty dresses, and a flight to a foreign country. I want to worship God with the whole of my heart and my religion just doesn't provide me with that kind of motivation anymore. I feel more at close with God when I'm just talking to Him or when I pray than going to Church. I feel God's presence more when I feel a peaceful kind of happiness when I'm with my friends or when I smell the rain.

My religion is faith. But yes, I will continue going to Church and hearing masses because that's the only way I know to prove to God that I want to sacrifice something for Him, too. Sometimes, I can be really into it singing the songs and listening to interesting priests deliver even more interesting homilies but more often than not, I find it such a drag. I feel bored and I don't see the point of listening when I already know the "Parable of the Prodigal Son" and am pretty much acquainted with what it wants to say. Furthermore, some priests just deliver their homilies just for the sake of doing it. There is no heart in it, no passion, no effort whatsoever in trying to push these people into action.

Honestly, I find all masses nowadays more humdrum than usual. That shouldn't be the case. A Eucharistic celebration has to be a new cathartic experience everytime. I sometimes envy Protestant communities whose sermons or sessions or whatever they call their masses are much more livelier and louder than ours. I know it isn't fair to compare but you just have to. You can't help it!

Tomorrow is Good Friday and I'll try my best to make tomorrow as peaceful and as solemn as possible. The Lord Jesus Christ died after all and even though I can't stand bland and repetitive homilies anymore, I still have respect for the teachings of the Church. I still believe in the Bible and I still will subscribe to all religious ceremonies my firstborn religion has me disposed. It's just my perspective in religion that has changed. My faith hasn't and I highly doubt that it will ever.

That tension aside, have a Blessed Holy Week everyone!

2011-04-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Just admit that you miss me.

Strive for Excellence

2011-04-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Strive for excellence and success will follow

3 idiots has been in my disk for a month now and though a lot of people have told me what an amazing film it is, I waited 'till now to watch it. I guess it was my loss.

Rancho is the kind of person that I'm striving to be one day: someone that is motivated by his thirst of knowledge alone and not by external pressure, not by fear, not by a lack of any other dream, not even by money. He goes to school because he genuinely wants to learn and because he has so much passion and he wants to know how he can turn that passion into something that can benefit other people. This, I believe, is the true meaning of education.

I realize now that we shouldn't go to school with success on our minds. Success should only be the by-product of the process. What the process of education needs is just hunger and drive. The whole educational system comprising of schools, teachers, books, they are all just catalysts. For one to be truly educated, he only needs to acknowledge his ignorance and to want to fill that idiocy with wisdom.

Parents nowadays force their children to take up a certain degree because this will "buy you a nice house" or a "nice car". There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents wanting their children to have a good life. After all, isn't this what all parents want ultimately? However, it is often the case that when parents are frustrated dreamers, they want their children to put the dream back in motion, forgetting that their children might want to become a writer instead of a businessman. Then, it becomes about the house, the car, the furniture, the things that will be the envy of the neighborhood. It becomes about "success" and "wealth" but seldom or never about "happiness".

It's good to watch films about kids standing up for what they love and pursuing the dreams that are theirs. What is sad is that kids like these are very few in real life. Kids today, especially in 3rd world country like ours, can't afford to have dreams let alone chase after them. They are immediately bombarded by reality and this reality has poverty written all over it. There is no such thing as "going to school to learn". That's bullshit. Our children go to school to get a job.

We live in a dystopic society where knowledge doesn't hold a candle to practicality, where passion is futile unless it can get you somewhere, and where it doesn't matter if you've really learned something as long as you make it pass the cut-off grade. I see so many students potential and they are not given the right opportunities to explore what they can do.

3 idiots features the most brilliant ending I have ever seen. I can only hope that everybody gets to watch it and finds courage to overcome their fears, face whatever pressure is on them with honesty and pride, and tell themselves when they've realized their dreams,

All is well.

being alive

2011-04-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

I want this day to be productive. I've been sleeping in since yesterday and haven't done anything remotely significant. Yes, I'm still sick but I'm the type that never lets a runny nose and an itchy throat get in the way of things. Well, this time might be different because I actually don't have anything to do. I'm bored out of my mind and I'm too lazy to continue learning how to drive, to finish or start learning a new piece on the keyboard, and to finally close that John Grisham book that has been opened-and-closed continually these past few days.

I'm tired of sitting but the thought of walking around also tires me. Ugh. The irony of man's desires. Why hello, Aristotle. You sound vaguely familiar. I'm sure I learned you in a philosophy class or something. Weren't you the dude who said that the soul was like a chariot? Or was that your teacher Plato?

This is why I hate not being in school! I feel myself mentally disintegrating. My brain cells refuse to wake up and all I can think about is getting teeth braces and cutting my hair and losing 8 kilos in a week.

Big sigh. I can't even write. Crickets. Crickets.

This is how I feel today

2011-04-12T17:59:00.001-07:00

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.

Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

This is a song by Neon Trees titled "Animal"

That's kind of how I feel today. A bit of an animal. A bit romantic. A bit sick. A bit alive.

Sick

2011-04-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sick again.

I have a bad cold and I'm starting to cough like a shotgun. These days I don't feel like doing anything (insert Bruno Mars song). Seriously, I'm so lazy all I do is sleep and eat and watch TV in between. I haven't even finished A Time to Kill yet and I've been reading it for almost a week now. I just get tired after I finish a chapter. Ugh. It's like my brain's giving up on me. I can't even write a decent blog update for crying out loud! Is this the result of continuously using it for half my life? Has it run out? Oh, I can even feel a headache coming.

It's not helping that I still can't get over that horrible job interview. I still don't understand why my interviewer had to give me a snotty I'm-smarter-than-you attitude. I mean I know that! If she weren't smarter than me, she wouldn't be interviewing me! I know she's the boss and she didn't have to take pains slapping me hard in the face with that fact. Was she mad that I sounded so confident about the exam which turned out I "just" passed? Did she think I was being arrogant when I told her I graduated magna cum laude or that I have several experiences being an editor? And if she did, I was only only telling her my qualifications and it wasn't my intention at all to brag. Or was she intimidated because I was so qualified and she knows I could snatch her job from her from right under her nose?

I've had people telling me to keep my feet on the ground. And my feet has never left the ground since 3rd grade. I've learned since that people don't like braggarts and people who think they're all that. I don't think I've ever bragged about how smart I am because honestly, I don't think of myself high enough for that. I have insecurities and those get in the way of me ever being proud enough to tell people that I'm smarter than them and that they should treat me with more respect. Sure I know I'm better than average but I've never rubbed that fact in other people's faces.

After that, I just lost that feeling of looking forward to a new experience. It's now been replaced by a cloud of doubt that I know will take long to disintegrate. Look at me. I'm wasting away and I don't even care.

I just hope things get better in their own time.

another love rant ('cause I just have to let it out dammit)

2011-04-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

Here it comes again, this sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I find it hard breathing and there is only one thing on my mind, him.

I want to think that this is just the result of being together all the time, especially these past couple of days, and me not having anyone else to vent all my romantic frustrations on. I've been over this feeling last Christmas and I don't want it back. No matter how bright and warm it makes me feel, I don't want it back. I know it'll disappear soon and I'll be left wondering again if this is the real thing or the product of my post-menstrual hormones. I'll be left wondering too if he ever felt the same way or if he feels the same way about me as he does with the rest of our friends.

But God! He looked amazing in that motorcycle that I can't help but feel that tingling sensation all over again. I was caught off guard. He looked so strong, so in-control, and it deviates so much from what I see in him everyday that I just let it bring my guard down. And now that it has shattered, here I am writing it down because I'm finding that there is no way I can get him off my mind. I can't stop thinking about him it drives me nuts!

I just wish that this is just one of those romantic phases I get myself into when my hormones are all shaken up and I just need a guy to think about and afterwards when my hormones have calmed down, I can easilly shake off those feelings. Gah! This will hurt me bad when I see him again and he's back into his silent, indifferent, kind-of-awkward self. I like him for being those things because I've never liked silent guys and it's refreshing for me but it just makes me all confused. I have a tendency to read into things too much and doing that with him breaks my heart. Sometimes, he's the annoying kind of indifferent that I don't like, sometimes he's the gentleman who carries the grocery bag for you, sometimes I don't even notice his presence, and then there is the time when I just think he looks like a total rockstar and I just don't care about everything else. It's soo frustrating!

Then there is another theory left. I'm probably becoming desperate and I'm becoming paranoid because of that desperation. I just don't see how I'm still not close to having a relationship. I'm twenty and I really need that kind of security. I don't want to end up single like they say smart girls always do. I want to be able to love and be loved in that cliched, stupid, and romantic way.

The Retreat

2011-03-06T02:02:00.000-08:00

This blog entry can never give justice to how those two days changed the way we look at ourselves, each other, and God. It felt like a lifetime and it was a beautiful experience. It feels so good to reconnect with God and with friends you love no less. Now I feel so light and happy and I just know that whatever comes my way, I can face it head-on and with a smile.

The first thing that we did was write our common realities: things that make us scared, happy, and sad. It was nice to know that we all have common fears and common joys and that we share the same blessings and sorrows. By the afternoon, we were divided into groups and shared to our group how we perceived God and the moments in our life where we doubted and was sure that He exists. Some of the things my groupmates shared were unexpected and it just woke me up to that sad fact that we've all been together for four years counting and still we know so little of each other.

And I realized that it's not too late to make up for that. By the evening, we had confession where the priest told me to confess at least once a week. I don't think I could really follow that but I'm glad I was temporarily absolved. :-p

Almost everybody cried during confession and I didn't so I thought that this retreat isn't the same as the last two I had in high-school and elementary where we shamelessly cried our hearts out. I was wrong. By the time everybody was finished, we were summoned back to the room where a Crucifix was laid at the middle surrounded by lighted candles shaped in a heart. Our chairs were around it. Our facilitators asked us to occupy the inner and outer circles and then asked those at the inner circle to put on their blindfold.

I was at the inner circle and this was where the fireworks began. Those in the outer circle would say thanks, sorry, and I love you to the people in the inner circle.

I would not dare to attempt write about what happened because words can never express the happiness and the tears and the freedom that transpired after we said everything we wanted to say. Never mind that we shamelessly cried, we were allowed to, we needed to.

I just realized how much I love my classmates and friends, how much we've been through and how strong we've become after all this time. I know now, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that that circle, that was where I truly belong, with these people who belong to different groups but come together as one crazy, smart, and happy bunch. I can now truly say that I've made REAL FRIENDS in college and because of that, I can honestly tell people that COLLEGE IS FUN and it is where you truly grow up and become prepared to be an independent in the real world.

Graduation is but two weeks from now and truthfully, from the deepest recesses of my heart, I am ready. It would be sad to leave the University and school. God, how I've enjoyed half of my life reading and answering tests and laughing and shouting and being nervous in those four-walled classrooms that have reared me to what I am now! I'll really miss wearing uniforms and studying for exams. I'll miss the Me as a student. But I guess it's true what they say that education doesn't stop in college or in grad school, it is a lifelong process. As long as you're learning, whether about how to grow a carrot or how to write a poem or simply how to make someone happy, that's education.

And as for me and my friends, CONGRATULATIONS! WE DID IT!!!

Graduation blues?

2011-02-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

I just got my inspiration back. I really want to believe what Erma Cuizon said about the "just write" antidote to writer's block but when you can't write, you just can't. The funny thing is that I seem to have more inspiration here than I do in Cebu. Maybe because when I'm home, I get the feeling that there's nothing to worry about (though there are [i.e. write-up about Jonathan, PAGES articles]).

I'm graduating soon. Yes, I am very excited but I am equally nervous at the same time. The sooner it gets the more questions pops in my head like Am I going to be unemployed? How am I going to support myself? What do I really want to do? Finding out that I don't really have answers to these questions is scary as hell. I have options but gah I don't know!!!

Option 1: Take Masters at the University and teach.

*This is good but I want to study at a totally different environment. Though I'm not saying that the collegiate training at USC is inadequate, I believe that I'll grow even more as a scholar, more importantly as a person, when I get a chance to discover the world in a different place. I really want to go study at a University in America or Europe. I've been looking for Scholarships or scholarship grants, I've been looking up TOEFL and how to get you TORs credited. Somehow along the way though, I get lost among these schools and I revert back into a shell of doubt, forever unsure whether or not I am good enough to do these things.

Option 2: Work immediately.

I still do have that letter from Proctor and Gamble and I'm kind of sure that I'll graduate Magna Cumlaude at the very least. I think a lot of companies will want to take me as maybe their HR manager or PR or what the hell, their receptionist. I don't care as long as the pay's good enough for me to pay rent and buy food. Then there is that ESL fad among fresh graduates but I really don't want to sit all day long facing a computer and pretending I'm teaching a real student. When I do teach, I want it to be in a traditional four-walled classroom where I can personally interact with my students.

Option 3: Rest for a while.

I don't like how this sounds. This takes me back to PE13 class where Mrs. Coscos said that "when you rest, you rust". I don't want to rust. I don't want to waste time either. I don't want to burden my parents any more than I already am and should. I don't think my massive pride will let that label 'tambay' come near within ten yards of myself. Furthermore, I'm sure it will be incredibly embarrassing when people ask "Where do you work?" and all I can tell them is "Not yet" or "I'm still weighing options". I'm not the kind of person who has to take time to weigh options.

Option 4: Call Center

A desperate measure. I don't want to think that I don't want to work in call centers because people attach bad connotations with it but I do. I care about what people think. I will care when they twist their faces into disappointed looks when I tell them "I work at Qualfone or Convergys". Hell! I am a graduate of San Carlos! I am Magnacumlaude!

Okay, so these are my options so far. Lord, it makes my heart race knowing I'd have to decide which one of them I'll take soon. Soon is two weeks. Two f**king weeks! I can hear the graduation march now. I can feel it coming. God help me!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

Here comes my traditional New Years post.

2010 was a crazy year. I say that every year though so I guess that doesn't really mean anything significant. But I did have a lot of memorable experiences this year at school, at love, at life in general. It was by and large a good year.

I'm feeling very positive about 2011. I guess it's because I love the number 11 and I'm graduating this March. I don't know where time will take me, where I will find myself after 5 months,who I'm going to be with, what things I will do but I have this inkling that wherever and whatever that is, it'll be awesome.

I don't have resolutions, I don't really believe in them. But I do have goals for 2011, well, specifically before I graduate.

1. Finish thesis. I've just finished Chapter 2 so I think it will be a smooth sail from hereon in. We're having this paper presentation on February and I am genuinely hoping my study gets selected.

2. Start a hobby. I really want to take cooking lessons. Or maybe finish learning how to drive. Or finish "You Must Love Me". Or maybe I'll just start collecting something like receipts or tissue papers.

3. Graduate. Nuff said.

4. Get a job. I got this letter from Proctor and Gamble last November.I was really psyched that I already have an offering before I could even graduate. We weren't able to attend the Forum though because we received the letter late. I don't want to end up teaching in University, at least not yet. I want to study at a university in the US or Canada or Europe. I think I'd want to be a Doctor first before I teach. There is also the Call Center, although I think I am overqualified, all modesty aside.

5. Get a boyfriend. I mean, I am 20 and I really need to have that kind of security or I will literally lose my sanity by the time I'm 27. Ezra and Paul is out of my list. A part of me will always love Ezra but I've learned to respect myself enough to just divert those romantic feelings into something platonic. And I'm very good at it, if I might add. Paul is lovely and sweet but he has zero personality and I don't think I'd want a boyfriend who doesn't know how to react. So I'll just leave my lovelife to that "Come What May" part of fate.

6. Spend less. I will try really hard to realize this.

7. Live more. And by that I mean have fun whenever there is time. Not necessarily drink and be all wild and nasty, just laugh more and spend more time with friends who make me feel better. Oh and I WILL LOSE WEIGHT because in this time and age, you don't really have much of a life when you're not skiny, don't have big boobs, and can spell pneumonia. But I promise never to dumb myself just to get some boy to like me.

8. REGRET NOTHING. This is key. I am very rational (most of the time) when I make decisions and do things. Sometimes though, I just let the chips fall where they may. And I will not regret anything that I do. I will live my life responsibly and be happy with things that will not hurt other people.

Tomorrow, i will be leaving for Cebu. It breaks my heart to think I'll have to go back to school again but every bubble has to pop sometime. Mine just did. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

(LOVE) Sick

2010-12-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I always get sick approaching Christmas. It started second-year I guess when my sister came home with a flu and of course I got the flu as well. It was the fashion show so it was really of a bad timing. Not to mention how drunk I got after.

But I do remember this funny thing with Genesis. We were going home from the last meeting for the year for English 21. We were not meeting with Math (the only subject Gen and I had been classmates) so I was really hoping I'd see him before last class officially ends. Lo and behold! God still has a sense of humor. As we were going down, he was going down, as well, and he just put his arms around me and I sneezed.

"Are you sick?" He asked, mockingly patting my back. I said yes and went on to ask him if he was coming to the party. I didn't have high hopes because he wasn't the party-type guy unless of course somebody from the organizers of that party invited him to sing something.

I was right. He wasn't coming. He had to catch his ship that day. I think I was half-glad that he wasn't. I wouldn't want him to see me dressed as a horny fairy sniffing phlegm every 5 minutes. I guess that little awkward hug was enough.

The next year, I didn't get sick. Probably because all those alcohol we drank three straight days built a really strong immunity barrier from the influenza virus. Last year's Christmas was really memorable for me. I was genuinely happy.

This year, I got sick again. Asthma, fever, flu all in one. Godece claimed she infected me but I didn't see her get sick. Anyway, there were no drinking sprees this year, except the one with Ged where we 7 of us shared a one litre Boracay. Needless to say, we drank not to get wasted and crazy but to catch up with Ged who by now I'm sure knows we all think he's special.

My cousins, sister, and I hang out at SM too before we went home together. Auntie Isalee sent us money so we watched Narnia (not 3d though :() and ate at Pizza Hut Bistro because I really wanted to drink that bottomless Green Tea Twist of theirs. I had a nice time although I'm sure it would have been better if we went there earlier and I wasn't sick.

The next day, I accompanied Jodie to the airport. It made me feel a little sad. I miss my dormmates already, especially him. Gah, I think I'm going crazy from thinking of him ALL THE TIME. I guess it was because he broke my heart even before I gave it to him which is a first and which is really whack. I had never had an experience where I realized I truly liked a boy only after he hurt me. It's weird that because of it, I find myself drawn to him more and more. There were times when I felt that maybe he felt the same way, but I'm not so sure anymore. He's really not my type. Okay, sometimes I'm a sucker for quiet guys who let me take the lead but he doesn't have the personality that I find attractive. He never does things unless he's told, he doesn't have an opinion, maybe he does but he doesn't say anything, he's too much of a spend-thrift, he studies TOO HARD for my taste and he doesn't know how to be romantic. AT ALL.

We spent A DAY together in MY ROOM and NOTHING! We watched a couple of romantic movies and even watched fireworks but NOTHING! Yeah, we laughed and we commented on stuff but I just felt left behind. Like I was holding his hand but he won't let me. This is a bang-up first.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOT ME. I guess it's his smile and those dimples and that nose and his strong, strong hands. I can't help but stare at the handsome protrusion of veins that his hands have. I just want to hold them! But I guess it's also the peace that reeks out from his presence, the way he says nothing when things get serious but still makes you feel that he's there. Or maybe, it's my desperation, opening my heart to people I never thought I'd like. Whatever it is, I can't and will not deny that I've stumbled my way back to this bitch, LOVE.

And it makes the physical sickness worse! Oh well, so much for being sick this Christmas. Glad to let it all out. :-)

2010-12-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I feel a very sharp pain but I don't know where it is. I've been tossing and turning in my bed but I still haven't figured out why I feel so sick. I haven't cried over nothing for so long and I guess I sort of miss the stupidity and silliness of it all.

I just got home from the first Misa de Gallo with my dormmates. I had been quite happy last night. I've been happy this morning. But when I got to Church, smelled that incense, felt the crowdiness that I hate when somewhere feels too full to have room for me, heard that melancholic O Holy Night from that violin, I knew I was going to cry sooner or later.

I was just going out to Church and I saw all these people talking, wearing different shirts, holding each other's hand, signing sheets, grumbling with anticipation of an early morning breakfast. I saw all these trees that towered over us, seemingly enveloped by a eavenly halo brought about by the arriving of the sun. I thought it was beautiful. I thought that, that moment was a kind of awakening. I was drowning in a sea of people but it didn't take a second for me to realize that I was completely, horribly alone. I've never felt lonelier.

When I looked at the Crucifix earlier, I struggled to fight back my tears. I feel so heartbroken I could break down any minute. I need a Dad, a Mom, a best friend. I needed my family. I don't know if it's all the stress and emotional trauma taking a toll on me but I really feel sad. Really, really sad. I guess it all boils down again to that thing at this point I am 105% sure I suck at.

Pushing it doesn't make sense. I have proven a lot of times that he doesn't feel the same way about me. And it's okay. I've grown so used to rejection that I feel it's second nature to me now. It's just that being given the final straw, being shown that people think others are always better that me in the House of God, just, IT JUST DESTROYED ME. It kind of felt FINAL. And maybe it is.

I'll make sure it is.

Love and Horror

2010-11-02T08:28:00.001-07:00

I just finished watching the Live Action series of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge. They kind of jammed everything, from the "first meeting" to well Kyohei's return to his home, in a 10-episode run, which was surprisingly, ENOUGH. They kind of geared towards a more romantic direction with it though, putting more focus on Sunako and Kyohei. Ah, lots of good romantic stuff for me!

The Live Action also featured Takeru, a character absent from the manga and the anime. He is the son of Obachan and kind of serves as the tranquilizer of the group when they get into their crazy moody fits and fights. He also provides an outlet for Sunako's caring and motherly tendencies and a foil to Kyohei's unstable childish character.

The manga and anime lean towards a more mature audience but Takeru and a considerable amount of comic side-punches and dialogue make the series something recommendable to family and friends.

The live action also succeeds in getting across its point about accepting the things you hate about yourself. It shines enough light on each of the complexes of the different characters and works each of them out smoothly, although Sunako's and Kyohei's are given the most attention. I also like the fact that at the end, they made Kyohei and Sunako realize their feelings for each other, a point the manga hasn't reached yet and something the anime doesn't explicitly imply. I'm not really sure I liked the way they did it though.

A candid-camera set-up? Seriously! Maybe in a sense it was effective but I thought it was not original nor creative. I loved the ending, though I would've loved to see more sweetness from Kyohei. But I guess it would be extremely OOC if he suddenly acted marhsmallow-ey to Sunako. And besides, it's what makes their love story unique.

All in all, this series got to me enough to make me want to update my blog haha. I've not recovered from my writing blocks yet but I'll probably ease out of it soon. Now, I just can't stop thinking of Kyohei (Kame) and Sunako (Oomasa Aya). :-)

Will end this post with a wonderful quote from the ever-cute feminine Tegoshi, who plays Yukinojo:

"The fear of love is like going to the pool for the first time in summer. At first, it's really cold and will only get colder as you put your whole leg in. The only way you can really shake the cold off is to dive completely in the water"

My Country is a Sad Place

2010-08-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have always been envious of people who live in more well-off countries like the United States or Japan. Though not everybody can possibly claim to be rich there, they always seem to be: owning decent houses, driving decent cars and having decent money enough to buy grocery twice a week or plane tickets for a break in another country. Yes, I am envious because they are rich and because they can afford to stay rich.

When you go down that economic ladder of countries, you find those that are not often (if not at all) mentioned in movies or in the news, though they do grace the headlines once in a while. One such country is the one I sometimes consider a misfortune to call mine. Our government is a consistent entry in the Top Ten Most Corrupt in the World; our people who leave to work in other countries are not the doctors or the lawyers, they are the housemaids and the janitors; and the rest who stay are either dying to leave or clinging to what little is left of the dying concept of nationalism. Yes, my country is the Philippines. And my country is a sad place. A sad, sad place.

I could write about the string of governments that was the iceberg to our could-be-Titanic of a country. I could write about the series of administrations that had beautiful plans which later proved to be profligate endeavors. I could write about the succession of presidents that boasted of growth and development that we were not able to benefit from. I could write about the decades and decades of corruption, the billions of stolen money that taxpayers had worked hard for, the scandals of road projects and extravagant presidential dining expenses. I could write about all these, exhaust myself and still find no words adequate to give this whole barrage of facts justice. Our government is an inveterate failure of sorts, always promising to progress the sad present situation and ends up making it worse. I’ve no mind to defend it.

You would think that having a succession of weak inefficient governments for decades will somehow agitate our people into action. Indeed, it has. So much in fact that the lot of us packed our bags and moved out the country to look for more decent jobs. “There is no money here”, I would often hear from people who take up Nursing simply because they think this is the surest way to work abroad. Even rich people coerce their kids to study Nursing. Sure, you could bitchslap these people for being so materialistic but once you get into the details, you’ll find that there’s very little you can pinpoint on them. Karl Marx had said that material conditions determine consciousness and once again, he is right. Our people who work abroad are confined to the reality of their situation. Poverty written all over it. It is that reality, that thought of having no means of supporting your family that compels these people to allow themselves to be enslaved, or worse, maltreated by foreigners.

They are the ones who leave and then there are those who stay. Those who stay might be categorized in two: those who are dying to leave, waiting for the approval of their thrice-rejected visa and those who esteem themselves to be one of the few and very endangered species of nationalists left in the country. The former are those you find working in call centers, teaching temporarily or staying idly at home. They are the ones whose lives are uncertain, the ones who are always wondering if they will ever get something out of themselves. Then, there are the nationalistic ones. These are the people you find carrying placards and burning pictures and lighting candles and shouting on the streets. These are the people who fight for good governance, who rally for the betterment of the system, who march for justice. Students, church leaders, laborers and other sectors remain in this country to forward the change the rest of us are too scared to even begin. Amid that overpowering hegemony of music, movies, fashion and even philosophy and language, they are there to remind us that we have our own culture to like and subscribe to. They keep that dying flame of nationalism alive. If the rest of us stay as we are, passive and indifferent, then surely our country will lose its identity and we will all be what we are slowly becoming: bland and unoriginal.

I have not yet mentioned the most important sector in our country, the legs on which we stand on: the masses. There is a reason why I have not said anything about them. This is because I find myself inadequate, hypocritical even, to write about something I have no knowledge about. I cannot claim to have consciousness of what it’s like to beg on the streets, to sleep with your family on a trashy cardboard box, or to live in a cramped up hut feeling sorry for my children because I have nothing to feed them. I will not dare to write about having to sell myself on the streets, or having to steal that old lady’s necklace on the jeepney. I will not write about the ugly forms of poverty that I see, hear, and read everyday. No, that is beyond my ability to summon words. Poverty is beyond poetry or art. Nothing can make it beautiful; not a clever turn of phrase, not colors on a palette, not even that stoic smile people always attribute to themselves. Everything goes back to the government. If that part of the system is not remedied, then there can be no hope for the rest of us.
It is rather obvious that I have used only “Philippines” once and have not used “Filipino” at all. That is because I find it difficult to type the words and not feel broken-hearted at the same time. It is very hard to identify yourself with something that does not define you anymore. The word “Filipino” used to mean a person with principles, someone who is worth dying for. Now, it only means “domestic helper” or “prostitute”. The Philippines used to be a place of retreat, a green haven of unity, heroism, and love. Now, it is just a place of a worldwide hostage scandal, a country other countries are vigilant about. The Philippines is now the home of thieves, prostitutes and murderers. Yes, I am a Filipino. Occasionally, when I hear news about our country giving the world reason to think that we are stupid and foolish, I am ashamed to be called that way. Think me cynical, pessimistic or loathsome but I will not deny myself the freedom of declaring my disappointment in this country I have proudly called my home for twenty years.

Yes, my country is a sad place. But I have not let go of the hope that one day, I will take these words back and find something beautiful and happy to write about it again.

Full Moon

2010-08-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

It was a full moon last night. We watched when it rose in the sky. It was sooo beautiful!

Photos from the Carolinian Jam. The Bands were good, the music was exhilarating but I was tired so I couldn't say I enjoyed it.

Things I Gained from the Fire

2010-08-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

12 Midnight. Everybody was getting ready to sleep. I, myself, already was. That was when my roommate suddenly woke me up, almost screaming, anxiety-turning-panic in her face.

"Fire!"

I jumped from my bed immediately and rushed to the window to see for myself. Indeed, there it was. A mountain of black smoke rising from powerful fat flames. The fire was not significantly far so we immediately called the attention of our other boardmates. They all ran to the room and took a peek from our window with wide, worried eyes. We deliberated whether or not we should start packing ourselves. And the alarm decided for us.

Hurriedly, I grabbed everything I could set my eyes on. My laptop first, then my school uniform and some clothes. I even managed to snuck in my vitamins and my facial regimens. I stuffed everything in my bag in a huge lump of mess, wrapped myself in a jacket, forgetting to put on my bra and ran downstairs with everybody. We were not really in a state of severe panic, but thanks to the continuous ringing of the alarm, we were quite on our way there. I texted my mom and told her about it. She told me to do what I already had done. When we were finally outside, we saw five or more fire trucks lined up at the front of our dormitory. They were very huge so they couldn't fit in that small pathway that led to where the fire was. That had us more worried.

We watched as everybody else got up, clad in their sleeping garments and jackets, bringing several bags that must have contained what ours also did. I was feeling quite the journalist, even though I knew I'm not cut out to be one, so I took out my temperamental almost-ready-to-break-down camera and took a few shots of everybody.

Dimples (the girl crouching down covered in a blanket) and her landlady.

We were unharmed, thankfully.

The fire from our window.

We asked some of the firefighters but they couldn't tell us what caused the fire or how big it spread yet.

When we were assured that the fire was not going to reach our dormitory, we walked around and found ourselves directly in front of the boarding house that went ablaze. By then, the fire had already died down.

We were thankful we hadn't lost anything by that incident. In fact, I gained these very important realizations:

1. You can never know when terrible incidents like fires, flood and the like will happen. And when they do, you should be ready.

2. You can never get complacent. Even if the fire was a little far back from our dormitory, we couldn't brush it off and simply say "that will never reach us" . You can't be sure of anything.

3. Things are a little easier when you go through terrible things with friends. God forbid, if that fire had reached us, I'm sure I wouldn't be so bummed out losing all those shoes, clothes, etc.. than if I had lost all those mentioned things and not have someone go through the same experience. That sounds selfish but I'm sure we would find a way to laugh things off.

4. You should always be careful. Dimples, the girl whose room the fire started, woke up suddenly and found herself surrounded by flames. Survival insticnt told her to get out immediately so she wasn't able to bring anything with her except that blanket she was shivering in. Nobody knows yet what caused the fire but it was most likely caused by something that overheated.

5. Pray. It gives you a feeling that everything will turn out okay in the end.

Home

2010-08-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

One of the best things in the world is waking up in the morning and finding yourself at home.

I've grown to love the city but I can never call it 'home' the way I always do with the province. This town might be boring and nothing ever happens here but I have always loved the silence, the solitude and the peace it brings to my soul. Being here is sort of like a detoxifying process. Living in Cebu clouds everything: my judgment, my common sense and sometimes, even the goodness that I was always capable of. When I am here, I feel cleansed, refreshed, like I've been reborn into the past and I have never grown up.

In here, I am always a child.

My mother is here and everything is free. I don't worry and I don't have problems and I can watch TV the whole day. I can sleep whenever I want and wake up whenever I want. I don't have to worry about silly things like money or looking good. I can eat fish and like the sun. I can hear the homely barks of my dogs, smell food cooking downstairs, see my mom coming and going from her room. Nothing can beat that. Not drinking sprees, not late night parties, not even shopping. I'd exchange all those for early breakfasts, star-gazing and staying at home all day.

I guess I'm not ready to let go of all these yet. And maybe I don't really have to. I've always been and will always be a probinsyana. :-D

letting it out

2010-05-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have no right to tell anyone that they can't write. Everybody can.

But to have that ability to fill words with genuine feelings and deep-seated thoughts, that's an entirely different story.

No I'm not saying I'm a good writer, hell, I don't even think that! When I sit on a chair, hold a pen or stare at a blank Microsoft Word page, I know that there are still so many things I have to learn about writing, so many books I have to read, so many words I have to uncover. Words don't come to me like rushing water from a floodgate. Sometimes, they don't come to me at all! Still sometimes, when they do come, they come out half-baked, mediocre and false.

But despite my apparent lack in ability, I do know how to judge whether a paragraph is a work of art or not. I have read so many poems and stories and essays of great writers - formal or informal, long or short, meaningful or simple - I've read all these forms of all these literary genres. I can tell a real poem from what somebody thinks is a poem but what is actually just a mere gathering of difficult but meaningless words in a futile attempt at ostentation. I do not intend to sound mean or arrogant but these are the kind of people that need to be shaken badly and told that this is not something they can do.

This will sound really bad but I have to let it out.

I just can't stand it anymore! You declaring to the world that writing is what you do makes me sick with indignation. How can you say that when you can't even form a sensible paragraph properly? You claim to have an excellent command of the English language and yes you do! But that doesn't make you a good writer! You boast about using all these rhetorical devices, all these figures of speech when you don't even know what they are! You brag about reading these writers, admiring their books...but when asked what they mean, what they say about society...you make things up. You might have read them but YOU DON'T GET THEM.

You don't get anything. And I can tell you why.

Because you are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. You are so stuck up in your own little world you fail to recognize that there are other people better than you. You think you're so perfect that you can't admit that there is something in this world that you can't do. You need to wake up. You're so fucking blind.

And for the record, NO , I don't think you're smart. You're just goddamned talkative.

my first elections

2010-05-10T19:14:00.001-07:00

I already had some ideas what to expect but I should probably say that my voting was smooth and fun haha. I feel sorry for those who had to wait hours but I think it was their own fault. They could have come earlier. My mom and I went to our precincts at 7 am and by 7:30 or so, I was alreading sitting on an armed chair, ballot and marker on hand and sweating a bit. I thought I had already my candidates in mind but I ended up changing the lot of them. I voted for Gibo Teodoro because I think he has some really substantial platforms for the country and he's smart. Although his associations work against him like being the administration's candidate and being a Cojuanco, he by himself is a very able man and I think he'll make a good president. I also ended up voting for Fuentes. It was last minute because although Medina had considerably improved Isabel, a good leader never lashes out on anyone in public. I don't like how he makes his contempt for our family visible.

I had thought that Gibo would gain ground because most people I know said they would vote for him. But in the presidential race, he's placing 4th while Noynoy tops the bill. Seriously,people have to STOP judging abilities through associations. There were a lot of great fathers who had weak sons. Peter the Great of Russia for example was considered one of their greatest monarchs while his son Alexei was his absolute and complete opposite. We can never assess Noynoy to be as great as his parents unless of course if he proves himself. He is NOT assertive, he is NOT bright,evidently NOT smart and SIGNIFICANTLY INADEQUATE. But considering the person tailing close behind him, I would rather have this weak and lackluster of a leader than ERAP,proven to be a big-ass coward and liar. It seriously pains and infuriates me to know that a considerable amount of people want him back because HELLO, weren't they the ones who marched at EDSA and rallied for days for his resignation? And now that he had RUN AWAY and still have the nerve to actually want the presidency back, they let him? WHAT THE HELL FOR? So he could legalize jueting? Seriously!

The Philippines already looks dumbshit to other countries. And if ESTRADA wins, we'd look even more ridiculous. Just imagine: a country once united in a revolution to oust a president, now uniting to bring the same sonovabitch back. I don't know what these Filipinos are thinking. Maybe because Erap's platforms mostly benefit the poor and I commend him for that but what about those grounds for impeachment? Wasn't he a proven corrupt and dishonest.

Oh, Dear Lord. Only You know where this election will take us. If Noynoy wins, then we'll just have to take it as it comes and hope as hell he damn knows what he's talking about when he says he can take this country to the "right path".

This.Again.

2010-05-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have never gone home like this. Feeling like wanting to cry every passing minute.

I woke up nice today. Although, I remember having the same nightmare from the night before. I was singing and laughing and having fun being lazy. I was looking forward to going home but I wasn't so thrilled in leaving either. I found out that either way, I'd be happy.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm finding out that it doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, I'm always made to feel lonely and rejected. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know if it's me or them or life...I am just tired of everybody. I'm tired of crying because it just doesn't help me get over it. Talking to strangers didn't help much either. I'm just a trainwreck right now. And I don't know exactly how I got this way.

Maybe it started with them. I always hate it when I ask a decent question and they answer rudely or they don't answer at all. I always see that as an insult to my existence. And I've been insulted today twice, by my closest friends no less. It would have been okay if they went on joking hurtful stuff and pretending it doesn't hurt me somewhere but ignoring me on purpose is something I can never stand. It makes me feel like I'm alone. And to have friends and still feel alone is the worst feeling of all.

Sometimes, things like these make me wonder if I truly have friends at all.

Because when I cry, I can't think of anyone at all who I can run to. I feel like there's no one out there willing to listen to me.Everybody is just too selfish.

I also thought going home would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. When I got here, I didn't even talk to my parents, didn't even look at them in the eye. I just went upstairs and cried my eyes out, pretending to be sleeping.

No, I don't want to blame this on anyone. But if I don't, I feel like I'm going to kill myself out of guilt and depression. I'm fucking suicidal right now, like the world is going to be a much better place without me in it. So yeah, I'm crying because of my insensitive friends who only think about themselves. I'm crying because I wasn't able to take a bath this morning because nobody told me the water tank had to be cleaned today. I'm crying because I know I blew my presentation if Greek mythology. I'm crying because I got stuck in traffic while trying to get to my ship. I'm crying because I felt like my bladder was going to break but I can't go to pee because the woman I'm sitting beside to has a sleeping kid in her arms and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm crying because I wanted to go home so badly but there were no more commutes and I had to pretend like somebody's going to pick me up. I'm crying because my ass hurts from sitting in a crammed up jeep while holding back that pain. And I'm crying because I know I'm hungry but I couldn't eat that barbeque my mom bought for me. I'm crying because I can't forgive myself and all these circumstances.

I feel so empty. So lost. So fucking broken.

Disappointed with Myself

2010-04-26T02:31:00.000-07:00

Staring at a test paper with nothing short of an answer on your mind is, now I realize, the worst feeling of all.

And now I'm listening to Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel just to ease out some of the tension I'm feeling.

I had always prided myself of being a good student, always ready for anything. But today, for the first time in a long time, I got soo disappointed with myself. I am not the type who can take failure easily. Call me a hypocrite or whatever but I bask in the glory of always being on top. I've earned that place and to be suddenly told that I don't belong there anymore is soo frustrating. Of course, it's just one quiz but I just can't help but feel so upset about it.

I plan to make it up in the next test of course. There is nobody else to blame for this but myself. We were told to read and I did not read. Oh well.

Thank God for classic music and the healing power of blogging, I now feel better.

bad day

2010-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm having such a bad day today. Yes, I am so frustrated and angry I'm crying right now. Phone still not fixed. God knows I wanted to make a scene at cellpod. Can't connect to the internet..the only thing that distracts me from frustration. It just made it a lot worse. Subtitle on the DVD I bought won't show up...the last thing that I hoped would cheer me up.

It's official. I hate it. I really don't want to blame God but He's the only one here.

The Sleepover

2010-04-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Last night's sleepover was definitely a blast! I had soo much fun!

After the family president found out that my sister had arrived, she immediately arranged for a slumber party and a horror movie marathon! I just downloaded "Coming Soon" so we decided to watch that one.

It was soo terrifying! We had scream moments every other 5 minutes! The sound effects are awesome, the acting amazing and the plot, my god, it's a winner! The twist is pretty dumbfounding too! Ah that's why we love Thai horror flicks soo much. Because after we watch it, we always find ourselves drained. We just felt spent we couldn't move! We just sat there. But after we talked about it though, we figured that we were all hungry. Unfortunately, gradparents were already asleep and we couldn't possibly wake them up so we decided to head out to cook dinner at our house. We had soo much fun cooking! Aya cooked the scrambled eggs, Erika did the bacon, although she sort of burnt it a little, I worked on the hotdogs while Klyde and Key made pancakes!

Here are some pictures:

Oooh here we are, looking like mini-chefs that we hope to be!

Me cooking hotdog, Erila cooking bacon.

The outcome! Yumm!

SO then, after we cooked, we went back walking in the rain! When we got there, we immediately went after the food and devoured it in minutes! Too bad we didn't have rice though! But we got full anyway so that was okay! After eating, we washed and went upstairs. We stayed at Auntie Vawnette's room and watched The Tooth Fairy. It was funny but it wasn't that much entertaining. Then, we went to sleep.

We woke up at 11 am the next morning. We went down, ate brunch, and watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging!.

I had seen it before but I didn't have fun as much as I had when we watched it this morning! We went flips for Robbie! He's Aaron Johnson in real life and he is totally hot! We're the same age so hahahaha. Well anyway, I'm quite happy that my cousins enjoyed it.

All in all, this year's summer (before I go back to school) is absolutely FABULOUS!

Beautiful Night

2010-03-31T04:50:00.000-07:00

The moon was very beautiful yesterday! It was soo bright it lighted up the sky like the sun! The clouds were nice too and they formed like giant angel wings. The wind felt great and I just felt peaceful looking at them outside the window.

Too bad though I wasn't able to take a picture. I'm sure it would have looked lovely on photograph.

Today we went to Ormoc to fetch my sister. We had fun talking in the car and catching up. Apparently, we'll be having a movie marathon and a sleepover tonight and I'm pretty much looking forward to it. Tomorrow is Maundy Thursday so I'll probably try not to do anything "nasty". Haha. You get the drift.

~strawberries

to be honest..

2010-03-30T03:03:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest and say that I didn't get to read the Romanov Prophecy after all. I kind of finished late last night and I really wanted to read it but I grew sleepy. Today, too I wasn't able to pick it up. *sighs* But I did do something significant today, other than check my account on facebook and read ficcies on ff.net. I'm learning the Moonlight Sonata!

It sounds pretty easy and it is kind of easy but my fingers are hurting from all those base chords haha. But it sounds good when I play it so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm also thinking about writing this novel about my family. I already have a title: Memoirs of a Strange and Happy Family. It doesn't sound very complex and in fact it wouldn't be. I plan to write it the way I know my family. Simple, strange and full of laughter. I don't know but I think it's gonna be a real piece of literature and if I finish it, I'll want to submit it somewhere. My family is a strange bunch and we have a lot of stories to tell. I'm kind of really excited!

I'm not going to start writing it now, though. I'll have to start reading again, as I have promised. Literature books and not those feeding pop culture. For now, I'll be finishing the Romanov Prophecy hopefully and Moonlight Sonata haha.

catch up on reading

2010-03-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm suddenly feeling this urge to read a good book.

The last book that I read was Beastly, which is a teen's book so I don't think that really counts. I've been trying to finish Don Quixote but it's just sooo darn thick and I'm not even halfway yet! But I will finish it one time or another. *sigh* I don't know why I suddenly stopped reading books. It might have been because I got addicted to movies and graphic novels and things on television. But you know, when you think you've seen everything and get fed up with all these modern atrocities of time, you just want to go back to the time where you can spend all day long reading.

I remember when I was in high-school, I almost devoured all the fiction books in the library! I read almost all the Perry Mason books and I can say that even now, I'd still want to be able to read about my favorite criminal lawyer and Della Street and Detective Drake. I miss them! I also got pretty full with romance novels. Favorite: Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I read almost all her books that was in the library. I think it was the reason I started liking erotic literature in the first place. But my love for romance didn't start there. When I was in 5th grade I guess, I remember it was summer, I got religiously addicted to Tagalog pocket books. Yeah, it seems so baduy now but I had read them. And yes, I liked them. Although now, I couldn't say I still like them because their plots are so cliche and overrated and just blase. Actually, all romance novels seems to be that way to me now. I admit being a hopeless romantic but all the situational boy-meets-girl-girl-hates-boy-but-falls-in-love-in-then-end stereotypes are getting really old. Erotic novels, like the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice (I only read Release) and the Altar of Venus are too lexically graphic, for want of a better term. I just can't approach them as literature but pornography! Oh well.

From romance, I discovered I also loved thrillers. I read all Dan Brown's novels (except for Deception Point) and found it very entertaining. My favorite was his latest, The Lost Symbol. I also want to finish Steve Berry but I've only been able to read "The Amber Room" which I adored and half of The Romanov Prophecy which I promise to read right after I write this haha. I also want to read The Shakespeare Secret but I couldn't find it in any book shop anymore.

Classics. Can't say I read them as much as I would like to boast that I do. I've only read a couple: Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion (half of it: kind of didn't like Anne), The Picture of Dorian Gray (one of my favorites), The Canterbury Tales (yes, I finished it..sort of..I had not read the Prioress' Tale), Beowulf, numerous number of short stories by Edgar Allan, Hawthorne, Fitzgerald and others.. Currently working on finishing Don Quixote. It's funny as hell but it's tooooo loooooooong!

My favorite books: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. And I'm not just saying that! I think it is by far the best love story I've read since Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Rochester might not be handsome but he is mysterious and kind and sweet and desperate and funny. And Jane has no qualms in pointing out his inferiorities and then declaring that they are what she loves about him! Kyaa *fan girl giggle*

I want to buy a hardbound copy of it someday. But of course, that's gonna come later when I've paid off my debts haha.

The bottomline of this post is that I've been missing a lot when I stopped reading. And I feel like I need to catch up. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write anything good lately. So what I'm going to do is read a book and finish it!!

Summer Adventure

2010-03-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

I seriously did not expect I would have that much fun yesterday! We were really worked up about where we'd be going for a swim. We planned to go to Villaba but Isy and Maning didn't seem to happy about the money matters and all. Then, there was Bantigue. Except mom wouldn't let me go. Haha. Until finally, we agreed, although kind of begrudgingly on my part, to go to Tubod, near Isy's house. There is this cave there which leads to the sea.

Okay, before anything else, as much as I would like to be adventurous, I can't put aside the fact that I am an acrophobic. I might have eased out of that fear a bit but I'm still scared of heights. Now this cave is not like the horizontal caves that you just walk in and out of. This cave is vertical,some sort of like a giant hole in the ground, which meant that we had to climb our way down. They all looked okay with it although we all agreed it was a bit dangerous. But it was for the sake of adventure so we did it nonetheless. I was kind of happy though that they were all concerned for me. I was really touched when they all planned on how to get me down. I was a bit annoyed because I felt like they were treating me like a kid but somehow, I kind of felt loved. Haha. The climb down was rather difficult because I couldn't see where I was putting my feet on but thank God for friends. When all of us finally reached the bottom unscathed, we were dumbfounded with the cave! It was amazing! It sort of stank but it was oh so beautiful! We took pictures and then we met with the sea!

The wind was wonderful too! Seriously,we all couldn't believe we were still in Isabel. Why hadn't we thought of this before? I seriously have no frickin idea haha. The sea was really salty though so it hurt my eyes, my face and throat. We were having fun when these bunch of teenagers came to our spot and because we didn't want to share (I know), we decided to move to a more private spot ---> a giant rock. It was a significant distance away from our first spot so we had to walk by the sides to get there. The rocks hurt! They were all spkiey and sharp and I regret that I wore those ipanema slippers! So anyway, we ate and drank when we got to the place (which was still a swim's distance away from the giant rock). We were having so much fun when each of us got skin gashes from the rocks, from stepping on the rocks or some sharp thing. My, Richmond's and Ezra's shorts got ripped from the rocks too! It was all too funny! So it was nearing sunset so we had to leave but we needed to jump from the giant rock first. So we climbed up there, basked in the view and had fun making porn out of our shadows hahahaha. It was soooo funny!!! The waters were getting high so we started walking towards the cave again. The waves made it really difficult and it got our bags and some of our stuff wet but it was okay. Even that was part of the big adventure! We climbed up the cave again (this time with ease) and headed towards Isy's house to get all washed up.

This part was where I proved that we were all friends! We had shower together! All 8 of us! Hahaha. There was no malice or awkwardness or perversion. We just had fun laughing and washing. We were all cleaned up and it was time for our closure: BALOT. Somehow, I'm beginning to think that this will develop into one of our silly rituals haha. Anyway, so we went to Isabel, ate Balot and finally said goodbye.

I did a bit of Karaoke when I got home! I was soo happy! I hadn't had that much fun since my dormmates and I went to Bogo! Hahaha. I just realized how much I miss being with my high school friends. They might not know me now as much as they did when we were still in high-school but they know why I became what I've become. They made me happen and that's why I love them soo much.

So to conclude this long and very late update, THIS SUMMER WILL SURELY BE A BLAST!

Sadness

2010-02-21T04:07:00.000-08:00

I have never been this sad since a long, long time ago. I've been sad of course many, many times but this one's a real downer. It's overwhelming enough to compel me to write in this blog that I have been abandoning for months.

I am sad because of my friends. I am trying ways to extend my patience whenever they get under my skin but sometimes, they just go too far.

First friend: The people I hate the most are those who can't think of anybody else but themselves. People are allowed pride but too much of it makes them hateful. I have tried understanding but I just don't get why they can't see that there are somethings they suck at. Why can't you admit that you're not that smart, that you're not much of a writer than what you actually credit yourself to be? Why can't you accept that you're not perfect? I am tired of tolerating your arrogance just because you have gone through so many painful experiences? Nothing gives you an excuse to deliberately place yourself above people who are better than you. I love you but sometimes you just annoy me too much.

Second friend: Damn your fucking tantrum fits to hell! I understand because I know how it feels to be angry but why can't you talk it out? Why do you close up your world? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING INSECURE!! If I had your beauty and your body and your height, BELIEVE ME, I'd be happy with my life. Why can't you believe that you're good enough? That you have what it takes? Why do you let other people who you know are inferior to you overshadow you? You are a fucking coward. SOmetimes, I just want to bang your head up against a wall so you'd wake up!

Third friend: I have talked about you unhygeinic habits enough. I'm glad I'm seeing you change but can't you clean up for once?

Fourth friend: I hope you know how furious I am to not even hear a single "I'm sorry" for borrowing my stuff and returning them broken. It would have been okay if you actually apologized but no! You just gave me lame excuses how it wasn't your fault and you didn't know how it happened..I don't give a shit! Now my whole weekend is ruined because you broke the only thing that gives my life a little sembalnce of fun!

**GAAAAH!! I have finally let it out! I wanna scream so bad! *sighs*

New Year!

2009-12-31T10:33:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years! It's 2010! And well since it's that, I feel like I have to write in here haha. Last year was colored by a LOT of drama, a lot of crazy things, a lot of new people. But the highlights I guess were my roommate, my dormmates and well my old high school friends. I'd be happy to write down everything that I failed to write when it was still fresh but it'd be too long and it's almost three and I'm getting sleepy.

What I really want to say in this blog post is that 2009 taught me a really important lesson: DON'T BE TOO NICE. I mean it's nice to be nice but when you're too nice, people start getting the impression that you don't have feelings and they just go about abusing you. And I'm sensitive when it comes to that people-use-people kind of thing. I guess my troubled elementary days shaped me into someone who's always behind the more-agressive kids, who lets other people look down on her, who's always tolerant. My high school years helped me ease out of that mentality a bit but I still had trouble saying no. When I got to college, I started moving out that shell and I began speaking for myself. I learned to get angry and allow myself to let other people know that I am. That's my new year's resolution.

STOP BEING TOO NICE.

I don't know exactly where the line is drawn but when my friends or other people do anything that is potentially harmful to my pride and my feelings, I will not hesitate to defend myself and speak up. I am tired of being the one always upset and disappointed and angry. It's time people know that I also get mad and when I do, they better know how to placate me. I've learned that it's easy ignoring people and when I do ignore people, they're the ones who come to me and say sorry. I'm a sensitive person and I know how to say sorry when I make a mistake or when I've hurt somebody but I also know when it is not my fault and it is not my obligation to say sorry. When it comes to forgiving, I'm very particular.

Words hurt me more than actions do. I'd mind more if you insult me than if you punch me hard in the face. If you don't have the guts to say sorry, BELIEVE ME, I will not talk to you until you do. My pride works that way.

Anyway, I'm starting to rant again and my eyes are kind of really getting heavy. *sighs* I have two more days here. Again, happy 2010!! :-D

Mango and my feelings

2009-12-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

I have never been to Mango in two consecutive weaks. I don't like what that implies but I love the feeling that it brings. Last week, after we went to Talavera for the Jesus World in Cebu thing, we headed to Juliana's. Charmaine had come back from Australia and she wanted to hang out. I wasn't that thrilled with the idea because it was turning eleven and I was tired. When I got home, however, I found Patette and Sordy already made up. Just a little reverse pyschology and I found myself all dressed as well. It would be pointless to describe the experience on the dance floor that night. I'm not a very good dancer but it's like when you're up on that stage, the whole world is yours and you can do anything. It's also a nice feeling to have both your group of friends with you. *Sandwich dance with Ezra and Chipoy* All I can really say is that IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OUT YET!!!

***
Last night, I went there, though I had little money to spare, to re-live that feeling...well, also to be with Charmaine and my friends before she flies back to Australia. It was still a nice feeling. I got asked to dance by two strangers which I think is an improvement. I smoked a drank but didn't get plastered! I would say last night was great...if it weren't for a little touch of drama. But I'm not going to go over that because I don't make business from the private sentiments of my closest friends. Suffice I think it is to say that there will always be misunderstanding with a girl who wants to live her life the way she wants and her brother who doesn't allow her that because he loves her and wants to protect her. I don't know which side I'm on. Probably neither. Probably both. I think I love both of them too much to ever know the difference. But tonight, I think the brother takes the win. Speaking of him, we've always had a special connection. Just me and him. Tonight, I proved that it still exists. That one song...literally scooped up all the feelings from the deepest recesses of my heart. No, I'm not saying that I'm starting to have feelings for him again. I'm just starting to feel his protection. He gives that kind of feeling and I think I like it. Dancing with him feels strange. Disturbing and yet wonderful. He's so normal and yet so different. One time I feel like he will never be the kind of guy that I'd need and the next I feel like I want him so bad it stings. And it stings. This feeling. I don't know exactly how I feel. Maybe someday, he'll want to shed light on it. For now, I'm just glad that they're there.

FUCK YOU

2009-10-26T05:46:00.001-07:00

Angry piano notes screaming
Thousand knives desiring to bury
themselves under articles of skin
Crimson tears threatening to fall
Fingernails ripping eyes
Pain rushing through my blood
Hate eating me up, gnawing on
that red pulsating mass
I want to kill you
Hear the veins in your neck snap
See you lifeless
I hate you
Hairless head, broken hands
I long to see you bleed
Hear you scream in agony
Along with those ugly piano
pieces
Fuck you
and your friends
When you sleep
I hope those ugly eyes
never flutter open again
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Words can never
Fuck you

describe how much
I want to see you dead
NOW.
Why do you fucking exist?
Fuck you
and your friends. Go to hell
Here I go again

19th Birthday Post!

2009-10-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

This is one kick-ass birthday.

I stayed up late that night because I was watching Nodame Catabile (which is now one of my favorite Jdoramas) and waited until the clock hit twelve. Two greetings already: Hannah and Ytel. Then, my sister called and we talked for about a mintue. I guess it's my birthday already.

Earlier that day, I had a mani-pedi and I kind of window-shopped at Ayala although I could've bought something with the money my mom gave me. I so did not expect she'd give that big of an amount. But it was just enough as I spent my allowance money already. Lol. So I slept at around 12.30 and by 2:00, I was kidnapped.

I was at first awoken by the forceful handling of the door, the knob was dancing like crazy. I though it was Lori who had just forgotten her key. But when I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, three masked and dark figures ran inside and covered my mouth, bound my legs and hands and blindfolded. I was scared out my wits. But when I heard a familiar giggle, I couldn't help but smile. My friends are the worst kidnappers.

They tied my hands with packaging tape, blindfolded me with a loose hanky and tied the cloth over my mouth so loose that I could remove it by just moving my mouth. I also had to voluntarily stand up from the bed because I don't want them to carry me to where they planned to bring me. So they ended up pushing me, and led me to this room with a chair. My first guess was Patette's room because they led me that way and the smell was familiar. When they closed the door, I removed my blindfold (which was quite easy) and found myself shut in the fire escape. I tried my best not to shout so I wouldn't wake the rest of the boarding house, but I was begging them to let me out. I also keep putting back that cloth over my mouth as it kept falling down and if it fell, I wouldn't look a convincing captive. Lol. The moon was also shining really bright. Around 10 minutes later, my kidnappers started taunting me with horrifying sounds. I know I shouldn't be scared but I genuinely was. They finally opened the door and when I was about to come out, Patette broke 3 eggs on my head.

"I love you", she said. I was horrified! It felt so slime-y and I don't like the smell of it. But we laughed anyway. I looked so terrible and pathetic. Lol. I was also greeted by my birthday cake. I was sooo tocuhed! They also made this message folder for me which really made me laugh. So I washed of my birthday eggs and we ate cake together.

It was around 4:00 I guess when we decided to go back to sleep. We planned to go to mass together the following morning. The following morning, however, Sordy came with a headache and Patette still lacked sleep, so it was just Godece and I who went to mass. We were supposed to go to a Mandaue church but Godece was afraid we'd get lost so we ended up hearing mass at Sto. Rosario. Greetings also flooded that morning. But the best one was from my mom. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel but I was happy...that kind of unadulterated happiness that kids seem to enjoy...when she told me she loved me. My insides still do somersaults when I think about it.

I told my high-school friends I'd make them eat in Leyte na lang because I was short of budget. Which of course was true. I wanted to eat with the friends who know what's going on in my life, who I see everyday, who make me feel that I'm special. Not that my other friends don't make me feel special, it's just that sometimes, they are insensitive to my feelings and I don't want to experience that on my birthday.

So I invited a couple of people besides our group and treated them all to Cheaverz. We ate a LOT and I was happy when I heard them say they were full to death. We enjoyed the talk after dinner, it was fun. We stayed there for 3 hours and went out to walk and buy ice cream. Jen had to go first so we bid her goodbye. After ice cream, Rizna and Anja had to leave, too so we were left alone with each other. We are rarely complete so I was happy that we were on my birthday. We goofed around for a bit in th parking lot, took pictures and laughed. It was time for Paul and Hannah to leave so we also said goodbye to them. Lori was weak already so she had to go upstaris first. But the four of us: Sordy, Godece, Patette and I were far from weak so we dared ourselves:

Lie down on the middle of a busy road.

It wasn't easy because we had to face danger and humiliation. Lol. After several failed attempts, Patette lay onher butt and spread out her arms. We followed. After several seconds, we hurriedly got up and ran screaming towards the parking lot. The feeling was soo great that we did it for a second time. This time, we lay there for a much longer span of time. We heard people laughing so we got up and laughed at ourselves, too.

The night was waning and I'm forever 19 until of course I become 20 which is a really, really scary thought. I'm getting old and I don't think I've grown up that much yet. Clock ticks and my birthday is over. Three important friends haven't greeted me yet. I'm a bit hurt but shoganai.

On the whole, this was the most wonderful birthday I've ever had. Really. Friends are great, food was awesome and I'm coming to terms with my new age. Hello, another year in my life!

A Foreboding Feeling

2009-09-26T21:19:00.001-07:00

I have a foreboding feeling. It's somewhere between fear and anticipation. I don't know what it's trying to tell me. But I'm scared because I keep thinking about my mom. I still don't know how to tell her about the ring. Every time I think about it, my heart races crazy. And it's all my fault. I also broke my Globe Visibility Broadband last Friday because I was so pissed. There was no connection and I needed to send my feature article to Ate Denise ASAP. Anger Management Issues come in and I go wild. When my friends came back, I drank Vodka and got a little buzzed. And now I fucking regret it. There are a lot of things you regret doing when you're angry. One of them is this. But sometimes, when you have lost far too many things, the feeling somehow comes naturally to you. Like somehow, someway, anytime, you are bound to lose something. I've never been able to keep something that lasts. The people, the things I have in my life, either I lose them or they go away voluntarily. And when people go away, I don't do anything to stop them. Because it's always been my belief that you can't stop people from doing what they want. If they really want to stay, they will. But if they want to leave, I should just let them go and get on with my own life.

Maybe that's why I've never really had a real bestfriend. Or something close to a relationship. Because I'm scared that somehow along the way, I'm going to lose them. And I have lost a lot of best friends and I keep having new ones and I lose the connection right away. Maybe it's them or myabe it's me. I'm a scaredy-cat. A chickenshit. But so far, nobody, NOBODY has ever seen that. Nobody has figured out that I'm always afraid. Nobody's ever dared to break that wall and try to see who I really am. One thing I've always observed in people is that they are so consumed in their own lives, in their own feelings, in their own talents that they sometimes forget that others have those too. That's why I sometimes wish I wasn't born with this kind of sensitivity. It hurts sometimes.

The MOALBOAL Experience

2009-09-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

The MOALBOAL Experience

Yesterday was the Production Party of My Fair Lady. Let me tell you now that there aren't enough words to describe what that experience was like. But for the purpose of relieving myself of lingering thoughts, I will try to narrate what happened here. In Bisaya haha.

Ang call time namo kay alas singko nya kay Filipino time man lagi, alas sais na tawn mi nakalarga. Kasagaran sa amu kay LingLit kay busy daw kaayo ang ComArts. I think it's not fair. Pwede ra man cguro na nila mahimu karong Sunday. Kami gani daghan assignment. Si Lori luoy kay di maka igat2 kay wala man si Jared bwahaha. Duha ka bus ang amo kipakyaw kay abi man lagi namo na manguban ang mga ComArts. So kay wala man sila, grabi kaluag sa second bus. Lingaw man sad ang byahe padung ngadto kay nanganta mi ug nagjoke2 hehe. Pero grabi gyud kasakit sa among lubot pag-abot. Almost two and a half hours ang byahe kay mga 9 kapin nami naabot. Dah pag abot jud grabi pagkasaba oi. Kami cge ug "WATER!!!". Grabi ka nindot sa balas, balud pajud kaayo. Excited namiiii!!! Pagnaug namu sa bus, nagpalumbaanay ang mga taw sa CR kay kaihiun na. Nyahaha. Ang uban nag-ilis na sa ilang mga bikini, ang uban nag picture2.

Nagtambay2 pa tawn mi sa cottage, ki feel sa namo ang environment. Bugnaw kaayo ang tubig. Si Lori ganahan na maligo so nag-ilis na si Sordy ug Godece. Pagbutang namu sunblock, diretso nami sa tubig ni Sordy. Si Godece taud2 na kuno. Waaah grabi ka batuon! Murag mabitas anytime amu tsinelas. Layu-layu nami, mabaw gihapon ang tubig. Si Paul ug si Ms. Chat miapas namu. Nya sila Godece ug Hannah. Kay batuon lagi, ang amu ra kalingawan kay magpa-anod sa mga bawd. Lingaw man pero sakit intawn sa mata ug lawas kay maigo man sa bato. Katong kapoy na, namalik mi. Diha diay toy black nga iro. Dako kaayo! Ganahan kaayo ko niya!! Paghuman duwa2 sa dako nga itom nga iro, nangaon nami. As promised, ang cast ang ni serve sa uban. In the middle of things, ning-ulan bitaw na...with wind pajud ha. So ang mga taw, tindog intawn nangaon. Kami ni Aaron nami sa gawas pajud sa cottage. Thank God nihunong ang uwan unya mi-init. Katong init2 na, nangaligo mi ug balik ni Sordy, this time, kauban si Patette. Naa naman sa dagat sila Aaron, JC, Adam, Rizna ug Anja so misunod na lng mi nila. Padung na taob so di na kaayo mabaw pero batuon gihapon! Ingon sila di daw kaayo batuon sa unahan so nangadto mi. Sakto jud. Naa man pud didto silang Cinette, Irene, sila Melody, Shanny, Martin...nagpicture2 na lng pud mi. Kadugayan nanghawa sila so kami na lng nila Rizna nabilin. Nagpa-anod, nagpicture2...lingaw pud baya. Diha na nako namatikdan na sakit na akong bugan. Si Sordy pud, sakit na pd daw iyaha so namalik mi. Pag abot namo adto nangaon mi kadiyot ug chichirya ug ni-inum ko ug isa ka shot nga Mojitos. Haha. Wla pa gani ko kapahulay, kibira naman ko nila Ate Shasha ug ni Patris kay mangadto daw mi ug Boracay. Ingon sila di jud daw batuon...adto sa pinakaunahan. Hay bisag kipilas ko, go gihapon! Pag abot namu, mas nindot jud diay ngadto. Wala ko naligo kay sakit na jud ako pilas so mi-una nalng ko. Pagbalik nako, nagduwa sila ug Buwan-buwan. Ganahan ta ko mu-apil pero sakit man jud. Nakapalit gud ko bag-ong shorts haha. Paghuman nila Buwan-buwan, nangadto sila sa Boracay. Pisti! Ganahan jud ko mukuyog nya sakit japon ako bugan. Natulog nalng ko. Pagmata nako, mingaw na kaayo ang mga cottage. Ang nabilin ra tawn ang mga wala nangaligo. Tua daw ang uban sa Boracay. Kay di naman kaayu sakit jud, niapas ko. Pagpadung nako ngadto, voila! A sandstorm! Pisti grabi kasakit sa lawas, murag dagum ang hangin! Katong hapit nako, kitukmod ko ni Ate Sha2 sa dagat. May ra pd oi ky nagdali-dali man jud ko ug tugsaw kay sakit ang balas. Sus kay BAGYO naman jud diay nya delikado na! I had no frickin idea! I was having fun getting smashed by those waves. They were mother***** big!!! Katong kami nalang duha ni Patette, murag naka-sense ko na dapat na jud mi manghawa sa dagat. Ang katong nakasilong na sa sandstorm, cge shagit na manillong napud mi. Pero lisod oi kay pirmi ko maanod na pagtindog nako, maanod na pd ko. Luoy tawn si Patette kay maanod pud sha ug apil. Katong nakahawa najud mi sa dagat, naglakaw mi ug paspas padung sa balay sa unahan. GRABI jud kasakit!!!! Murag kag kitattoo sa tanan nimong lawas! Pag abot namo adto, nangutana tawn silang tanan if OK ra ba daw mi, Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was wondering though why they looked so terrified. I thought it was great to experience a storm firsthand. But apparently, they thought otherwise. Later, I was beginning to have chills. Tugnaw na jud ang hangin. Bisag walay nagpanic, dihay cge ingon nga ayaw ug panic. I don't like it when people make a big deal out of things. We are obviously not going to fucking die. But of course, I know that we had to do everything to be safe and we can't be complacent. We prayed, then we walked, hand in hand, back to our cottages. Pag abot namo, wala na amo mga bag! Kisulod na daw tanan sa bus! Putragis! Wala jud mi naka-ilis. Gipangita dayun nako ako bag and when I found it, I behaved myself in my seat. No complains, I just sat there. Sila tanan ganahan mag-ilis so ila gipahawa tanan lalaki sa bus. I didn't want to change. Not without a proper dressing room. So I stayed wet. Hapit na mularga ang bus, naki-hitch pa jud ko ug isa ka tequilla shot from the other bus. Kato nilarga na, bati gihapun ang panahon pero mihinay na kadugayan.

I was freezing! As in murag padulong nako pneumonia. But I was in my happy mood so I knew I wasn't going to get sick. We slept a bit and when we woke up, nangita mi ug kalingawan. Ang uban nangihi pagstop-over sa bus. Si Ate Shasha diay ug si Ate Jocelyn, wala tawn mga tsinelas!! Murag naanod nato. Kaluoy. So after ato, wala nako nakatulog ug balik nya nanganta na lng mi ug grabi ka cheesy na mga songs until naabot mi. Pag-abot namo, I was shivering still but I was happy. I hugged everybody and we went home. Pag-abot namu sa bhouse, I was already coming down with a fever. Naligo ko, I changed, and I slept. At 8:30. I knew I was happy but I was feeling something opposite. Gikulbaan ko pero wala ko kasabot ngano. But oh well.

All in all, the MOALBOAL experience, is surely one to be always remembered! And talked about...

SUNDAY - A Memory

2009-09-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

THE NIGHT AFTER

Wow! Last night was the most fun I've ever had since I don't know! I was in my drunkest self, I was dancing like crazy and I think I remember asking Paul to kiss me, which he did. Twice. Lol. Who wouldn't be f**king drunk? I had six shots of patron tequila BEFORE we went out so I was already getting there. But not totally there yet. When we got to Gabbannas, our friends were there already. Too many to enumerate. But they were fun people. They were already making rounds of beer, which I passed every time it was offered to me (because beer is a something non grata in my stomach). Sir Eugene and our gay friends were on the neighboring club so we went there to visit them. We met his boyfriend who was fairly cute. They were also making rounds of beer which the fairly cute boyfriend offered me which I did not refuse because gay people are so good at persuading people and it was for Sir Eugene. Patette wasn't there so Paul and I smoked a bit. Just one stick, mind you. We also danced there haha. Along with our other friends who went there to visit with us. Ah I had my first sandwhich dance! And it was with Paul and Aldwin, too!!! Then we went back and I had my second sandwhich dance. And another sandwhich dance. Lol. I danced with A, too. Couldn't look at his eyes. I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to focus on his face or if I deemed the dance an awkward moment because his girlfriend was just like some significant meters away. I also met Maricar on the toilet when I was sticking my fingers on my throat to throw up. I was VERY drunk so I think I kind of greeted her rudely or something. I feel so bad. I always want to be nice to the people that the people I love love. But I think I couldn't help but feel jealous. A is very nice and he's easy to like. I'm trying to keep a safe distance between us because I have a very dangerous tendecy of falling for guys who give me attention. He was also joking about giving me a kiss because he totally saw Paul slobbering me. Even if I was already f**king stoned, I would NEVER EVER do that with a guy who already has someone he loves. And I would never do something as cruel as that to a girl I've just met. Maricar seems sweet and if A wants to cheat, which I don't think he will ever do, it will not be with me. EVER. But the thing is, if this is it. Then, this is it. I have no intention of denying that I've already stumbled. And in no time, I know I'm going to fall. But once I'm there, I have no right to act on it whatsoever. And I don't plan to. Not if I was drunk or concussed or out of my mind. I will not do anything about what I feel until the day comes when he's free and I'm ready. I don't wish for their relationship to end soon. God knows I don't. In fact, I want to cheer them on, to be happy for them. All people who are in love deserve to be happy with the people who love them back.

So enough with this ranting about love shit. After beer, we had VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had, what, five shots? So after those five shots, I can barely remember what happened. I do remember that Kenneth brought Kuya Lyndon with him and I sort of hugged him as if we were close. I don't remember exactly what I told him but I think I was saying something about Lynjun.and his girlfriend. Oops. Everybody else was drunk now and we were dancing with no inhibitions whatsoever. A few times I closed my eyes to sleep but Paul always woke me up. He is so loud and naughty when he's drunk hahaha. Around 1:30, I was feeling really bad. I didn't think I could hold it anymore so I insisted that we went home already. Sure, it was early but it was my stomach. I could have went home by myself but they insisted we went home together. So I paid for the vodka and literally stuffed the change in my bag. WE got into a taxi and I paid for the ride. I think my 500 peso bill fell when I was fumbling for the 100 bill. So now, I am an effing broke ass. But I am not really feeling bummed about it. I want to think it was worth it. Whatever I lost for the fun I had. The night and the day that led to it.

THE DAY THAT LED TO IT (haha)

The last day of the play I mean. I was so sad thinking it would end soon. Our late night rehearsals, our bonding in between scenes, our craziness, our whack ideas, our friendship. It won't be lost of course but the time..it was the time. It's the time that we can't bring back again. There was so much energy this morning. Call time was 9 but since everybody else was late as usual, we had spare time to eat and get a taste of another religion. They're called New Life. I had so much fun!!! I really felt God, you know. And I freaked out subtly when I saw Paul crying. I didn't think it was weird. In fact, I found it mysterious and overwhelming, So anyway, the first show was GREAT! We had great enery, Aldwin was great, Patette amazing and the rest of us energetic. Pattete's parents and kuya were watching so they kid of took it easy on the kissing scene. But in the end, her father got teary-eyed and so it was worth it, our energy I mean. The second show was just as great.Sir Eugene was a bit fidgety because the great Dr. Rosal was watching. Lol. When it was time for the third and last show, we held hands for a bit and held back tears. We prayed to God for its success. But were sure of our ENERGY! There was SOOO MUUCH ENEEEERRRGY!!

The time has come. House music pervades through the hall and soon it is filled with people's hushed voices, coming in and sitting down. For a moment, this random unremarkable sound is like jazz music to our ears, gentle and comforting. For a moment, we are entranced to our own different reveries, we are taken back to the day when all of us, people who had little to do with each other, met and became friends. Our hands begin to tremble so we find hold the hand closest to ours and hold it tight. The hall gets dark and the hushed voices is silenced. The announcement is made and it starts to rain. Then the people meet a flower girl and a phonetician and a retired colonel. They see her change into a lady. They meet the professor's housekeeper and mother, a social-climbing lady, her handsome son, a flighty hostess and a big-stomached Hungarian. The people laugh then they snigger. Sometimes, they fall silent. Sometimes, they clap. But we know that always, that flowegirl amazes them.

A fight ensues and the phonetician is heartbroken and he breaks down and cries out the name of the girl he loves. The people clap and we cry. This is it. The end. The lights shine again and we are called. Soon after, the stage is filled with hugs and kisses and hands and tears and memories and words. This is the end. Sad but happy. This is love. This is our moment.

OVER

2009-09-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

I've realized something really important today: I AM OVER HIM!!!!

I am totally over G! I am so happy!! I saw him walking past this afternoon and of course I talked to him and I totally felt NOTHING. In fact, I was a bit annoyed. I think about it 'till now and I don't feel tingles or shivers like I normally would. And I wasn't sad to see him go and I had NO desire whatsoever to see him again, which is good.

I was with Godece and she attributed it to me having feelings for A. Reality check: Dude has a girlfriend and I have no intention of being a third party. EVER. And besides, I finally figured out that the bonding we have is nothing more than friendship. I am not the desperate type. If A likes me as more than a friend, then great. If he doesn't, then great too. I'll take whatever comes my way. Seriously, I don't care anymore. The fact that I'm feeling uglier and fatter each day is not helping. Maybe this love thing isn't for me...for now, I guess. But I'd still want to look pretty...just in case. Haha.

***

I just finished watching The Uninvited. I liked it. Emily Browning is so pretty and she's short like me. I guess if I was skinny like her and had nice hair and a clear face, I think I'd look really beautiful. But thing is, I don't have all those. And in a world like ours, you need to be beautiful to make the cut. Seriously, if I had been prettier, I'd be playing more significant roles in the play. Not that I don't like being Mrs. Pearce...it's just I know I can do better. For God's sakes, I could do Eliza or even Higgins! But being short and fat and ugly only gets you forgettable roles like the governess or the parlormaid or the passerby. Sometimes, I think it's unfair. I can only be the smart best friend or the dependable side-kick, I never get to have the spotlight. They don't even give me the antagonist roles for Pete's sake! No I'm not saying I want to be Eliza because I don't. Really. The point is I deserve more. I deserve to have my talents recognized, too. I deserve to have people's attention for a minute. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected as a friend. I deserve to be more than just a lady-in-waiting.

And I will get all those things. There are no small roles. I will make myself significant in this world. I know I was born for something great. I will be beautiful and make people regret that they ever thought I was ugly and undeserving. Yes. I am FAT and UGLY and SHORT. But I swear, on my very soul, that will change. Someday, someday, it will.

No Longer My Friend

2009-09-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

I hate real-life drama. Maybe because I've watched too many melodramatic soap operas on TV. Or maybe because I don't like to recognize my cowardice in confronting other people about the shit they do to me.

When people talk about going into fights with others, I always tell myeslf I'm lucky I don't have to go through with those kind of things. I hate fighting, I don't like having enemies, I detest hating people...especially when they're your friends. But until what point can you tolerate the mess other people make in your life? How do you know the right time to not care? I am so troubled right now. I want to think people can keep their promises, that they can somehow be worthy of my trust. But I've realized even friends betray you. And it hurts.

I don't know how my friends see me. I don't know if they are aware that sometimes they get into my nerves and make me cry. I don't know if they realize that I have my own feelings too and sometimes they have to recognize that I can also get hurt. I am not the kindest person. There is a limit to my patience, to my generosity, to my tolerance, especially to my friendship. Because friendship to me is a very important thing. Because when I make friends, I make it a point to make myself visible in their lives. I make sure they know they can always turn to me, that I'm always there. I make it a point to make them realize that I love them unconditionally. Because I don't believe in frienship with benefits. Frienship should be unconditional and free. I was sure my friends thought that way too. Now I'm not so sure.

When I treat you to dinner or lunch or to a movie, it doesn't mean I always will. I am NOT fucking rich. So when the first thing you say when we see each other is "panlibre beh", you can bet fucking rock-bottom that you just hit bullseye on my heart. I am NOT a fucking restaurant. When you say that to me, I feel like you want to be friends with me only because you can get freebies. When I let you borrow money, it DOES NOT fucking mean that you don't have to pay me back. Again, I am NOT fucking rich. My mom toiled to send me my allowance and you don't have a right to just take it away without paying. And when I don't ask for it back, DO NOT think that I don't want it back. I'm just being both considerate and a coward. So FUCK YOU for ever thinking that I don't feel anything when you borrow money over and over again without paying me back. BELIEVE ME, I could kill you. When you lie to me, I'd understand your reasons for doing so. But when you lie to me again, I'd think you think I'm stupid and I will NEVER believe you EVER AGAIN. When you take something from me without my permission (a.k.a stealing), like for example, my 500 peso bill, I WILL BITCH AT YOU unless you admit you did it and return my things to me. When I catch you redhanded, I swear to my Father's grave, I will rip your hair out of your head. But worse than that, you will have lost my trust. And when my trust is lost, NOTHING you do will ever bring it back. When I tell you I support and understand you, I MEAN it. But that does not mean I approve of the things you do. I am not the type of person who tells others what to do. I believe humans are naturally smart. So I leave it to your "intelligence" and your conscience to decipher which things you have to do and which things you should stop doing.

Yes, I am writing about you bitch and you have lost my trust, my respect and my friendship. It makes me sick to look at the shit you have made out of your life. I don't want to think that I am starting to hate you but you make it sooo fucking hard. I am sorry for you more than I ever have for any other person. You chose what you have chosen. I told myself I wasn't going to judge you until the day you make or break. You are on the verge of breaking and I am on the verge of losing my temper. I still care about you but recently, I've learned it's much more convenient to be indifferent. I have told you what I'm suppose to tell you. I have warned you and supported you and understood you. But it seems I have not achieved the desired effect. I've done my responsibility as a friend, now it's up to you to do yours. Your life is ruined and I am tired of picking up your slack.

I will still talk to you. I will still be civil and act as I always do but from this point on, you are no longer my friend.

2009-09-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

my heart is confused.

The Week

2009-08-31T05:10:00.000-07:00

One week without classes can make you forget to update your blog. Haha. Or is that ironic?

Rehearsals were full away this week. I watched a bit of volleyball, I visited the Regional Trial Court and witnessed two criminal cases, I also watched the Closing Ceremony for the Intramurals for the first time. Also apparently, I developed a crush on one of my co-actors. Haha funny.

I'm not sure how I feel yet because seeing Gen at the forum made me happy like heaven. And we held hands for a second which felt really good. AAAhhh!! Haha. And I bought that cake for Aaron because it was his birthday and because I wanted him to feel special. Not because I wanted to flirt.

And my mom came last Saturday and we shopped the whole day! I love it! I have a bunch of new stuff right now! And I got rich, too but got broke again. I treated Patette and Lori to Hola Espanol! Couldn't help it. I can't bear seeing Patette so down in the dumps so I just had to make her happy. And today we watched the 3D version of UP. I cried sooo hard! It was such a BEAUTIFUL movie!!

So that was what happened this week. Good luck to me this week!

not exactly

2009-08-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

I don't exactly know what to write except that I don't want to write.

Not about secrets of other people. What I'm going to say is that what I found out today was painful and right now I feel like I could cry for days.It's so unfair that the really bad things happen to good people.

I want to write though about how I lost my mom's engagement ring.

Saturday afternoon. It was hot and boring. After Godece, Sordy and I watched 10 thingsI hate about you, I suggested we went swimming at Family Park. It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing but then we went anyway. Before we left, I took off my ring because I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE IT there. Details of the swim are not noteworthy because the place and pool sucked. So we went home and I forgot to wear it back.

SUnday afternoon. After practice, Lori texts me that her 1000 peso bill went missing. She remembers putting it in her jewelry drawer but doesn't remember if she locked the door when she went out. I was thinking of checking if it was locked before I went down but DID NOT. I don't feel worry because it wasn't my money so I go home and help her look for the bill. I am telling her that I was lucky none of my things were stolen: Night is still on my bed and my money is still in my closet. I am confident when I suddenly remember that I am not wearing my ring. I panic and I rummage my jewelry box for it and COULD NOT FIND IT.

I cried so hard. I don't know how to tell my mother. I don't why things like these happen to me either. Apparently, I am not able to keep authentic jewelries. I lost the ring my mom gave when I was a kid when I put it in the giveaway box they gave away at my aunt's wedding. I probably took the wrong one and some lucky bastard found the ring and got lucky with it. Next, this gold necklace which I pawned Valentines Day of 2007. It was one of the things I regret most. The money I got and the things I bought with it were not worth it. And now, my mom's engagement ring. Got stolen when somebody entered our apparently UNLOCKED door. I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. I am just thankful Night was not stolen because if he was, I'd drug myself to death.

I don't want to blame my roommate but I can't deny that I'm placing half of the blame on her. Sometimes, I just want to stab her with my green scissors. She's so f**king careless and inconsiderate. And I know it's not good to think ill of people but sometimes, no, most of the time, I hope they'd kick her out and leave me alone (better) or with another roommate (okay with it).

Mixture

2009-08-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

My days have now become a mixture. Early in the day, it gets really, really bad and later in the day, I get so happy.

Rehearsals have been fun lately. Last Tuesday was the CAS Assembly so we just stayed around to wait for the rehearsals. Godece and Sordy were there with us, too! So we ate baked mac and found chinese garters and felt the sudden urge to be kids again. We bought some and then excitedly planned to play on the rooftop! It was sooo much fun! Half of us barely made it though. Haha. Apparently, our reflexes aren't as good as it used to be when we were much younger. After we played chinese, we sat for a while and decided to jog around and then play the three-legged race. AAAAHH!! I can't remember the last time I laughed sooo hard! So after that, there was stil some energy left so we played Marco Polo. Poor Sordy, had to be groped! Haha. Then we also commemorated our CAT days and formed our CAT formation under our commandant Hannah. Heeehee.

Whew. I was dripping from sweat like crazy after that! It was time to rehearse already so we rested. It would have been a good day absolutely had Patette been happy, too. But she wasn't. She was crying all over the place and just looking at her breaks my heart. She's upset over their dance but I didn't she had to be upset about it. She performed really well. So did the rest of her groupmates. SO before Patette came, I volunteered to be Eliza and realized that being lead IS really a difficult job. But I enjoyed it and they seem to have enjoyed my performance, too because we were all laughing.

Wednesday morning. I cried like shit. I was sooo angry I could have killed someone if I had the means to. First, I woke up late to write my essay so I finished late. As a result, I barely had time to take a bath and get dressed. I got out of the room, 5 minutes before the start of first period. I hurriedly went out to find a computer cafe to print the paper. Unfortunately, I had to walk quite a distance to find something open and unfortunately, 2 nursing students were lined up before me, printing and photocopying 5 pages of papers and arguing with the counter lady that it was supposed to be printed in long bond paper. I was already pissed so I imposed myself and had my essay printed first. So I was already LATE. When I was about to enter, the fucking guards stopped me. WHY?! Because I was wearing a pedal that was long enough to be a capri!!! I was already pissed because I had worn it a dozen times and had never been held off before. I told them I was late for my midterms but they would not listen and told me to enter through the center gate. I felt shouting but I knew there was nothing I could do. I went out and saw that the middle gate was fucking far so I decided to go home and change instead. When I entered again, I was already on the verge of crying because I was almost 30 minutes late already. They stopped me again to glance at my ID and I instinctively said "pisti" so they let me in. I took the exams with a heavy heart and when we got the cafeteria, I burst out and cried.

Thank God for friends, though I was able to smile again. The rest of the went pretty well after that. Rehearsals got us all laughing like crazy! Both the Elizas were absent so I again filled in for them. Lori was out somewhere else so Ken was the one who filled in for her. We just laughed so hard I felt my ovaries were coming off! Also, Patette told me really wonderful stories which really inspired me and made me happy. So all in all, I was happy yesterday. I hope to be happy today, too. So long.

Hell Days

2009-08-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

My days have been bad lately. I feel happy earlier in the day and then I find myself on the verge of self-injury a little later. Maybe it's the PMS thing I always hear but never actually experienced. Gah! At times I just want to kill someone!!!

Like yesterday, I went to Ayala to buy some stuff and as always, shopping made my happy. It was still early so I sat for a while and I headed off at around 6. Fucking traffic! Now you've probably guessed it that I arrived at 7 am. Thankfully though, one of my classmates seem to have been through the same boat and we arrived just about at the same time. I got 46/50 in my French midterms which is disappointing for me because I could have aced it had I taken it seriously and studied. Shite! I was just soo confident! But I was happy anyways. 46 is after all is still a high score.

Also, when I came home, the room was MESSY. And I spent 2 hours cleaning it like fuck and somebody has to mess it up in what, like, 2 minutes? I hate it when I do something nice and somebody totally screws it up and doesn't even bother or care to put the place in one clean piece again. And I hate the awkwardness. Because I know we both know that I know the HEAP of trouble she's into right now. I don't want to ask. She doesn't want to tell me, apparently. So we don't talk. AT ALL. Except of course when she asks me trivial things and I answer just as trivially. Talk about one hell of an elephant in the room.

It's just not me, you know. To be all brave and just bitch at someone like that. More so if she's been your friend for two years and who you thought was really cool until she goes and makes a big shit out of her life. Damn. I hate to be the firsthand witness of all this and I can't even do anything. I'd like to hope that she'd soon realize all the shit she's becoming. I don't even think she's beautiful anymore! She now looks like the crap's been beaten out of her! For now, I'll just keep silent until she comes around and gather up the courage to tell me herself.

Bad days, bad days, bad days. When will you fucking end?

Back in Leyte

2009-08-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was one of the worst days I've ever had to face. Everything got totally screwed up from my plan to study for physical science to the ticket. I was sooo fucking frustrated!!! But thank God for friends. Godece and Sordy and Patette cheered me up so I still went home with a smile.

I had fun!! But before my cousins came, I was bored out of my mind. There was no one I could talk to so I just played games on my cellphone. So I went up and met with Auntie Ella's made Ling-ling. She's pretty and really talkative and it makes me think it's a shame that she's not in school. And she said I was pretty so haha, that made my day. When Joan and Joy arrived, I was elaated! We caught up with each other's lives and talked 'till we were called by the old ones to help make sandwiches. It was when we met our 22-year old uncle we call Kuya Jay. When I first saw him, I absolutely thought he was reeaally cuute. But hands off of course, we're uncle and niece. Haha. All of us spent the whole night playing card games and slept at around 4:00 am. We also talked and goofed around. When we woke up, it was still 8 am.

The burial was at 1pm. I was teary-eyed because I saw my mom crying. But I wasn't able to cry myself. I don't know why. Maybe the tears I cried on Thursday were enough. So now I'm back in Leyte and not too excited to go back to Cebu. Because there will 3 midterm exams waiting for me and I haven't studied for one yet! But hopefully, I'll be able to study on the ship and maybe ace the midterms?! Hahaha.

Bad Morning

2009-08-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up bad today. I slept at 2 am and had my alarm set at 4 and I woke up at 7 instead and found out that all the files I saved last night are gone. Fuck. I hibernated the fucking computer.

I'm going home tonight so I ought to feel better. And luckily, I only have one exam. But I have two classes. Last night, was my niece Nikki's birthday. It was held at Hotel Asia. Boy, the people! I was genuinely shocked at the crowd last night! And I brought Patette, Sordy and Godece with me too. I wanted them to meet my family. It was a shame though that my mom wasn't able to come. I'd love for them to meet her. But what really broke my heart was Tit's expression. He didn't seem at all happy. He probably misses mom already because he's leaving again for work. Kuya, too, will be leaving next week. It makes me sad knowing my mom has to be alone again for a long time. I don't know if she's gotten used to it but people don't normally want to me alone. It gives them too much time to think. And I don't like the things she might be thinking...with lolo dying and tits leaving and all. I just feel, even for a day,that I need to be with her and make her feel that even if we don't have that ideal mother-daughter bond, that I love her and I don't want her to feel sad.

But anyway. Life is sometimes that way. All I can do for her is to give my best on the exams. *sighs*

I'm still feeling pissed but not that much anymore.

This Sad Day

2009-08-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

I woke up today knowing that my mom wouldn't be coming. I had a feeling. I wasn't excited. But to be sure, I tidied up my room last night. I scrubbed the floor, the bathroom, and swept like crazy. I finished around 1 am and slept. It was a good sleep. I even had a dream which I couldn't remember now.

Last night's rehearsals were good. But I don't want to talk about yesterday. I want to talk about today. I was right. My mom's not coming. My grandfather died. And now I'm crying my eyes out.

My lolo had been sick since I was old enough to learn who he was. He had some sort of degenerative disease, the ones that eat up your motor nerves until you are eventually disabled from moving about or talking to your grandchildren. I didn't have the chance to get know lolo because by the time I had stories to tell, he already lost the ability to speak comprehensibly. He'd murmur and twist his face almost in smile, as if asking how I was doing in school. I remember smiling back and saying I was in okay and he laughed like a sick person would laugh. My mom was the only person who could understand him and she said he wasn't asking how I was but what grade I was in. I laughed back and shyly told him I was in 5th grade. That was the only conversation I remember having with him.

As I grew up, he grew more sick. And when I got to college, he was thin as a sick. We'd eventually visit and give him a kiss on the forehead but that was all the contact we made with him. And now he's gone and I wish I did something more. He could still hear. Why didn't I talk to him like I should have? Let him know that I was grown up? I'm sure that would have made him happy although I know he wouldn't be able to show it. I should've done something that made him happy. But I know he was happy. I hear him almost saying I miss you when he murmurs as I make lamano. And you can see in his eyes how excited he is every time we come over and just being there even if we don't talk to him. I'm sure if he could talk and move, he'd drive us in his four-wheeled bicyle and take us to that river where they used to fish.

I'm stupid. I just realized how much I loved him and now it's too late.

Getting Broke

2009-08-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

I'm getting broke. Fast.

Have I mentioned that on Friday, Patette and I pigged out at Shakey's? Yes, and there went the money I put aside to buy a new printer. And also yesterday, when I was about to step out to buy a drama series to occupy myself for the coming days, we went out again. What was initially supposed to be just cheese strussel and coffee at Julies which would usually cost less than 20 pesos turned out to be a Mango Frost and a Choco Banana Muffin at Figaro's which cost me 200 pesos. And now, I barely have budget for this week. Thank God though that parents will be coming on Wednesday for Nikki's birthday, and probably to check on me. And of course that implies that I'd have to clean the room and hide whatever it is that they might not want to see. It also spells another thing: MONEY. Haha, guess I won't be too broke this week!

Rehearsals were good yesterday, I enjoyed myself. Today too was fun. Before we rehearsed the scenes, we did few acting drills which were really fun. Apparently, Aaron and I are being typecast as a couple. Heh. Imagine Colonel Pickering and Mrs. Pearce having an affair haha. So Anyway, I went to mass today, too. After the rehearsals, I went to meet with Dara and Lynjun for dinner. My money was enough luckily. I'm really tired right now and I'll probably sleep after I post this. So, all in all, my Sunday is good. Hoping Monday will be too!

This I Have to Say

2009-08-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Friday was the day I had too much to eat. Literally! My stomach could barely hold it in! It was because after play rehearsals, Patette and I had a spur-of-the-moment hunger and we jumped out of the jeep to eat in Shakey's. I wasn't THAT hungry but I was nonetheless hungry.

Rehearsals were okay. I had fun because we kept goofing around about Mrs. Pearce and Colonel Pickering getting a kissing scene of their own. Well, anyway, we'll be rehearsing today, too so come what may.

It's Saturday morning and I haven't got much to say yet except that I am utterly disappointed with this one person. It's so shameful to watch someone undergo a process of slow eventual damage. More so if you actually witness it. I am never the type of person to judge other people so I reserve my judgment until the day comes when this person either changes for the better or ruins his/her life completely. But now, all I can say is that I am disappointed. He/She has so much to give, smart and attractive and funny, and yet, he/she wastes herself over this humdrum useless gathering of vices.

But I guess there is something to learn from other people's mistakes. Seeing this person under the influence of alcohol and what-not makes me want to be better. And I want to be better. I want to understand why he/she is doing this to his/herself but truthfully, I really don't get it. Family reasons, perhaps? That's a fucking lame excuse. I grew up without a father and barely a mother and I'm not out there destroying my life. But I guess it goes to show how people can be vulnerable to the world. I think this person is special and I hate to see him/her waste away all the good things that he/she has.

*sigh* In the end though, all I can do for this person is to be there for him/her and pray that one day, he/she can see that the world is so much more beautiful that what other people try to make it seem. Ma, I am ending here.

An Empty Thursday

2009-08-06T04:52:00.000-07:00

I should have gone hoome!! Rehearsals were canceled today and that put the icing on the cake. I absolutely did not do anything significant today. Well, except that I finished my assignments and finally found a copy of Skip Beat!, today was really, really empty.

I'm starting to feel lonely again. And I haven't felt lonely since..well...a very long time. Maybe I'm just feeling a little homesick. *sighs* I want to go home so bad I'm starting to regret I'm part of the cast. But of course, I'll never absolutely regret it. It's always been an ambition to star in a real production. My role is not really significant but I'm proud of myself.

Rehearsals though weren't what I pictured it to be. I can't put it to words but I think something is missing. Oh well. I guess I'll be watching Skip Beat! all night.

Wednesday

2009-08-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

Today is Genesis', Adam's and Jarvin's Birthday. I greeted all of them via text. Ah I was so happy to receive their replies, especially Kuya Gen's since we don't text too much. We have no classes today so I agreed to go out with Sam.

I enjoyed it because we got to catch up with each other. She made me wait an hour though. I was okay with it because I entertained myself by squiring the national bookstore. I taught her the basics of Russian. Before that, we had lunch at Moon's. AAAhh!! I am so full right now! Then we went to Seattle's for coffee. I realized that Starbucks is much preferable. I told her I'd leave early for rehearsals so I left at 2.30.

Sordy and Godece already left last night for Leyte. I was sooo envious! I want to goo hoome so badly!! But we have rehearsals and not going home will be the price of being in the cast. Well, anyway. We still have no classes tomorrow. Oh well, seems like some okay day for me.

But I hope though that today will be happy for the birthday boys. They're all nice guys. They deserve to feel special today. So I'm ending today's post here.

First Rehearsals

2009-08-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

I stick to my word that skipping a major class like English31 to make a report for a minor subject like Physical Science is crazy. But I'm going to be honest. I was really bent on skipping but then I realized that I didn't want to see a highlighter instead of my signature on the attendance list. So I came. Still. Haha

I was glad I came because we had a short quiz and I didn't get to report in PhyScie. I imagine I'd be throwing a fit if I skipped. So I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. It wasn't a good siesta because I kept waking up to pee. I keep peeing these days and the left side of my abdomen hurts. I told my mom about it and she said they were signs of Urinary Tract Infection and I had to take an anti-biotic. I don't get it. A part of me is actually looking forward to getting UTI...am I the weirdest or what?

So I had my first rehearsals today for our play. We are doing My Fair Lady which is technically based on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. I got the part of Mrs. Pearce. I wanted Mrs. Higgins but Mrs. Pearce is also okay. At least I get to say something, right? So anyway, I enjoyed it. I could say I was surprised to discover that JC is GOOD. He's really good! He knows how to put stresses and use intonations on his lines and his facial expressions are flawless too. Patette was of course, as expected, great. Her cockney is good too. Danica has to improve on hers a bit but she's nonetheless got it. I'm not sure about Aldwin being Mr. Higgins though. He has good voice projection but his lines sound monotonous. Well anyway, I'm sure everyone's going to improve once we get the hang of rehearsals. Sir Eugene is okay as a director, at least he's not too uptight. Or maybe because we're still at the beginning. The rehearsals excite me at really high levels but I'm sad because I wouldn't be able to go home because of them. We're going to be rehearsing like crazy starting this week until of course the play dates.

I'm kind of hoping my parents could come and watch. My role is small but at least they could watch me do my thing for once. Speaking of parents, ah, I miss them sooo much!!! I want to gooo hoooome!!! Godece and Sordy are leaving for Leyte tonight which makes me really upset. *tears* And we don't have classes tomorrow and Thursday. *sighs*

My only source of consolation is that this play will be worth it. Which I'm sure it will be. When I think of that, I'm not so sad anymore. Oh well. I end here.

Dolly's Birthday

2009-08-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Dolly's Birthday! She's turning 19 this year..and so will the rest of us haha. Scaaary. Anyway, I had soo much fun!

I wasn't really planning on going at first because I wasn't in the mood to go out. Yesterday was also the first rehearsals for the cast and some of us were confused if we had to go or not. But when Dolly texted me that we were her only guests, I had to come. It's hard to say no to something like that.

So I met with Earl and Lynjun at E-mall at ll.40, Jaye and Alyssa came at around 12 and as expected, we left at around 12.15. We also bought this mango float-ish cake for Dolly which was really yummy. When we got to her house, no one else was there but her family. We were a bit shy but then we eventually warmed up. The eating started and the next thing I knew, I was having the fullest moment of my life. I was just so full I felt like I was going to throw up anytime! I hadn't eaten that much food since our fiesta! My poor stomach!

So we stayed there for around four hours, still eating (even if there was barely room) and talking. I wanted to go to Ayala to buy *that* but they insisted we should go to mass together. Seriously, if people had friends like mine, they wouldn't be off doing drugs or wasting themselves on alcohol. But we had beer of course, which I didn't indulge myself in because the smell by itself is already vomit-inducing. So we walked to Church and heard mass and parted ways.

I went to Ayala and on the way, was able to talk to Sir Khleint. Haha he's still soo talkative! And then I went home. My original plan was to sleep directly but I found Lori watching My Boss my Hero so I watched with her. Ah it never gets old!

But another little thing that made me happy today was when Ezra called Dolly, he asked for me to be put on the phone and we talked for about a minute. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say. That made me happy because that proved that somehow, I was missed. There's also that other thing but I won't be reading too much into it. Don't want to risk my heart out there a second time.

On the whole anyway, yesterday was a good day. A little windy and rain-y but it was exactly my kind of weather. Today is Monday and I only have two classes. Right now, I'm thinking of skipping English 31 to make my report in Physical Science but I think that doesn't make sense. Haha.

Long Time No Write

2009-08-01T02:11:00.000-07:00

I realized today, thanks to that seminar we had this afternoon, that I needed to write here again. I don't really know why I stopped. But looking back, I think it was because my life got to a point where I just can't write things anymore and just enjoy stuff without having to type down every detail of it. But I guess that was just me being a lazy bum. I have realized now that writing is a part of who I am.

I didn't really wanna go to today's seminar because it's journalism and I'm not really into that kind of writing. But I'm glad I did go. The seminar's speaker was amazing. She's an Filipino-American entertainment journalist named Nadine Mendoza. She talked about how she started with a small dream which eventually introduced her to the industry of writing of and about celebrities. It sounds a hassling job but she sounds just like the type of person who could do stuff like that and be good at it. I've never dreamed of becoming a journalist but now that I have met her, I feel like I could also take that path.

My dream, back when I was still six, was to be an actress. The writing part came a little much later when I got addicted to reading and discovered I could also write stuff. I've known because something in my gut have always told me that I was born to be part of the entertainment industry. I wanted attention, I knew how to keep it when I had it. I love being recognized. It's just that feeling when you know you're meant to do something but don't actually understand what that something is. I know, I just know, that I was not meant to be just ordinary. I know someday, a lot of people will know who I am. I am sure of that.

I also know that people have to start small. I'm not gonna lie and say that I was okay when they told me I wasn't part of the major cast list of our play. I think I was disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to get attached to that thought that I'd be someone needed in that production. But thinking about it allowed me to realize that I have to accept whatever they give me. I have to start at the bottom. I do not have a right to be arrogant or proud. I am just a part of the play. It doesn't revolve around me.

So anyway, I feel better now that I am writing this down. I'll try to write everyday but knowing myself, it is more likely that I will not be able to do that. But I WILL write as much as possible.

I'm really feeling that English major spirit right now. Which is good. So I am ending the first post of many other posts to come (hopefully ;-)).

The Thing About Moving

2009-04-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

The thing about moving is that:

1. You need boxes. And I've thrown every single one I had. So, I stuffed everything into big bags with medicinal generic names on them. The electric fan and cooler, we had to carry without wrapping them with anything.

2. You need friends...to help you. Because you can't carry a gigantic stroller you can't carry by yourself. And you can't straddle two backpacks on your back at once and both your arms will probably break if you try to carry four big bags on each of them.

3. You need cash. One, because Talamban is 30 minutes away and two, because taxi drivers are not usually nice and they will ask for extra cash whenever there is an opportunity to do so.

4. You need strength. First, to pack all your stuff. Second, to carry them. Third, to unpack them. Fourth, to get them all settled.

5. You have to clean the bathroom. Because the previous occupant of the room apparently wanted to give you a nasty cleaning job as a bequeath-al gift.

6. You can't watch a horror movie during your first night. Because if you do, the marks on the wall will freak you out and you will not be able to sleep at all.

7. You have to buy what it is you want to buy when you find yourself in the city. Because if you don't, you'll have to walk a kilometer to find a store that sells the thing you need.

8. You have to constantly watch for jeeps because Talamban has no side-walks and if you are careless, you will find yourself run over by a 13C and that is a bust because 13Cs are big jeeps and will squish you really bad.

9. You have to have activities in mind because when things get boring, which is probably the case 90 percent of the time, you will find yourself talking to yourself in the bathroom. And when this continues, you might get really insane in no time.

10. You have to have music with you. Because the quiet in your new place will drive you crazy.

11. You can't expect that the guys in your new place are cute. Because even if they are, they are already married...to their computers.

12. You make a blog entry about moving because you have to get over the whole hassling thing. And you have to chill because it's over.

What Happened During the Second Sem?

2009-03-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

Was it better or worse than the worst semester which was last semester? Hmmn. It was better, loads better. Here's why:

1. God seems to find it funny to throw me in a class with my crushes. I'm talking about him and the other him. I know I was praying for it but I didn't realize it would actually happen. And when it did, it wasn't what I hoped for. Well, sometimes, I get the occasional blushes and several days of having brain-freeze because him and othe other him are all I could think about..but you know...nothing happened. No hey-I-could-be-your-boyfriend moments. What the hell. It was good nothing happened because I realized that I DON'T want anything to happen. He is too snobbish and he is too proud. I've figured I want neither of them.

2. Dr. Hope S. Yu. She is like the most amaaaazing teacher you could ever have! I was glad Chemistry was almost dissolved and I had to drop Language studies and take Poetry and Fiction. It was all twisted but I think I was meant to be in her class. And to think we were just of-shoots from the original class because we were too many and some of us (our group) had to transfer to an earlier schedule. We had sooo much fun! The discussions were full of insight and Dr. Hope is just aaahh she is so amaaazing!! And we did this suitcase epic thing for our finals..I really enjoyed it.

3. Lots of hang outs with friends. With my high-school friends and the Spice girls plus manager. The staff in McDonalds must be sick of us because we were always hanging out 'till 1 am to talk and laugh and get really noisy. We also created a habit of going to mass together 5:30 pm at the USC chapel. Ain't that sweet? For the spice girls, well, we had lots of ice cream and sleepovers and we went karaoke. And we danced. And went wall climbing and taebo and decorated boxes. We also passed around this green rubber in a ritual we call "the sisterhood/brotherhood (because of Paul) of the traveling condom" haha I still laugh everytime I try to think about it.

4. Uhm..got sortof addicted to the stick. But no worries, I'm quitting it.

5. I had to pull consecutive all nighters to write research papers for minor subjects. Yeah, no typos right there, it's the minors who have requirements such as these.

6. I didn't get sick!! Yay!!

7. I got my laptop I named Night.

8. No more ReEd and PE!! But it was worth it. I AM SOOO HAPPY I enrolled in the 6:00 class for REED..it was soo fun and I really did learn lots of things. Ms. Marte, our teacher, was the doll. I really, really love her.

9. I grew up a bit. I did. On the whole, I realized a lot of things. I'm a 100% pure masochist but I don't think I will allow anyone to trample on my dignity just because they think I won't get mad. I can't tolerate being used anymore. People have to realize that once they rub off on my bad side, it's that. No more ms. nice girl.

10. I didn't do any dieting. What the effin hell,who cares anymore?

So basically, that's is all I could write for now. I'm growing bollocking lazy huh considering this is my first update in three months. Well anyway. Here's here.

solitude

2009-01-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

the rain falls heavily on the roof

as if telling tiny stories

outside my window

so this is how it feels

when anger eats you up like

a monster

when solitude licks your skin

and fills up every starving pore

i'm all alone.

a lost shoe in the middle

of a wet hard marble road

abandoned, forgotten

is there anyone to claim me

from the coldness of this hour

from the chains of eternity i take

no pleasure in disovering

i am just alone.

a black diary with blank notes and

a set of rainbow colored pens

that know all the secrets

i am getting tired of thinking

that i love you and have no way

of giving freedom to the words that

have been longing to be claimed by your lips

i love you and you don't love me and still

i love you

i am still alone.

this boy i have met or

have never met and

will never meet again

pain is so sweet especially

when it is written in poetry

when the words make the bruises

sound like they are marshmallows

pink and soft and fluffy all over

i do not want to be alone.

a book of poems about

promises and memories and places

it's as if her words were all mine

if it were possible to forget you

to make your secret smile and your

warm eyes and the way your hair falls

over your head explode like boiling stars

from the cages of my memory i would have

raced time to get to the only way i can

i will not be alone.

Late New Year Post (of a frustrated stranded person)

2009-01-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I haven't at all written anything for the new year and so, here it is. First things first, I'm feeling lucky this year. I don't know why but I do. Maybe such feelings were triggered by the several occasions my friends and I spent going to the pool, to a spring, to my house. And not only that, I feel kind of warm too, like every moment, I feel something wonderful is going to happen.

As I write, I am stranded here in Leyte, struggling not to bite my nails as I worry if ever I could find my ass in Cebu in time for classes tomorrow. There's this tropical depression and the coast guards won't let any goddamn ship sail because the coastal waters are going to be rough. There's no rain though and no wind so that kind of appends frustration to my worry. Although this has been the fondest memory of Christmas vacation that I could so far save in my cerebral cortex, I miss school and my friends at school. It's fun pigging out everyday and seeing trees and sleeping and waking up late but I feel useless. In school, I have function, I could directly tell myself that I'm needed so I want to go back.

2009 sounds good, I think I'm definitely going to be much, much better. I don't really believe in that new year resolution crap because no one should wait until new year to change. And besides, no one ever sticks to them anyway so why fucking bother. Also, I am not going to write a long list or summary of what happened last year. Suffice it is to say that it was a hard year, colored by countless curses and lies and stupid enmities and thunderstorms and power outages and frustrations about love, beauty and health. Also, that year, I seemed to distance myself from my high school friends. There were times when I seriously didn't want to hear anything from any of them. I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart... what with different colleges and different new cirlce of friends. I think we were going through, in lovers' vocabulary, a rough patch. But we worked it out this Christmas. Once again, we were in high school and we were never away from each other. It's crazy how one moment I thought we were strangers and the next we're all the best of friends. Only they could do that. And that's probably why I kind of love so much.

Hmn aside from the bad stuff, the good thing about last year was its degree of insanity. Well, I'm not sure if insane is a good thing but if insane is there, fun is not so far away. And fun I did have. My college friends are one of the best group of people I could ever come across to in my life. They're all smart and funny and they're game for anything. And all these crazy ideas just keep pouring out. And last year I turned 18 too. Nothing to elaborate, nothing note-worthy happened. So this year hopefully, I could re-do the bad things and make them work for my advantage.

I'm posting a picture of the sky today. It's so gloomy. Makes you feel kind of depressed.

It's getting quiet, it's making me uneasy. My heart is beating shitty fast. Oh well, I guess I have to end this rant right here.

Christmas with Friends

2008-12-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

I guess it'd be weird to say that I didn't expect the change I saw in my friends.

It's kind of tradition for us to get together every time we find ourselves in Isabel, bored and thingless. Whether in my house or in someone else's, we all make sure we get to see each other before we go separate ways again. Communication always works but with the individual lives we lead, even we find it hard to catch up with each other's lives.

In such get-togethers, I am always the one who gets to foot the bill. If it's not safe to say always, then I guess "more often than not" will do. I can wholeheartedly say that I DON'T MIND because when I find myself out of cash, I don't feel robbed or deprived, I feel blessed, like I've received something greater that what I gave. And that's why I love being with these people so much... because they make being broke feel so wonderful.

SO 'nuff with these senti stuff. My point is, that yesterday, I wasn't the only one who got broke. We all did. And I wasn't expecting that because normally, even though I know they have some money on them, they'd say they don't. But yesterday, yesterday, cash was readily put on the table. They were all eager to contribute something and we were cooking together and buying stuff together. I hadn't felt that kind of bonding since last year's semester break when we watched porn together (haha and before u put anything nasty to your head, when don't do nasty stuff to each other). So we bought tuna and eggs and whipped up something out of them. Haha it tasted heaven. We also had ham and some leftovers from Noche Buena. There was no good movie so some of us talked while others surfed the net.

And in between all these activities, there was the camera. Haha we're such a bunch of camwhores. My camera is bursting with our pictures and God knows how long it will take to upload all of them.

I'm guessing that for what I felt and experienced yesterday and the other night (when I caught up with them in the pool and camwhored all over Housing) with my crazy friends, this blog post is pretty lame. But I think it will suffice if I say that they made my Christmas extra-special this year, that it was refreshing to see them after months of being away, that I still love them not a mite less, that they have changed and not changed at all.

A few more days and we're going back to college. But I guess when we're together, we'll just remain in high-school forever. Totally whack and splendid.

~firefliesandsecrets

Christmas Party and Party

2008-12-19T22:18:00.000-08:00

Okay last night was an effin blaast! It was the manifestation of several nights of practicing to walk like a bitch. Ardie was hard on us but he did a good job improving our posture, making us look fierce and teaching us how to walk the walk. And in the end, our efforts paid off. Everyone of us looked stunningly perfect (with or without clothes) and on-the-whole the fashion show was a big job-well-done.

But okay I had a lot of stuff going on BEFORE that night. My sister came and brought the influenza virus with her, making me sniff and blow and cough all over the place. Not a good time to be sick huh. So anyway, Sordy and I got to this salon to have ourselves made-up. We finished just in time but to our horror, discovered that every single taxi that passed by was full. So, in all our current finery (make-up and hair and all), we bravely walked through the night market in COLON. Yes, we WALKED. And yeah,it's a given that everybody was staring at us. 6:40 and still no taxi. We couldn't stomach that possibility that the show might start without us so, still in our finery, decided to ride a JEEP. Yes, people, we rode a jeep wearing make-up and all. The only good thing about it was that we weren't wearing our fancy dresses YET. So somehow, we snatched comfort from that fact.

We arrived, thankfully, on time. Well, not on time, but since everybody else was late, so yeah, we were on time. Ahhh! Everybody looked dazzling. Meg was there with us, too. So the show started and we were walking the walk. Everybody got hysterical when Paul took of his shirt and showed off "the kiss mark" which became "kiss marks" a little while later. Speaking of Paul, I forgot his gift in my haste to go to the salon, so I also, in a haste, went back to my boarding house to get it. And in my haste to catch the second set of modeling, I tripped on my high heels and fell down the stairs. Yes, I fell down the stairs. It was painful but I somehow didn't pay too much attention to it because I was hurrying. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to watch the second batch of models but thank God for the camera.

After the show, we had games and then took pictures and goofed around. I feel for Paul and Jonathan who were constantly ogled with screaming girls (me included haha) because they took of their shirts and thus, becoming the night's object of lust. Everyone wanted to plant a kiss on their naked (aah i am totally blushing right now) upper bodies. So yeah, I was one of them girls who harrassed these two guys. Anyway, we were friends so nothing awkward.

Night ended fast (at least to me). Spice girls plus manager exchanged gifts and I got a box of dark chocolates from Godece. We gave everyone hugs and walked together out the Hotel. We waited for our individual rides, hugged and kissed each other and said our goodbyes.

If y'all think the night ended there, you're wrong. I invited my high-school friends to a night out. Some said yes, others said no (because they were going home the same night). And in the end, it was only Lynjun who really came (except for Caren who was there with her blockmates and Keith, who said no but came anyway). I think I want to be honest and say that I was disappointed. Here I was thinking we'd all get together for a night of booze, dancing and fun and there they went cancelling at the last minute for particular reasons. I didn't want to force it so Lynjun and I just went to Autoshop to join Caren and her friends. Unfortunately we kind of didn't really enjoy ourselves so we decided to head off and find Ardie, Mark and the group of freshmen whom we met earlier. Thank heavens I found Francis ordering a case of beer and Lynjun and I joined him and the rest of his barkada. I was already tipsy so when we got into the conversation and the shots, I was already on the way to getting stoned. And stoned I was. I remembered bits of it but I know that I threw up on myself (thank God not on anyone else) and Lynjun and Keith, who came, had to bring me home. When I woke up, I felt HORRIBLE. I think it'd be an understatement to say that I was hangover. I felt like I was still drunk. So I went out, without bothering to wash any part of my body, to get starbucks. Damn americana coffee didn't work. But I guess what made me feel horrible was that I totally embarrassed myself to Lynjun, Keith and my new freshmen friends. I still can't get drinking right, I just get wasted soo easily. I would have wanted to talk more with them because they were loads of fun, the freshmen. I could see Lynjun and Keith enjoyed themselves too so yeah, I guess, the night was pretty good on the whole.

And now, as I am writing this in my house in Leyte, I am with a fever, a cough and a cold. But remembering all the crazy happy stuff that I went through yesterday, I have a reason to smile.

Summary of the Worst Semester (so far)

2008-10-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not in one of my cynical I-hate-the-world moods, I am perfectly serious and normal when I say that this semester is the worst I've had so far. And they below are the reasons:

1. Meg is leaving. And it's too bad 'cause she's one of the sweetest, loveliest person I've ever met. It's hard to imagine the coming semester and years without her and her crazy ideas and her bright smile and her kisses and her hugs and just the whole of her.

2. HE is the WORST crush I've ever had. Okay, first he gave me one hell of a time figuring out if he was gay or not. Next, he dropped some clues, showed some signs that he liked me and just ignored me like I never existed! And lastly, he's a jerk. Eff him, he can go to hell.

3. My Birthday. I'm not saying my birthday was bad. In fact, I rather enjoyed it from 12-am to 8-am. Thanks to Lori and Kirk and Sordy and Godece and Danielle and the Autoshop VJ. But after they all left, dude, I felt so alone. My mom didn't even call me. And I busted my phone later that day. And I had a class in Economics. And I cried my eyes out. My eyes were so swollen Sunday morning that I just stayed home the whole day. The only good thing I remember about it was the messages from my friends and their gifts. Lori and Meg's were the nastiest stuff I've ever received. Sam and Hannah's were the sweetest.

4. FINALS. Okay, this is a picture of how my room looked like during finals week:

pretty messed up huh? got so tired of cleaning 'em that I just slept over some stuff and eventually broke some of 'em. but i'm glad it's over.

5. My Face. It started breaking out again. Damned stress! The first thing I'm gonna do when I get home is run to my dermatologist and have all my zits removed. Dammit, I look so bad these days that I can't stomach to look at the mirror.

----

Okay, those are bad things. But here are the good ones:

1. My Biology Class. Sam was a great lab partner, my teachers were kind and great and my classmates were sh*tloads of fun. I couldn't have wished for better people to be with in bio. AB Philos rock!

2. Restaurants. I've eaten in some new ones with friends and food is just a new experience everytime. But the most fun I had was last night, when we all got together, dressed up nice and basically just enjoyed ourselves with dinner and each other's company. It was the perfect ender to the worst sem. And when I got home, I kind of thought, there is no worst sem when you have these kind of people around you.

3. Friends, my AB Linguistics friends. Family really. I think we all belong to each other. I love them all to death.

4. Starbucks. Vanilla frappuccino I need you!

Okay, I am currently ransacking my brain for more good things and so far, these are the only things I could come up with. But anyway, it's all over and I'm looking forward for better things next semester. Hopefully, I don't get to see HIM (worst crush ever) and some people who think they're smarter than everyone else. I'm moving on, I feel beautiful and I'm happy. Goodbye worst sem, hello sem break!

Listening to: code by NEWS (solo of Ryo Nishikido)

Another Love Post

2008-09-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know or remember how many times I've written about this subject. And yet, I feel there are still so many things left unwritten. I've fallen in love with different kinds of people countless of times, got my heart broken over and over again, and still here I am, blushing like a high-school girl, thinking about a guy and writing stuff about the wuzzy funny feelings he gives her.

I want to think that to be able to love is to be sure that somehow, your feelings will be returned. But I know that isn't true. Because love is unconditional and when you do love, there is absolutely no certainty that he/she will be able to give you back your feelings. I know this for a fact. And it hurts. It hurts to think that no matter what you do, you'll always be the only one who gets to feel the pain of thinking about a person the whole day and knowing they aren't thinking of you at all. It hurts to be told and shown that to them, you aren't good enough. You're not that pretty, that tall, that athletic.

And maybe this is why I'm too scared to fall in love again, to like a person and getting mad because you have absolutely no way of getting them out of your mind. Maybe it's the same reason why I can't bring myself to entertain the possibility that he might like me back. Why it extremely confuses me every time he does little things to make me smile, when he makes un-funny jokes that I laugh at anyway, when he holds my hand and smiles. Because when I tell myself, "he likes you", a bigger part of me says, "he's just being nice". And it's that bigger part who always gets to win. So I'm left staring at myself in the mirror and telling it that someone like him will never like someone like me.

But God! He makes it so easy for me to think otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't be so nice so I could just directly tell myself to fuck off. But the way he smiles...there's just so much hope in the way he smiles that it gives me a reason to believe in that stupid love thing again, to have confidence that maybe this time, someone will think I'm good enough. And maybe, just maybe, I could stop being in love with being alone.

Maybe I could finally find a reason to tell the mirror to mind its own business when it starts making me feel like major shit. I'm not a cynical person. Neither am I proud nor conceited. I won't think that a guy like him might possibly like me if he doesn't give me a reason to think so himself. I'm not selfish either. I won't fight for something that I know isn't meant for me. If he has somebody else, then I'll pig out and write a crappy blog post about how my heart has been broken for the nth time. But if this is it, if what I feel every time I look into his eyes is real and is not just some temporary high-school crush thing, then I'll thank God and find a way to make him and me an 'us'.

A Pink Sky

2008-08-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm just lazing around, facing the computer all day and suddenly everything turns to pink. I jump and rush to look at the sky. It was so unbelievably pink

It looks a bit orange in the picture but dude, when I saw the sky, I just felt...wow. Like you know when you're looking at something really beautiful and realize that it's there for you. The feeling is just wow. Plus it made me realize that today is my last day here in Leyte. And when I go back to Cebu, I'm a busy shithead.

I've a lot of things to do and so far, I haven't finished a single one. Frankly, I don't care. I don't want to think about school while I'm here. I'm at peace here. I can play the keyboard here. I can sleep and wish I'd never wake up. I can watch more than one channel here. My mom and my dad are here. It's nice to be in a place where you can just relax and not worry about anything. That's why I prefer Isabel over any other city. No matter how bland or boring this town is, this is the only place that makes me feel I belong. This is my home.

And a pink sky? I don't see that in Cebu. I hate Cebu. The only reason why I can still smile every morning is that I know I have people there that care for me. College life may be full of shit but with friends like mine, every shit is worth facing. So tomorrow I'll be back in Cebu.

I'll be leaving home again.

2008-08-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. The end of the week, the end of midterms. And so far, I have to comment on the following:

1. The weather.

It's been very fickle since Monday. One minute you're scorched by the burning sun and the next you're hurrying to somewhere roofed so as not to get yourself wet by the rain.I've loved rainy days since forever but I'm always pissed when it rains on Tuesdays because I don't get to wash my clothes and I spend whole Wednesday worrying if I get to to wear a uniform on Thursday. And well, the rain makes people late. This I can personally vouch for. Last Tuesday morning was a bit gloomy but I had NO idea it was going to rain REALLY HARD in the afternoon. As usual, I dropped by at Sam's house so we could go together for our Biology Lab practical exam. It was quarter to 1:30 when the heavens decided to flood Talambag again. I was horrified to see that there was NO way we could walk to school because the streets were turning into a big brown river. My watch screamed 1:35 and I remember Ms. Diola clearly telling the class NOT to be late. My stomach churned. It churned even more when I look at Sam and see she isn't worried a bit. Their car was broken (talk about perfect timing) so her dad made me call the guards to send over a taxi. 15 minutes had gone by and I was on the verge of biting my nails out of anxiety. No sign of the goddamned taxi. Thank God, however, the rain somehow slowed down and I can see the wet asphalt on the streets. Sam's mom had us wear plastic bags over our shoes so they wouldn't get wet. So imagine us with Teletubby feet. It was nearing 2:00 when we decided, courageously, to walk. It was, however, FAR from the depths of our knowledge that we were to encounter a HUGE BROWN SWIMMING POOL towards school. So I can totally see that Sam was really disgusted but I love stuff like that. You know, the adventure. It was fun, getting wet and dirty and flipping people off because they were totally laughing at our misfortune. Okay, so we arrived at 2:05 and thank the Lord Ms. Diola was kind enough to understand that we had to go get teletubby feet, get laughed at by people and constantly worry if we had missed the exams. In the end, I got home with a smile, a story to tell, and a flu.

2. Him

I totally missed him. Haven't seen him since last Friday and I could say that the Law of Gravitation worked here. The further you are, the less attracted you will be. Because when I last saw him, he touched my hand and to my surprise, I felt nothing. An awful nothing. So I thought maybe I didn't like him anymore. Moreover, I was thinking of him less and less everyday. Half of me was glad because I didn't have to feel so anxious when I don't see him and half of me was not so glad because I like what I feel when I see him. So today, I saw him. And voila, still head over heeels shaken. I gave him that Japanese chocolate. (hehehe) I hope he likes it.

3. My health

So the rain last Tuesday took its toll and now I'm coughing non-stop 24/7. My throat hurt, so does my nose from too much blowing and I can hardly sleep. I also got this fever but it's gone now. My step-sister had just given birth and my parents came over. I cried when I knew. So like now, I'm feeling better. I think my body is in the process of getting well. Which is good because I don't have to worry about disturbing my boardmates when I cough like a goddamned shotgun.

4. The MIDTERMS

SO far, so great. The tests weren't that hard (for me at least) and I thought I did good in all of 'em. Well, hopefully. And I sooo can't wait to get home. Another week in Cebu will kill me. I mean everything in this city is sooo NOT conducive to good health.

Okay, today is Saturday. And I'm smiling because I'm done washing my clothes. We have a meeting today at 8:00 and as usual, the rest of them started coming at 9:00 so I was left alone reading FHM, listening to Kuroki Meisa and shivering from the side-effects of the goddamned Bricanyl. After the meeting, I slept for a bit and went to SM.

I shopped for slippers and a new book. WHen I went home, Mark texted me to go back because he was treating me to a movie. I was thinking twice but then Ezra and Dara were coming so I got dressed and waited for them outside. Ezra was there and we shared an umbrella. Yeah right. SO I totally do NOT feel anything towards him anymore. And there was this big dog.

we wacthed wall e. Nice. we ate in Jollibee. we rode a jeep and got home. So far that was it. Oh and I slept with a smile. Great. :-D

One Rockin' Night

2008-07-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

I had plans for the Acquaintance Party last night. And most of them were disappointed. Thanks to Sam, thanks to my inability to refuse. Fuck, I know. Nevertheless, the night was PERFECT.

I wanted to have myself made-up in a salon but Sam wanted to fix our hairs at 3 o'clock and I didn't want to put on make-up that early. And hello? Am I supposed to walk all the way back to their house looking like a made-up idiot? SO I figured maybe her mom could make me up. But then again, when she'd tell me to close my eyes so she could put on my eyeshadow, I wouldn't understand, would I? So hell dawned on me: I was going to have to put on the make-up on myself myself. I went cold. I'm not much of a make-up artist but I still tried. And then another hell: I forgot my concealer. Can you spell pimples? Haha. I struggled to cover them with powder but fuck, they still showed. So I sighed and told myself: "OH well, at least I look hot in my dress"

And I did. I needed to show my legs so it won't be too obvious that I'm quite short. I thought I looked quite pretty and everybody seemed to agree. I love my hair. It's so shiny. Julia (love her/him) instructed us to come at five but the Korean won't let me go so I was an hour late. But what the hell, so was everybody else! HE was already there when I arrived and dude, he looked hot! I complimented him and he gave me this heart-melting smile. Plus, I get to hear him say my name again. It was at that point that I had an inkling that the night was going to be beautiful.

True enough, I made new friends, I couldn't stop smiling and I forgot that I was barely wearing any make-up. To hell with looking good, what was important was that I felt beautiful. Meg, Patette and Anja and everybody else looked breathtaking and I couldn't be any less proud. My sister's gown looked divine on Meg. She won Ms. Friendship too. Patette got Best in Production Number and Anja Best in Gown and second runner up. I had little "encounters" with him too.

AH, his hand on my cheek. I felt my heart disintegrating. Well, haha. That was enough to make this year's acquaintance party the most memorable and enjoyable yet. Kudos to Julia!

I'm ending my post here.Because I don't think no amount of words could contain what I felt that night. It's like tasting music. Yum.

Pictures are on my friendster profile (links dude).

The Beginning

2008-06-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

I’m sure if you’ve read some of my angst-y posts (like the one below), you’d probably concluded that I’m a dark, VERY emotional person. Well, I am. But not always. My life doesn’t revolve around anger and most of the time, I find myself genuinely laughing and smiling and having fun with the people around me: my friends, my family, strangers. They all shed light to when the nimbus clouds starts to appear. And for that, I can forget the reasons why I’m angry.

I’m writing this post because today and yesterday, I am smiling. And I can’t take it off my face. Maybe it’s because it started to rain, or because my friends are there or here is the reason that occupies most of my head these days: Him. No, not her, not Ezra, not Mark, not Joshua, not James, but Him, the beginning.

I am so not writing his name. I’m still having a hard time even mentioning it. But what is easy though is looking forward to saying hi every time the ring bells after English. I’ve got a crush on him, true, but I’m not sure if this is the lasting one (like with Ezra) or something-that-will-go-away-after-some-short-time things. One thing’s sure though, I’m stuck…and he’s making it very hard for me to extricate myself.

First, he totally knows how to knock me off with his mysterious smile. And he has this twinkle in his eyes, like he’s telling me a secret. And he’s really nice. Like yesterday, Lori and I were frantic about an non-existing speakers. She was going to sing and the song was still raw on my mp3 (yes I got it back). Thank God he was at the department when we went there and provided us with the solution. Second, dude! He thought we were going to dance! I found myself laughing inside. At least he was trying to be funny, right? I also remember him telling us to have a threesome in a singing exam. Lol. Third, he is totally humble. Even though there are girls practically dying to throw themselves at his feet, he still walks around like a normal student and even smiles at people like moi. And for me, that, is very, very attractive. Fourth, he’s smart. Well, I can vouch for it myself because he was our practicing teacher is Speech Class. Even though, he spelled occasion as ocassion, what the hell! I spelled recommendation as reccomendation. Point: everybody makes mistakes.

I am not going to write that I like him because he sings like Josh Groban. He was doing that since my freshman year and I didn’t like him then. I won’t even say I like him because he’s so cute because he’s been cute when I first saw him and I didn’t like him then. Although, his voice does fixate me and those eyes, well, let’s just say, I’ll need my pride to take mine away from staring at his.

Okay, so I’ve finally took some weight from my heart. But really, the most important factor of it all is he makes me smile and provides something for me to look forward too. I won’t make the mistake of taking these trying-to-be-funny antics, his kindness for like. If he likes me, he’ll come around. Right now, I’m sort of satisfied watching him at the corner of my eyes. And when he comes close, what will happen, will happen.

Anger

2008-06-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm really, really angry right now. And I'm crying. And resorting to self-injury.

I haven't been angry like this, ever. Right now, I feel like killing someone and I'm wishing that my sister never wakes up. I hope she dies in her sleep. This all her fault. I'm wishing I never had my friends. Last night was supposed to be wonderful, I thought it was but then they acted like prize jerks. Right now, I'm wishing I never met any one of them and for once, I was ashamed to call them friends. I hope I never see them again. This is all their fault.

Right now, I'm wishing I could stop breathing. And die. And never be alive. It sucks to live, especially when people around you don't understand you, especially when most of them cause you to be disappointed and angry and embarrassed. They're all stupid.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is just like an impulse-of-the-moment thing, where what you feel and think depends on your mood. Or if this is what I really feel, regardless of whether I'm angry or not. One thing's for sure though, that I'm really, really angry.

My dad is pissed because my friends dirtied the car. And I'm thinking that'll be the last time they'll be able to ride it. Sometimes, it's okay for them to hurt me and sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore. I love them, with all my heart but right now, I'm not sure if they love me back. I don't feel like talking anymore. My heart is too heavy and I finally realized that they really don't understand what I feel.

I told myself that I'd rather be angry than disappointed but now, I figured you can't be disappointed and not be angry at the same time. And both are weighing down on me worse than I'd have hoped for.

I want to sleep. And wake up somewhere different. Where there are people who won't disappoint me. But then I guess that's all a part of being alive. And that's why being alive sucks. Looking back, I guess, I'd rather be a fish. Oblivious. Unfeeling.

The Slumber Party/Horror Marathon and the Housing Fiesta

2008-05-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Friday night was stormy. I felt like the wind was going to tear off our windows and the rain was pretty heavy. Outside, the lightning went off and on, like disco lights. The telephone rang and it was our cousin, Erika, informing us that there would be a sleepover that night and a horror marathon. The weather was pretty freaky so we decided to go (I know, ironic, isn't it?). We watched Alone, it was really creepy and we were all screaming our guts out. In between, we ate Pancit canton, made my our very own Bambino, Andre! I could almost hear him say BENE! lol. Then we watched The Teacher, which isn't a horror movie really, more like the SAW kind of movie, lots of blood and gore. But me like. The story was really good and we (those who weren't sleeping yet) enjoyed it.

11:20 pm, we nestled up and cramped into Auntie Aisle's bed. I should say that even if we were still freaked out, we slept pretty good. When we woke up in the morning, we exchanged funny stories, had a good laugh and went downstairs to have breakfast. Mama and Papa were more than accommodating. Then we watched Ghost Train (2 out of 5 stars -- too many ghosts) We were supposed to stay longer but my sister unexpectedly had her period so we went home ahead of the rest.

Sunday. I had a dilemna. I wanted to stay home. But it was either I go with the rest of the Baje Family to the Tabunok Fiesta or I go to Housing Fiesta by myself. Well, actually, it wasn't really a dilemna because it wasn't very hard to choose between the two alternative. Read this: FRIENDS.

So I'm letting the pictures (taken by our phones) speak for themselves.

Doreen's Advance Birthday/Debut Party giveaway. Her birthday's on the 18th but she still has classes on that day so she had to celebrate her birthday yesterday.

Rain. After Doreen's we headed to Chipoy's and ate (again.) The sky was already very dark when we decided to go to Carole's house. I was very reluctant because I don't really know her that well, I mean we DID only meet once.

But I guess I'd have to say that she was very civil and moments later, we were like close friends. We stayed at their house for about two hours and we went to Raymund's. It was already raining when we went outside.

No amount of rain can ever dampen our camera-whore spirits. *lol*

See how happy we where..

We were already at Raymund's house but we were still up for a couple of photoshoots. This is from left, Carole, Bridget and Elmer with my guitar.

Me and Elmer. We were both in red so we kind of thought to do an emo kind of pose.

AH, FOOD AGAIN!

AND AGAIN!

With BOOZE of course! Haha!

Already 6:30 when we took this. This was our last shot inside the house..

Okay, maybe not..

Shot taken outside. It was really dark. And we were with Raymund's dog, Lucy. We then walked together towards school.

Okay, so when we were jsut doing that, we encountered a group of drunk (not to mention ugly) guys and they were verbally harassing us. We got all freaked out and walked really fast. Luckily, we arrived there without anyone getting hurt. Now, I had a problem. How was I going to get home? And then there was Keith..who was kind enough to take me home on his motorcycle. The bad thing about it though was my mom and dad were right outside when we arrived. Talk about awkward. They must've thought he was my boyfriend or something. No thanks. Keith is soo not my type.

So right now, I'm pissed off because I couldn't download a stupid split file. And I'm thinking later, I'd be up for a lot of questions. Scary.

My Boss, My Hero and my loneliness

2008-05-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today, my mom, my sister and my dad are arriving from Manila after being there for a week or so. But suddenly, I wanna be alone. Maybe it was because I feel bad because they weren't able to buy me that frickin dress. But I guess I'm grown used to being alone. I really am an introvert, ain't I? And besides, I enjoyed the whole week they were away. I was able to host a swim and a sleepover, I downloaded a whole bunch of KAT-TUN goodies and I re-discovered my love for Japan, which was good. The only downside was I had trouble sleeping right away because I was afraid I'd find a white-dressed girl with long hair and a deep-rooted grudge when I opened my eyes. Plus, the crickets outside were distracting me a lot. It would have been a good time to listen to good music. Unfortunately, I still haven't received any updates on my broken mp4 from Abenson.

So last night, I slept smiling. I just finished My Boss, My Hero.

It's a very beautiful and funny school drama about a third generation Yakuza heir, Makio Sakiki (Nagase Tomoya, lead singer of TOKIO), 27 years old, Scorpio *lol*. He would have been perfect for boss except that he's VERY stupid. He blew this 27 Million Yen deal because he didn't know what 27+5+5 is. So in order to correct this, his father sends him back to high-school. He opposes this but if he refused, his father would make his younger brother the boss. He didn't want that so he finally agreed.

With the help of his faithful underlings, the most loyal perhaps is Kazu (played by Koki *yay*), he is able to go to St. Agnes (his high-school) without being exposed. There he meets Jun Sakurakoji (Tegoshi Yuya of NEWS), which he calls Sakura-something, and Hikari Umemura, the midget, who would eventually become a lumbrjack and who constantly whack his heart stupid. I find this really funny. A lady-killer 27-year-old Yakuza boss getting all stutter-y and lovey-dovey over a little girl ten years his junior.

I also like Sakura-something. He calls Makio "Makky". Pretty tacky to call a Yakuza boss such a cute name, huh? First, "Makky" is annoyed with Jun but eventually they become very good friends. His homeroom teacher, Masami-sensei (Kashii Yuu) also plays an important role in his life. She gives him a reason to learn and encourages him to go on forward. Makio starts to adjust to his classmates and has fun with them. He even appoints himself the class leader and he I say he did a pretty good job. He brought a class full of indifferent students together and was able to establish a sense of friendship among all of them.

In the end though, their rival gang exposed him and he was expelled, unable to graduate. He got elected boss but he voluntarily gave up the position to his younger brother and went back to high-school in another school.

The drama ended up good and it made me cry a lot. I guess it shows that even for a 27-year-old Yakuza, it's not too late to experience youth, love and friendship. The drama was just about those. And now, I'm suddenly getting nostalgic. I want high-school once more!!!

Sex and Something Random

2008-05-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well today I am waiting for the KAT-TUN Real Face Concert to finish downloading on my torrent. I can hardly wait because it's already 97.9% finished. The problem that I am now facing is the lack of peers and the download speed has been zero since I last checked in. Last night, it was pretty fast, then it stopped. Dammit.

I watched Plum Blossoms last night and Summer Time the other night, just to kill time. They're Korean movies revolving around sex. Well sex. I like the idea of sex. Not that I ever had sex but because I just like it. Honestly, I don't know. But really, everybody likes sex and nobody needs a reason why. So Plum Blossoms, not my kind of movie. Plus, it was Kim Rae Woon who did the lead role and it's kind of weird seeing a guy, who plays the good 'ole boy-next-door in all the dramas I've seen, masturbate and use women for his sexual pleasure. And it was weird because in the movie, the first time he did it was in a beautiful greenhouse. Yeah, plants and all. So yeah I thought it was really strange for people to do that in a greenhouse but I actually got turned on.

So the night before I watched Summer Time. It was more or less the re-make of the Philippine movie Scorpio Nights. The movie had no plot. Just several sex scenes--the same position (dogy-style), the same couple. It was boring and I didn't like it. The story was about this college student who watches his apartment neighbors have sex through the peephole. The wife pretends to be asleep while her husband humps her (pardon the word) so he thought that, "Hmmn, maybe I could steal some good time". And he did, imitating how her husband does it every time. From drinking a glass of water first to touching her ass to the actual sex. And it was pretty stupid because the wife never found out that she was having sex with another guy until they decided to take the missionary position where she could see who she's fucking with. But then she doesn't object and they have sex all the time until they got caught and her husband kills the poor guy.

And the only part where I actually felt sympathy for the girl was when I found out that her husband actually raped her before they got married. And she was a ballet dancer. But then she gave her dream up to tie the knot with an asshole.

So, what do I think about sex? I honestly can't answer that. I think it's bogus and beautiful at the same time. People get horny, that's a fact of life. And having sex is too. But I don't think people need to rush it and I think it wouldn't matter in a relationship if two people love each other. Well, if ever I get myself a boyfriend, I'd make it known that I'll never do him unless he marries me.

Oh dear. I am blabbering again. Oh and I just cleaned the bathroom. Tsk, looks like I'm really bored, huh?

Home Alone

2008-05-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm regretting my decision to stay.

Tuesday night, I was ecstatic to see my sister, my mom and my dad leave. Well, one of the reasons why was because they were (mom and dad) fighting that same night. They're leaving to get my sister enrolled in UP Diliman so they'll have to stay in Manila at least a week because she has this freshman orientation thing on May 5. So that means, I'm all alone for 7-10 days. I rejoice in the fact that no one will get in the way of the things I wanna do like watching porn, staying up late, cooking really disastrous stuff and practicing my pronunciation.

So Wednesday, I thought of having my friends come over but then I figured I'd have to prepare. And since no one's home, the word 'sleepover' popped in. Raymund had just arrived from Manila so I also thought that maybe we could steal a little swim in Humbayon as well. A sleepover and a swim were a lot of things to plan over a day so I decided to go to Ormoc Wednesdayand buy food and have them come over on Thursday instead.

Group messages were sent and word was spread. At two o'clock, I started to sweat and they started to arrive. I asked Kuya Opao to drive us there so there were no transportation problems whatsoever. I wanted to see at least 10 people but there were only 9 of us, which in more ways that one, made me sigh (in relief). It was labor day so there were a number of people at Humbayon too so we waited until several of them left. We had fun swimming and diving (hardly) and teasing each other's ass off, laughing and just being ourselves. It would have been a lot more fun though if there were more of us. But nonetheless, we were happy among our little group. We had to leave at five and when we got home, we faced our "sleepover issue"

See, only three of them actually confirmed that they were sleeping over. Raymund, Ytel and Carl. Problem was, Ytel didn't want to be the only girl sleeping over and if Ytel didn't sleep over, there was no way that Raymund and Carl would. I couldn't do anything so I just got them to at least have dinner with me. After dinner, we went upstairs in pursuit of a good horror movie marathon. I promised them I'd let them leave at nine. Unfortunately, the tv had some brightness problems and we couldn't see the faces properly. Furthermore, the boys were a constant distraction. But we had nothing else better to do so we just tolerated the movie.

Tick tock. Nine o'clock. To my luck, they were getting homier and homier. And if I applied a little more strain, I was sure they'd finally give in and choke a permission out their parents. Gael and Sheila were out of the question. They wouldn't stay no matter what I say. So I concentrated on the hesitant ones like Caren, Ezra, Ytel, Carl and Raymund. Yay me I got them to stay. Chipoy and Antonieto weren't able to come with us during the swim but they caught up with the sleepover.

It was nearly twelve when we decided to watch Van Wilder 2. I got them to sleep in the Master's Bedroom because it had an aircon and we could all fit in there. Carl was the first one to sleep. Then, Chipoy, then Raymund, then Ytel, then me.

Three o'clock am, I was awakened at the voices of Ezra and Antonieto talking. Apparently, they couldn't sleep. I got up and talked to them for a bit, you know, catch up. My eyes got heavy and I got back to sleep.

It was six when I got up. Carl and Chipoy were already up. Seven, we had breakfast. Between that and eight, we talked and watched another horror movie. At nine, they left.

And suddenly, that dreaded word whacked me hard on the head like a volleyball. I was alone again. Today, I just slept through the whole morning and afternoon. My whole body was sore when I got up. Then it rained and I got nostalgic and I cried a little bit and here I am, writing it down.

It's kind of funny when I see the house really empty without my family and friends. When they're here, I'd wish they weren't. And if they weren't, I'd wish they were. Maybe it's normal when you feel lonely. Or when you start to miss people. I've only been alone for a day and I'm already feeling depressed.

Oh well. It just scares me to think that I'll be feeling this way for seven more days. I hope I can cope with my loneliness. I suck at it but I know I'll get by. Eventually :-D

Something from Bohol

2008-04-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so, Bohol. Gah! This post is sooo two weeks late and I'm effing sorry for that. I was just too bummed lazy to upload the pics. The fact that I didn't look good in most of them didn't help either. So what triggered me to still write this is BOREDOM. And because I'm blowing phlegm out of my nose every ten seconds. So I'm posting the pictures and let them speak for themselves. I'm just going to write a itsy-bitsy piece of my mind below them.

This was a very beautiful scene from outside the Bohol Plaza Hotel. It's like built on a mountain or something. It's just breath-taking when you look down and see all these greens before you. Makes you wonder why some people think the Philippines is ugly.

Okay, we (me, my sister and my step-dad) were in Hinagdan Cave here. It was dark so we really couldn't see the drawings. It was creepy-ly beautiful. And there's this cute little spring inside.

So here we are posing for the almost-dead effing camera. Gah, I have red eyes! And a red shirt!

The Loay-Loboc River. Oh, oh! I love it here! For lunch, we went to the RiverCruise restaurant. It's like a floating restaurant or something and it sails around the river. We waited half-an-hour for it to embark. It was so beautiful! I kept going "sugoi" to myself. The water was soo green, I fell in love with it!

The Ga--forgot-the-name-of-the-tribe Tribe. We stopped here for about 15 minutes and hanged-out with a bunch of dancing, modeling and fiery-arrow throwing Ita kids. Ooh, there was one Ita who was soo hot I couldn't stop staring at his abs!

Hehe, couldn't help a vanity shot at the Chocolate Hills.

Eh, how could litle hills like this be so Chocolate-y? They're breath-taking. Once you see those brown little mountains, the 180 energy-knocking steps is all worth it. And of course, worth facing my fear of heights.

This is the Hanging Bridge behind me. And it's not called "hanging" for a reason. I know I look happy but I was really freaked out. I couldn't even take a single step! Hehe..

O yeah, another river. Bohol should be called the City of Green Waters.

Okay, so you don't go to Bohol without seeing this cute little primates (smalles in fact in the world) called Tarsiers. EEEhh they're just soo cute and big-eyed! Oh and they almost look angry when you stare at them for more than five seconds.

Me and the tarsiers. Okay, I was trying not to defy the "Don't Touch" rule..

Heehee, my dad looks soo cute in this.

That's me in he Bohol Plaza pool. They have a great pool, big and shit. The only problem is the effiNG ancient camera. Gah! It's blurred!!! Eff you camera!

After swimming, I got constipated. Bummer, huh?

Last food I ate in Bohol. I ate some really yummy GOTO. :-D :-D

*******that's the last of Bohol************so we go to CEBU*********************

Yeah, my sister got married and it was obvious that she was pregnant. Yay! I'm gonna be an aunt.

**********************end of Cebu**********************************************

seriously, that's all. Well, I hope the pictures painted enough words. :-D

A Bit of Everything

2008-04-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

*sighs*

Well summer is finally here and it's kind of mandatory that I write something in here, even if it's going to be really crappy and stuff. Well here are the highlights of the my life before summer.

1. I lost 15 pounds. How? One decent meal a day. So everyday I'm like: "Wait, I had lunch so I can't have dinner" or "I had breakfast so I can't eat for the rest of the day" Yeah, at first, it was kind of hard. I even bought this "Diet for the Carbohydrates Addict" book which was really stupid because I didn't think that it was meant for those really obese people. So I really had rough time when I started because there was just food everywhere! But then I thought about my dream of becoming a porn star in Japan and how that dream is never going to come true for me if I stay on my 115-pound weight so every time something makes me drool, I just bite my lip and think of the dream fading away. So it worked and I got used to NOT eating. Before I knew it, I was on "starvation period" for five, yes FIVE, months and the weighing scale suddenly read 97 pounds, which is about 45 kilograms.

*But tse...summer always means food so I'm probably going to gain those pounds this month. Actually, I think it's already starting to show. Nooo! And to think I was already looking quite hot in a tankini. *blows nose*

2. I got tipsy, drunk and wasted. Dude, let's face it. I'm in college and being in college entitles anyone, even an introvert such as myself, to indulge into several rounds of drinks. Okay, maybe not few, but whatever. So the first time I got drunk was February 2, 2008. I was with Danielle and we were just finished watching Tuesdays with Morrie. It was a lovely Saturday night and we thought "Hey, let's not waste it on winks" So we went to Fiesta's Crib and ordered two, yes just TWO bottles of Redhorse. The funny thing was that all those people kept staring at me like they were asking themselves "what is a 12-year old doing in a bar with 2 bottles of strong beer?" Well, then I say, "12 year old my ass!" But of course I didn't say that out loud.

Okay, so that was when I found out that I was a HORRIBLY cheap drunk. Just half a bottle and you're already obligated to assist me when I walk.

The second time I got drunk, well not just drunk but TERRIBLY WASTED, was when I got a very questionable, but we didn't question it somehow, 3.0 in Literature. I mean, c'mmon, I'm fucking good at Literature. I even (almost by a point) perfected those stupid midterm exams. So how, you ask, did I get this questionable 3.0? Two missed quizes. One was 50 items and the other 20. So I missed 70 points all in all. Haha. Well, anyway, so I'm not really okay with 3.0 because Literature IS one of my major subjects and no matter how I try to console myself by repeatedly repeating "I'll make it up in the Finals", I'm just fucking depressed. Good thing though, there were several of us who got the same grade and felt the same way so Kuya Rex (an even more genius at literature than i am) suggested a couple of drinks, I was in NO position to DECLINE or DISAGREE! Fuck dude! I got a fucking 3! I didn't even get anything below 2 in math! Fuck!

So we went to this karaoke bar near the Main Campus and ordered one case of strong beer. SO I drained three bottles and a half (keep in mind that one bottle alone can get me really drunk) and before I knew it I was throwing up all over the place. ood thing Danielle was there and she was kind enough to accompany a very wasted ME home. But eugh! I can still remember that sick feeling welling up in the depths of my stomach, forcing its way out my mouth. Gah! Whenever I see beer, I just feel sick. So the next day,I got a terrible hangover and promised myself I would never drink again (Fuck me)

Third time I got drunk was during a random Saturday night when I got this "Damn, I want a beer" urge so I immediately sent a group invitation to my frieds. Unfortunately, only Mark Edson heeded the message (because he just broke up with his girl friend) and went immediately to Harrison's Park. There was a band and the music was ecstatic. Nothing happened though. Not anything fishy, I mean, not in a million years.

Fourth time was when Danielle invited (no actually forced) me to come with her and her councilors (because she's like the SK chairman in Pooc, Talisay) in a swimming spree (god, is that a word) in Villa Teresita. I really didn't want to go because I'm not good in dealing with strangers and I hate it when the word "awkward" pops in, in the middle of a conversation. But alas, Danielle was just too persuasive for me so I gave her a VERY VERY reluctant yes. Surprisingly though, I quite enjoyed myself. Her councilors were fun and friendly and accommodating and I kind of stole several occasions to flirt *laughs* So my new friends offered me beer which I of course indulged because I was in no position to decline (okay, that was an excuse) and got drunk again. And there was a dancefloor and music. So dancefloor+music+beer+great new friends= one wild disco night! Hehe, there were crazy people who make dancing look like sex. But gah, I didn't mind. I was just stoned.

Okay, so those were the times where I enjoyed myself with my newly found friend, Alcohol.

3. I am still confused. Okay so there are times when I just look at a girl, just appraise her and stuff, then I go, "Fuck man, I'm fucking bisexual". *sighs* So all this time I thought I was perfectly straight and I have to go to college and realize that I don't know if I'm really straight or not. Well, one thing is for sure: I am physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to one girl (strictly speaking, she's the same as me: you guys do the math). So we kissed ( a lot of times ). Hold up, there were no tongues involved. And since that, I've been having weird dreams and daydreams about us not just kissing. (Yeah, what you're thinking is right). *sighs* So I guess that alone officially makes me gay, huh? But I'm not completely gay so BISEXUAL is a more appropriate word. Because I still drool over guys and I still want to have hot steamy wild sex with Ueda Tatsuya and give those Japanese porn stars a run for their money.

And I still dress up like a girl. So I'm not gay. But I don't like to be called bisexual either. So what do I call myself? Confused. That's what.

4. I am officially addicted to DVDs. Well, nothing to elaborate here. Almost all of those who know me know I'm a movie sucker.

5. When you rest you rust. SO rust is enveloping my writing career.

^^^ so far, those are the times that have made me a lasting impression. It's quite a long post but haha, that's a compensation for the months when I haven't posted anything. So I'll post something about Bohol.See ya. :-D

Valentines

2008-02-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

okay, so here's what happened to me on Valentines. But first, u guys have to know that I don't usually think that day is so important but since everybody else does, well, what the heck, i just had to go with the flow. truth to be told, i actually woke up nice. i should have expected that the narrow street corner in STo. Rosario would be crowded with flower vendors selling overpriced roses. i wanted to get one for myself but i was just soo broke i couldn't even buy myself water.

i got to school and cwts class was quite the drama. sir khleint was acting strange, saying that would probably be the last meeting he'd have with us. he wouldn't tell us why though. so anyway, we ended up having all those who had nice singing voices in class sing for him. danielle even cried. gah, i almost did.

the day before that, our English 2 teacher gave us an assignment: list 14 ways how to make your Valentines memorable. Lolz. Here's mine.

1. kiss all my friends. (which i did)

2. greet all the people i meet (i also did)

3. participate well in class (which i tried but let the teachers be the judge)

4. wear a smile all day (i had a hard time with this one since there were some little events which triggered a curse or too...like for example: the effing traffic)

5. FLIRT WITH A STRANGER (i failed to do 'cause I only get the guts to flirt from 1-2 bottles of beer and I didn't drink.

6. listen to MASS. (i wanted to but i didn't catch the last one)

7. watch a tear-jerker romance (what the eff, i watched porn instead haha)

8. buy myself a rose (i WANTED TO but i was really broke. danielle's tall new friend, Randy, gave me one though, he was soo sweet ps: tall guys are not my type)

9. PIG OUT!!! (didn't actually happen, since you can't call a cup of rice, an egg and some corn beef pigging out)

10. greet my mom, my sister and my family. (which i did. yay)

11. text all my friends ( i did but only few of 'em replied. tse)

12. write a good blog entry (dude, i didn't have the time. that's why im writing this now)

13. do a good deed (well, i am letting danielle stay with me.)

14. BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF (and i was)

hnmn, this was the first time i ever celebrated Valentines. but what was sad about it was when you see all these couples hugging, kissing, being really close, you realize that you don't have anyone to do all those sweet things to. you don't have anyone to hold an umbrella for you when it rains, to give you a rose, or kiss you goodnight. it sounds all so random but when you see how they look at each other, it makes you wanna melt, it makes you aware that you don't have any of that. and that makes me really jealous. well, at least i got two flowers. one from meg, and the other from Randy. [sighs] well, that was valentines for me. Hopefully, next year's won't be as lonely. [lol]