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http://meindarksolitude.blogspot.com

My name's kyra. Nobody reads this because I don't advertise. It's like my diary, private thoughts. Haha and I'm too butt lazy to actually write on paper. :-D




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Thursday, November 16, 2006
the truth about physics
im in the computer room right now because mr. quimilat asked us to do something well, particularly a research about monetary and fiscal policy but i've long finished so now i wanna write something about hmm...the biggest misconception in my life: PHYSICS.

if michelle had not commented on the post i wrote about her move in and there was something about physics there...i wouldn't have had the idea of writing about it. first of course when i still hadn't touched physics, i thought it was one boring subject, that it would constitute this very boring senior year. well, i had my own reasons of getting scared and those are because i've heard and witnessed the seniors before us get shouted at and reproached frequently by mr. q. and i didn't like the way the feeling it gave and led me to conclude that maybe physics is a scary subject and would probably prompt a lot of shouting fits. fits i do not and i hope will never substantiate themselves ever again. so during first day...i had no book but i did catch this glimpse on the others'. and believe me i didn't like what i read. with all those forces and motion and stuff..they all seemed pointless...and i didn't see any significance of learning them..

well that was before i met the real physics personally. i dunno but it just took me a couple of days to get hooked up. when i first read (in advance) about free fall and acceleration...just can't stop myself. it was all surreal but then i got to touch it and found it really addictive. so then on i started reading about force and friction and i borrowed physics books from the library. i enjoy the tests we had which i normally don't and i just enjoy the feeling of knowing that i understand what mr q is talking about. i loved the laws well especially the law of universal gravitation. i sort of developed a special fondness for it.

"Every object attracts another object with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them"

well anyway, im striving hard to get high grades in physics. im not that good but at least i know within me that i love what i learn and im not after those certificates anyway. i don't think those pieces of paper really matter..
Well last night, I submitted myself to another reverie and the fact that I will never have anyone who will treat me special in High-school. It didn’t work well with Ezra because I know if he did feel something special towards me, it was no more and no less than friendship. Truth to be told, I got tired of clinging on to the hope that he might see me as something more than a friend and fortunately, I got over him in no less than three months. I realized this during Intramurals when he was playing soccer like he always does. Usually, during the times when I still had “feelings” for him, I would feel prickly all over whenever I see him run. But when I watched him that day, there was nothing. No pricks, no tingles, not even a rush of blood. And I felt myself smile because I’ve been hurting for two years already and it felt awfully good to break free from that pain.

The reason why I got over him all of a sudden is still something I’m trying to figure out myself. I don’t think it was our distance or the fact that we currently belong to different classrooms. Nor am I thinking that it was because I realized, which in fact I had, that he was better off with someone else like Frances who obviously has everyone nodding. In terms of beauty, I admit I stand no chance because she’s really beautiful. But when you speak about talent, I think we stand on the same grounds. So if it wasn’t those, what did make me forget him? Or who?

The only person I could look up to see whenever I ask that question to myself is the same person who I promised never to get attracted to. I don’t want to write down his name because I don’t like how I feel about him. For my part, I think it’s unfair that I fell for someone who will probably hurt me as much as the previous person did. Well, not really personally because I don’t think the guy’s capable of doing any harm to any girl. Or at least, that’s what I think of him.

Hmm...and here’s one shocker. Marie and Philippe broke up. Worse is they decided to split on the day of their monthsary. Well, personally I respect their move because it’s hard to keep track of each other’s feelings when you’re a thousand miles apart. But, I also think it was kind of rash. I know I do not have any right to say anything about their relationship because I’m just a mere witness. But as a close friend of them both, I think they shouldn’t end up like this. For Marie’s part, I know how she feels because I’ve also been through the whole waiting part. And I understand why she would set herself free. the rest is not my business so im not talkin about it...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
a heartbreaking day
when i came home, i thought i would be able to write something about what i thought was needed to be written. but the moment my ass touched the swivel chair, the need suddenly vanished and i found myself at a loss for words, which i only do when my inspiration drains. and i guess now it's gone again. and to think i spent almost three months of regaining it only to loose in one frickin day. one thing i hate about other people is they make fun out of other people's feelings. they think it's funny but they don't know how much it hurts.

first, i am not a last-resort crush. it's like when all else fails, they turn to me. second, can nobody like me, like me just the way i am? do i have to get myself anorexia just to have someone like me? for me, i don't think it's fair. Third, I am not a FLIRT. i don't flirt and i don't like people flirting around other people. it's gross and disgusting. 4th, i know im a maniac but im not a pervert and never in my life have i ever considered having sex anywhere with anyone. and i don't think i'll do that untill i find someone i think who deserves to see the real me and until i reach the right age to do that. i admit ive seen a couple of hentai movies but i don't engage in any of the activities i saw them doing. and i don't do Ms...okay? i just watch to learn so that when i go to college, those city freaks won't have any reason to mess with me.

4th...i wanna die. im loosing my purpose to live and it's not becuase i know that if i wait for love, it would be in vain, it's because that my life is turning to be the one thing i hate the most: routinary and stereotype. for once i wanna wake up one morning to a whole new door of possibilities. for once, i wanna wake up not knowing what will happen next. i want spontaneity but all i get is structure. my life's all fucked up. it's so random. well, so am i...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
the flying kiss
we had our computer fixed today and im just so glad to have it back. truth to be told, im not really that psyched because im getting used with the laptop and i think it was more advantageous that the big one. nevertheless, im glad it got fixed already. problem is all my files got erased including everything i wrote. but it's okay...they're all saved in my head anyway.

today passed like any other. well, something special did happen. it was when mr. q blew me a very cute flying kiss. i just wanna jump outta happiness. first, i didn't think he was in a good mood that afternoon. second, he doesn't look approachable and third, i get really weak when im around him. surprisingly, i got in there, handed him the shirt and blurted, "sir, it's for you". my face was in heat, that i am sure of. but then he looked at me, gave this very invigorating smile and thanked me along with the cute flying kiss. *sighs* mr. q really is my favorite teacher. hmm...'till here...im not really in the writing mood right now but whatever. n_~
Sunday, November 05, 2006
so many things, so little time
today, i had a lot of things to accomplish. Surprisingly, I had not done a single thing. The reasons may not be precise because if anything, it wouldn't be lack of inspiration because you can bet to the rocks that I am, if not flushed, overly-inspired.

the reason is that maybe i wanted to rest and not think of anything related to school, let alone actually do it. the idea of monday haunts me but at the same time thrills me. I miss my classmates, I miss being bored, I miss having the chills before Physics class. I miss school and yet I resent the idea of it. I know I sound crazy right now but it's the way I feel. Plus, I'm getting the hang of watching movies all day long. I watched three movies today. One aquamarine...well, I re-watched it because I think Jake McDorman is THE hottest lifeguard there. Two, my wife is a gangster. I didn't really want to watch it but Earl told me one time when we were eating in the mess hall that it was really good. Of course, I trust his judgement because we sort of have this same taste in movies...*winks* *winks* (hope u get the winking part...oh and the third one, Butterfly effect 2. the cover said it had bruce willis in it but i doubt it. i hadn't seen its prequel where it starred ashton kutcher. im not really fond of suspense films but ate len2 told me it was good so im giving it a try...

And oh it rained hard tonight. ah, how the rain smells good. it's actually a two-way ticket to a very good reverie and right now, I'm lost in my own thoughts again. I want to write when it rains because I feel like a true writer. I don't know why but the rain has this magic over me. It just gets me to my butt. I smile everytime the skies get dark. I know it's really weird of me since most people get annoyed if they don't see the sun. well, enough about the rain blabber. I must have wrote three entries about rain already. hehe..and still counting. well actually, if there is one thing that could inspire me the most, it would be the rain. never had i written anything fictional without the word "rain" in it. well, i gotta get to work..have to finish writing this stupid home reading report. if it wasn't for the crappy format, I would have been happy to write it anytime. since the format sucks, i am surprisingly suffering from the I-can't-write-a-single-letter syndrome. but i know myself. once i get to read sparknotes, the words will just come flowing down, like it always do. hmm...so till next time.

P.S. I saw Strike (my ex-crush) in mass today...he grew fatter but was still breathtakingly handsome. n_~
Friday, November 03, 2006
in love and in pain
im in love again. that much is sure. but there are a lot of things, unheard of, that I'm not sure with. the first question that im boggled with is WHY. of course it's never a wonder because it's always the first w-question asked in every situation...but this time, my kind of why is different. it's not a question of why im in love, why now or why him but rather a question of why all of a sudden. maybe because i brought it upon myself because I want to be around him as much as possible. i wanna hear him laugh, feel his hand on my shoulder and see him everywhere i look. it's ridiculous because never in a million years would i imagine myself slowly falling for someone like him. And I wanna call him "Sun" because he lights up everything he touches. but all of a sudden, in a range of just days, boom! i keep thinking about him, i wanna see him, hug him, strangle him...everything. and what's more abusrd is that I fell for someone who I know in a thousand millenia would never ever see me as someone more than a friend. And so did I. In the first place, he was just like a big brother to me and I love being around him because he makes me laugh and I get the chance to make others laugh too. What i didn't realize is that with every moment that we share something embarrassing, something dirty like we always do, those friendly feelings are slowly developing into something more intimate, something that I think is sandwiched between platonic and romantic love. Well, as a friend, I've always loved him like I loved my other friends and I get weirdly jealous if i see these girls flirting with him. but i ignored it because i also get jealous if i see my girl friends, especially the friendly ones like Panyang, talk as if sharing a secret to someone else. but now that jealousy i feel when i see him around other ladies is more painful and more painful because he's like this magnet who pulls every girl towards him. hmmn...well...not only is he a gentleman, he has one of the biggest hearts ever...(i can't believe im writing this)

another big problem is that one of my closest friends share the same feeling for him. and the jist? instead of getting in the way, i actually acted like this stupid bridge bringing them both together and at the same time getting closer to both of them. well, how will i explain this shithole im in? problem is i love them both, i love the girl and the guy and the girl deserves a move-on so im sort of setting them free. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. maybe because i like seeing my friends happy more than i like seeing myself happy. im not practicing martyrdom or anything but it's just a natural thing for me to hurt myself for the sake of the people i care for. and all i could do is write my pain because i couldn't show it to anyone. *sighs* but the big question there is, if i continue doing that, when will I be happy? i think i would be able to figure that out soon. and besides, i don't think "Sun" will light on my heart forever because i really don't think we have what it takes to be a couple. and even if we did, the odds will be huge and i believe we don't have the capacity to go against them. so as i write this entry, im breaking free from any romantic feelings that I have for him and i say "I love you goodbye"
it all started one early morning in the grounds of LLCI where everyone was asked to assemble. It was a dreary circumstance because I know that everybody crammed the night before. I was happy, feeling actually light, excited to be traveling again to Baguio, this time as a more matured student. Furthermore, I came with a really distinct casual fashion statement. I remembered the first time we went to manila and I wore this terrible lavender shirt, this HORRIBLE capri, a very HIDEOUS over-sized denim jacket and this murky-colored shoes which spelled "FASHION DISASTER" in total. But I won't let that happen again. Everybody came and we started our 3-hour trip to Tacloban. We started it with a rosary and ended it with loud snores and lively laughter.

The airport was the same as it had been when I first came there. Hordes of people (koreans especially) gathered round the counters, confirming their flights. And we also saw Jiggy Manicad there, one of the hosts of the GMA docu: The Reporter's Notebook. We wanted to take our pictures with him but we didn't want the rest of the people thinking we were paparazzi. So we sat down and waited for the flight. 6:50 came and we were flying to Manila. NAIA was a complete bleak, too many people for any elbow room. Ms. Sunit and Mrs. Colon were nagging at us to be hurry, not knowing it was already the fastest we could go given the demographic situation of the airport. Then we met with this woman and her daughter, which seemed to be friends with Mrs. Colon and Ms. Sunit. They were to take us to the bus port of Victory Liner. The girl, her name was Alyona (not sure) was Samatha's, Torn's, Cindy's ex-classmate but she didn't recognize them. Also, I think that girl was blushing around Earl. Haha, talk about magnetism...

So we went there around 9:45 and ate late breakfast. since that gano cereal effected on me a LOT, i didn't order anything and enjoyed myself talking and watching the rest of them eat. So we left at 10:30 and prepared ourselves for a five-hour trip to Baguio. But I was in a different situation: I was seated beside Mrs. Colon when I was supposed to be seated beside Earl. Not that I dreamed about it or anything, I mean, he IS my body after all. Yes, my BODY. SHIT. and I ended up having these little awkward moments with my Algebra teacher. But u know what, it wasn't so bad because I enjoyed talking with her. Her life when she was my age was beautiful and complicated. She shared to me her experience with her 13-year old (yes THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD) boy friend which was really cute because their families were bestfriends close. Too bad that guy had himself conned and they were driven apart by a series of really complex circumstances. And now, they haven't seen each other for 22 years. I asked Ms. Suki if she wanted to see him after all these years and she hesitated then smiled. "I would like to see him and how his life had become" she said, as if she was talking to someone else. But even that, despite that story, I could see that she loved her husband very much considering the way she laughed and the way her face glowed when she told me how TitoRey would joke about the love life of their two sons. It actually inspired me a lot...hnmnn...

When we were done talking for like an hour, I hurried away and fell asleep becuase I didn't want the situation to get more awkward that it already was. Then, I woke up in a different temperature. My hands were freezing (I need someone else's hand) and my teeth were shaking. It was really cold. It was night and we arrived at Teacher's camp and had dinner in Jollibee. I didn't like it because the sight and the smell of the usualness of Jolibee made me kind of sick. We went for the grocery after that and went to sleep right after.

DAY 1: We spent the whole morning squiring Baguio. Enough said. In the afternoon, we had eliminations for the CFEs. I was really tired because right after I went for the Impromptu speaking contest which was improptu because we didn't know that such a contest would exist, I immediately headed for Radio Drama. It was actually embarrassing but I don't want to write about it. (ask me personally if u know me)

Day2: GOD! CDS! FRIENDS! SALVA! I love that gay! He's so gay! hahaha!

Day 3: I wonder why I don't want to talk about it. Well, I do wanna write about the wrestling I had with Earl and Shiela. Haha...it was COOL! I totally nailed that guy to his butt! Oh and a piece of secret: it was the first time I actually blushed around Earl. Hmmn...nothing suspicious though...I still think he and I do not have what it takes to be something as close to a couple. But I don't know...I kind of have these weird feelings when I get near him...like I get electrocuted or something. It's not how I feel when I'm around Ezra..not exactly...*sighs* but nah uh...I can't be attracted to earl..I mean he is EARL...hello EARL!!! he's like a big brother...*whacks head* I'm so STUPID.

Day 4: More tremors! God help me! And a twist: Shiela totally told me she also shares the same feelings for earl!!! Ha! I still blush when i think about it! Can't believe I'm in this insane circle of i don't know..puppylove. And with EARL at the center! I mean, hello,KYRA! are you okay? it's him...who knows every dirty secret you have...the first guy who you allowed to read your dirty fics! shit! this cannot be! No! But I have to let itgo....not gonna happen...it's too farfetch.

Day 5: Yay! We are leaving! And there was this storm! ha! so glad we got to escape from baguio before the signal went to three! And we got home safe. Thank you LORD! You totally rock! And oh and we formed this little JC-LEB. ahah...not going to elaborate..not official yet...but if there was anything fun about CMLI..it was the series of wrestles I had with earl and shiela, the funny and embarrassing talks in the mess hall with still earl and shiela and sneh and torn. and i think im beginning to fall in love with them both. WELL, I love Earl and Shiela. They're like my new best friends. And I also developed this bond with SNEH...haha I totally love that girl...she's so frank! Love her! and I think I am now more confident and ready to take on any challenge!

well, I guess CMLI does indeed change you one way or another. it has made me realized feelings I was afraid to acknowledge. it gave me the chance to get reconnected to the people I didn't knowi cared for deeply. and right now, can't wait for the echo conference!